Maybe staying home while mom and sis are at job and school while I'm having one month of classes, would stir up some pressure. Thinking about going home to think after my course this weekend. I think I can't make a decision while paniced and having two days. Thought about misssing one rent by leaving but it's not a good idea to leave until i have a new place or have decided to go back. Desisions make ne go insane. I fear studying home would be much cheaper for dad but mom and sis would be annoyed and expensive for them. I'm scared if he makes me go back. I don't know if i could make it through the winter with mom and sis when i couldn't make it the summer when sis didn't have school and was chill and going out and i was going on long walks to have my panic attacks and wait for mom to fall asleep. I need to think
Edit. Idk if mom wants me back after i finish. They don't understand and they love me but I'm scared i won't be able to go home after graduation. But maybe i would want to stay here. Or maybe i would get a job in my homecity, where my agoraphobia is calmer, and mom would probably be happy to live together and work a little less because I help her. Or i can rent my place there. But no friends. My brain is spinning. There's one year till then. I guess in my homecity the salaries are higher and housing cheaper, maybe i can find a place where I can feel comfortable. Scared if i can work. Maybe i can stay here and study for phd and then teach at the university but phd is expensive and having graduated probably won't be funded. Idk there's one year. Rn i think it's best to not go to agencies, just call and ask if they have what i need. And go for some days home till i start university or till sis starts school/ mom pisses me and i need to apply for master's. Probably just come for two days, apply, go to my course and go back. But i can miss and apply later and stay the month home to think. I'm too anxious to think. I litterary vomit from Anxiety. Can't think straight especially for so long ahead of time. Scared what i will do when i graduate. Somehow my instinct is telling me to go home, calm and come back for class because i will be distracted and seeing friends
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My goodness girl, it’s no wonder you’re stressed out! You have so much you’re trying to think about all at once! Take a piece of paper and write down all the things you need to figure out. Then make a list of what’s the most important thing that has to be decided first, then after that decision what will be next depending on the first decision. Understand what I mean? The first decision will determine what is next to think about. Take one thing at a time and try to just get that thing figured out and not think about everything all at once. You are making yourself sick. And maybe the best thing to do about living with your mother is ask her straight out if she wants you there? If she wants you to be out on your own then that answered some of your questions and helps you to know what your options are.
Still wondering how you are doing. I don't want to add any pressure or stress to your life, so I'll try not to send another message until you choose to write, but I do want you to know I haven't forgotten about you.
I haven't been on this line for a while but, since the last time I read your post and replied, you have done so much, and made so much progress fitting all the pieces together. I can tell it isn't easy from all the people and details you mention that you have to think about. It sounds like hard work, but you are moving forward regardless of the complications, being careful and very brave at the same time. I hope I am doing as well as you are. I have a lot of the same confusions and responsibilities in my life right now and sometimes things are up, and sometimes down, but I am ultimately the responsible one for maintaining independent living. Thanks for your share.
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I don't know what to do 
I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to do
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