I'd written out a longer post about speaking my shame out loud, but that seemed a little too intense and risky, so I paired it down just to this for now. Due to various failures--real or perceived--these are the things I feel and say to myself a lot.
"I feel so ashamed. I feel and think I don’t deserve to exist. I am defective. I am unworthy of being known or loved. I’m a mistake. I deserve to be abandoned. I should not be."
I have in the past, and hopefully will again in the future, address this directly in a safe therapeutic setting. But this is the best forum I have for now.
I am sure others have plenty of similar thoughts and feelings.
I'm just going to leave this hear for now.
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Gandolfication
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I'm so glad you posted this, maybe it's your one good deed for the day The struggles that we go thru at our age (I'm 54) are different than when we were 'young' and we have more years of decisions to go back and self-criticize.
I'm struggling right there with you and this week it's been more difficult than usual to find something (anything) that will slow everything down so I can just exist. My therapist is on vacation so I went searching and found this site.
Please take comfort in knowing you're not struggling alone. I've survived worse as I'm sure you have also, even tho it may not have seemed like it at the time (or right now). We will get thru this one moment at a time and no matter how bad it seems we can and will not only survive but thrive. I know that seems easier to say than do, but it's a start and sometimes if that's all we can do then we have to consider that a small victory.
Thank you for helping me calm down a notch while I was typing this reply. I hope it's a small help for you too.
I wanted to see end my life most of this week and most of today, and was often trying to harness the wherewithal (except I don't have it) to complete a very few steps of a very simple plan to do so.
Along with these negatives though, and in conversation with a good friend going through similar things, I did and do at least realize that I am able to just. Be. This moment. And as much as I often commiserate otherwise, being alive beats not being alive in really big ways.
Hey Gandolfication, I am sorry that you are still suffering. As others have said, you are not alone.
Rest assured, all of those thoughts are LIES! BIG, FAT LIES! I went back and listened to a couple of David Burns Feeling Good podcasts about perfectionism and or acceptance. He talks about enlightenment and stuff which gets a little abstract maybe, but I think it goes along with our worth and stuff. He talks about the death of the self or ego which is enlightenment and realizing that our worth as a person is inherent and immutable. Then you don't care what you think about yourself because there is no self. You are just existing... I don't really know how to describe it. I know that I like to try to post stuff that has worked for me but I still struggle a lot. I can for sure relate with being in the pit of despair. I hope you can see that these thoughts/feelings are coming from some thinking errors somewhere. I often can see worth in myself but can in others, so then I try to look at myself from outside myself. Loving myself and having compassion for myself gets easier. It gets especially poignant if I think about my 5-year-old self. I am going to go look for that podcast.
Thank you. A lot of good stuff there. I read his book Feeling Good a couple times. The death of ego, although somewhat esoteric, makes some sense to me partly I'm re: my religious days/experience (dying to self) and certain psychedelic experiences. Maybe it just means the psychological flexibility of being present.and choosing what to pay attention to, neither gripping nor resisting much. I try not to over-intellectualize.
So often have I read / heard / been told to try to think of and treat myself like I would a good friend or a child. It makes perfect sense. I do not know why it proves so elusive and difficult. I'll keep trying, as I've found no other better thing to do.
Beyond all that, when I read these words from you, something about it transcends the words and gets through
Hi I am really sorry to hear what you are going though.
Not ignoring your post but I do advise you to lock it to this community otherwise the whole post and all the replies can go viral and even end up on social media. If you are concerned about security this would be much better.
To do this look for the edit button. Once it's locked a little padlock will appear next to your post.
Many people don't like to replying unlocked posts so you will get better responses if it is more secure.
Hi there, Those words you quoted are almost exactly what used to go though my mind every day, after my abusive husband suicided. He used to drill them into me relentlessly when alive.
32 years later I have overcome those words. Once I realised that it was my Fight or Flight reaction coming from the primitive hind brain which lurks in the base of the rational brain, I took steps to combat it, by not letting it win. Whenever I was on my own and it popped out I would get angry, cuss it out and tell it to learn about travel and reproduction, but not in that order. The very fact of getting angry with it forced it back down, first for a week then a couple of weeks, and so on, until it gave in and retired to sulk.
