My PTSD symptoms include an overwhelming shame. It can be overwhelming at times. Part of it is shame for the things that happened to me, and part of it is shame for the things that I truly did.
I know we "sufferers" can manifest things differently, and for me my shame is overwhelming at times.
How you you deal with shame? Is there ever a way to "fix" it? If it is something that we have actually done?
Dear SurvivingEveryday,
I'm sorry your experiencing shame, it is a very negative emotion. I believe shame is meant to keep our moral compass pointed in the right direction, but people have used shame for as long as we have written materials to achieve goals and outcomes.
The cure to shame, in my layman's opinion, is acceptance.
For shame for things that you have done, there are many approaches. The most common one, and also deployed in 12 steps programs, is to make amends. Genuinely take account of what we have done, who that may have hurt and then offer a true apology. They may not forgive you, that's not the goal. The goal is to hold ourselves accountable and do the only thing left to do...offer a true apology.
1.Own Your Mistake
2.Express Your Regret
3.Don’t Make Excuses
4. Don’t Go Overboard
5.Listen without responding or judging
6. Be prepared to not be forgiven (this apology is for them)
Apologies are free...you don't lose anything...it's a win-win.
When things happen to us, and we feel shame, it is slightly trickier (for me at least)
It comes down to accepting that despite the circumstances, we didn't do this to ourselves. While we may place ourselves in undesireable situations, it is still not our fault if something bad happens to us that the offender could have avoided by choice.
In here, acceptance looks like processing and separating what was in our control and what was not.
And the last step is to be kind and FORGIVE OURSELVES.
Hope this little write up helps...therapy did wonders for me. I hope you find solace.
Many hugs
Thank you SO much for writing this. I am actually copying/pasting this onto a Google Doc to meditate on. I love that you said shame can be our moral compass pointing in the correct direction. This is so true, and for me.... I have had a couple family members say awful things about me... it makes me feel like I do have good morals. Thank you!
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