Hello

[Jennblank7734]

I'm not really sure what to post. I was doing better at interacting with people. I quit talking to anyone. It's not good feeling. I feel lonely and isolated.I'm worried about going too far and ending up with an addiction. It helps me feel better. My new psych appointment is in February. It's at the same office that my previous psych is at and I really wanted to start there. This is even with telling her it's an emergency. I cut the appointment off and told him he wasn't going to be my dr anyone before we got to the refill part. I asked last week if he will refill them.

I was on a site reading random posts. One of the groups I keep seeing is about people who have been clean, how long and some post before and after pics. I don't want to look like that. I don't want to get to that point. It's not now, its just between I hurt so badly and I don't really care anymore.

So I thought I'd come post and say hello.

I tried to not be specific about anything. I don't want my account banned please. I'm really struggling. Thank you.

[CLB1125]

hi, you can talk about most anything think. I hear people talk about triggers. They will post a warning so if what you talking about is a trigger for someone they don't read it. other than that I think most anything is ok. I haven't been here long so maybe someone else can jump in.

[Jennblank7734 in reply to CLB1125]

Awesome. Thank you. I'll remember to add possible triggers.

[Thankfulforhelp22]

Welcome. Just say what you feel, it’s really ok. There are many times I post things that are just on my mind or bothering me or even when I just need a kind word or insight.

Stay strong.

[Ellamaye]

Your very honest . Noted and respected

[Jennblank7734 in reply to Ellamaye]

Thank you! I love being open and honest. Might as well. It sucks to look like an ass when you get caught lying.

[Ellamaye in reply to Jennblank7734]

It feels kind of free to tell it all to strangers tbh , there's no consequences like there is when you talk to friends and family . Hope you don't mind I read some of your other posts.. sounds like you've had a bit of a journey

[Jennblank7734 in reply to Ellamaye]

Yeah. It's been a process haha. I just gotta get past this anxiety and move. I hope this new doctor can help. Thank you for appreciating honesty. Not enough people do.

[Ellamaye in reply to Jennblank7734]

Be honest with your new doctor and I'm sure you'll move past your Anxiety.

[Jennblank7734 in reply to Ellamaye]

I have such anxiety about seeing doctors. It's going to suck but I gotta get on top of what's been going on between physically, mentally, and probably the urge for drugs. I don't want to keep medicating on my own. I'd probably be better off not saying anything. I don't know.

[Ellamaye in reply to Jennblank7734]

If you tell your doctor your medicating on your own then you definitely won't get prescribed anything for obvious reasons.

[Jennblank7734 in reply to Ellamaye]

Yeah for sure hehe. My system will be clean soon. It's hard. I'm on disability. I have a lot of pain from various problems. I can't just have nothing. I can't handle it. Life's not worth living that way. Last year the pain doctor told me she's not gonna throw pain meds at me. This is the same time she's telling me my back hurts from degenerative disk disease. What a bitch. I can't handle doctors. I seem to run into the ones that don't care. My dr in Carolina made a comment of how awful it would be to be a pain Dr and listen to people complain all day. He made me feel like shit.

[Ellamaye in reply to Jennblank7734]

Sounds like you need to record future appointments. Doctors have a tendancy to forget the salary and remember the job they should be doing. I'm new to all this hospital appointment stuff but have quickly realised I have to stand my ground. It's my body and noone poking and prodding me without my say so. Noone can tell me take all these pills without explaining what they for and the side effects. And if you've been on pain meds then a doctor has to take that into consideration. They knew the addiction effects when they put you on them.

[Jennblank7734 in reply to Ellamaye]

It's ridiculous now with the difficulty to get help for pain. I have 4 different diagnoses that all cause pain. Why stick around if life is bring in bed suffering. No thank you.

[Jennblank7734 in reply to Jennblank7734]

That's just to be honest. I turned to taking dangerous drugs coming in from Mexico. I'd much rather be treated and achieve some sort of normal life

[Ellamaye in reply to Jennblank7734]

And painkillers don't help?

[Ellamaye]

Sewing? You mean seeing doctors? Right well just remember your the patient you have all the rights. No anxiety needed on your side you head in there and tell them what you need!!

[Jennblank7734 in reply to Ellamaye]

I dont see the typo but I'm sure.

[Jennblank7734 in reply to Jennblank7734]

Fixed it haha

[Ellamaye in reply to Jennblank7734]

😅

[Ellamaye in reply to Jennblank7734]

If only it was that easy to fix me haha . Thanks for taking my mind off it all though. For a short minute lol

[Jennblank7734 in reply to Ellamaye]

I remember typos from 20 years ago. It's super agitating and annoying

[Ellamaye in reply to Jennblank7734]

I am amazing at spelling. It's the auto txt that messes me up 😫

[Jennblank7734 in reply to Ellamaye]

I try. This guy I was with was a grammar wiz. He was so clever and his vocabulary was impressive. I loved that about him. He killed himself in May 22. I miss him terribly

[Ellamaye in reply to Jennblank7734]

I did say before but I read back in your other posts. Sorry if that's nosey or intrusive.Is it OK to ask about him?

[Jennblank7734 in reply to Ellamaye]

Oh absolutely. I didn't do anything wrong and I'm open about what he did to me and put me through. It's not right to miss him but I do.

[Ellamaye in reply to Jennblank7734]

I didn't read that much i just read that you lost him.Hope you don't think I was judging honestly wasn't.

Having the right to miss someone? Is that even a thing? If you miss someone you miss them. Everyone comes into our lives for a reason right?

[Jennblank7734 in reply to Ellamaye]

He did about any bad thing you can think of. Physical, verbal, mental, emotional, sexual, financial abuse. Probably more but I'm sure you understand. I thought I could help him. I had never been with an addict before. He loved me so much and always showed it. He also would steal my meds leaving us both suffering for weeks. It was miserable.

[Ellamaye in reply to Jennblank7734]

I never understand why others treat us/me other humans badly . I've spent years wondering if stuff was my fault but you know what it's not and you know what else? We can only be accountable for our own behaviour. So yes you got through that and yes you can still miss the person who you knew deep down

[Jennblank7734 in reply to Ellamaye]

I thought me leaving would motivate him to get serious about help. He had also just broken his femur bone. It split from the knee up. They screwed it together. He was unable to get help for the pain. There was text after text of him saying he'd rather just die. How it would be me leaving that caused it. He begged for help from his family. They just didn't really care.

[Ellamaye in reply to Jennblank7734]

That's so unfair on you though? What could you have done to stop his pain anyway? I mean physically? Nothing. If the doctors couldn't prescribe then the alternative would of been worse.

[Ellamaye in reply to Jennblank7734]

In fact all you went through would mean nothing if you were left with bitterness or hate. The fact you miss him shows you your a good person even if he wasn't

[Jennblank7734 in reply to Ellamaye]

Thank you. That's a great way to look at it.

[Ellamaye in reply to Jennblank7734]

You have to move on with your own life though. Grieve of course but then it's forward and no looking back x

[Jennblank7734 in reply to Ellamaye]

That's why I'm really thinking of going to Portland. Somewhere fresh and new. Get myself together.

[Ellamaye in reply to Jennblank7734]

And you have a future plan .which is great x Let us know how you get on please.

[Jennblank7734 in reply to Ellamaye]

Thank you so much for the chat and encouragement =)

[Ellamaye in reply to Jennblank7734]

And thankyou for the diversion from my own problems , Check in again when your ready