It isn't a quick fix, you need to keep going whenever it creeps out, but it can be conquered. I'm living proof; I'm on no antidepressants any more, all I take is Ibuprofen for the creeping arthritis. (I don't know who Arthur was, but I wish he'd take his itis and go!) 😉😄
I'm now 75, but I'm living my best life; You can too!
I've been sitting here in my car, texting with the lovely psychologist woman I'm seeing, but also intentionally avoiding the critical work I need to, but can't seem to do.... And so again thinking I just ought to go and kill myself finally since I can't seem to change this or fix myself and I'm out of resources.
Your post here is a lift I needed to hear.
Thank you
"cuss it out and tell it to learn about travel and reproduction, but not in that order"
I know.And the fact that I've kept doing it so very much is the main reason I hate myself,. and am constantly thinking and feeling in the brink of leaving finally.
I read through these responses, and am thankful, and going to take the opportunity to try to write a little and work my way through something.
I know you're right, that the misfiring stupid fight/flight/freeze/fawn part of the lizard brain amygdala is overreacting contributing to distorted thoughts in my head that if I open my email, and begin resuming work, it's never going to be good enough, or I'm just going to fail (again) anyway, and I can't seem to do anything well enough, etc. etc. I know from a lot of reading and work and talking to wise people that these thoughts are at minimum exaggerated, actually distorted, that my worst fears (let's say emergency insolvency and even homelessness) are 1) unlikely, 2) even if they did happen, likely not as bad and scary as I think, and 3) that my ability to handle them is greater than I think.
And still I am petrified in paralyzed. And so I fold in on myself and hate myself, and continually ask if I have the wherewithal to go and end of my life now. But I don't. So I cycle.
I go back and I say yeah actually I'm within about $1,000 and in bad urgent debt right now, so I'm insolvent right now. It is not the first time. And it is really really bad and terrible and painful. I know because I've been there before. And it is terrifying and hard to handle.... Although it's also true that I did, and with help, I worked my ass off through a lot of challenges and dug myself out of it.
Everyone has failures, real or perceived. You know that, don't you? Please stop thinking of yourself as worthless. That's absolutely not true and it's all in your head. You know that, too, don't you? You feel you have been abandoned but that doesn't make you unloveable. You are only unloveable if you don't go out and allow people to love you; even then, you are not unloveable. Just get in with a group of people. I'll bet they will all have been through some of what you're describing. Go on - find a bar somewhere for a while.
Not so Ganolfication...You are unique!...There is NO shame in depression, it is a genuine illness which needs treatment. if you cut your finger badly you would get it treated, so why not depression?...There are many out there fighting the deamons you are fighting, including me...All the best and try and stay positive, remember NO SHAME
Thankyou so much !!!for sharing this , you’re not alone . I feel that way too , Ive gotten to the point I’m happiest alone . I’m not coping with deep religious conversations (sadly) or the wider family x-mas get together we had today . I just feel ALL wrong, I feel stupid and glad it’s over . . I’m so happy to be home . Plus I feel guilty because I really am so incredibly grateful…… once upon a time a loved being in a relationships but now I’ve actually forgotten about that because just the thought of it makes me anxious… the expectations…. what if I’m so f…d up i shouldn’t have a relationship, the thought terrifies me ,ive been single for many years. I don’t know how I’ll overcome this , but I’m happy because I’m out of a very terrible depression that went on for a looooong time , I don’t think any one I know truly understands this is how it really is for me . I hope we both find the people we can truly connect with and be our true selves with 🙏💕🤗
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The struggles that we go thru at our age (I'm 54) are different than when we were 'young' and we have more years of decisions to go back and self-criticize. 
Constant Guilt, Shame and Fear
Struggle Shamed (First Post)
LIVING IN SHAME AND FEAR.
I walked with shame before.. 
