I'm scared

My new provider is forcing me to come in person instead of my normal telehealth to my next appointment (next week) with him and I haven't left my house since January. I'm so f*cking scared, it's consumed every part of me. It's all I think about. The anxiety is out of control.

I understand why he wants me to come in (check physical health mostly and bc I'm on controlled substances). I just can't stand the thought of leaving my home and going to a mental health facility for an appointment.

The 'what ifs' are all consuming. All I do is research on my phone (to the point of not eating and ignoring my presence in the room including my wife), about what he's going to do or say and then what I'll say back. I think- 'What's he going to do? Is he going to judge me? Will I get tested for drugs? Will he say something bad? Will he mess with my meds?'

It won't stop. I'm extremely agoraphobic (among other phobias) and so terrified. This fear has taken over. It is who I am right now. I hate it. The regular coping skills aren't doing sh*t. 😟☹️😱😢

Venting and asking for advice.

Thanks for reading.

[Starrlight]

I’ve been through the same … needing to go in after years of zoom only. I was scared too. Whatever you decide we are here for you to support you throughout all.

[Hidden in reply to Starrlight]

Thank you so much 🙏🙏🙏🙏

[gajh]

I am so sorry you are in this horrible situation. Can your wife take you to the appointment or do you have to go alone? I'm sorry that your regular coping skills aren't working. Would it help to leave the house before going to the appointment? Like taking a baby step instead of having to deal with the appointment at the same time as going out for the first time. Even something like just going for a ride in the car. I hope he doesn't mess with your meds. I can understand that the "what ifs" are all consuming. I hope someone else will have some good advice for you. I just wanted to offer support.

[Hidden in reply to gajh]

Hi that's good advice about baby steps first I try to go over stuff in my mind first, I recently had to cancel family coming on my b day just the thought of so many in my new house and I'm all upside down with it, I find it's more the before time that's the worst over thinking what can go wrong when really it usually is better than fine, 🤗

[Turnipgirl in reply to Hidden]

Perhaps you can rearrange for another day when you feel ready.

Last Saturday I went to swimming on the bus like I do most Saturdays for the lunchtime swim session and there was a match on in the city centre and the bus back was going to be crowded and even before I got on I was terrified of the crowds even though Im aware the fears are irrational and nothing horrible will happen when I thought it through what's the worst that can happen but still i was terrified!

In spite of me having been terrified I went on the crowded bus anyway and managed to see it through until the stop I needed to get off at and that I did and survived it and the other bus I got on to come home was empty which was nice!

That was deliberate when I got the crowded bus just to set myself a challenge to see through to build up my confidence after getting evicted back in May and even though I was terrified on the bus I saw it through and survived it!

This Saturday coming I am off out to Cardiff Bay which I am looking forward to and staying on for their evening of live music which will be another challenge to do.

I don't want to be out every chance God sends though as that's just silly!

How are you and Prince Pixie getting on?

Baby is great and still getting spoilt!

[Hidden in reply to Turnipgirl]

Good morning cat glad your getting out I'm ok at these family occasions once there but don't like staying too long the kids get noisey etc and I just pref been at home, I'm out tomorrow for tea a early birthday bar meal we been tryner get that for about a year Xmas one was cancelled my friend's birthday was too I'm lacking in sleep due to road works now I'll go bed early, he's been demanding I got a big nip and he's off his special sachet meat now on tuna today I'm getting some offer priced tin meat for a change, it's hot here now been busy on garden, I couldn't go to a live music gig too many people and noise I can't stand noise like that 🤗😹

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

So true.

[gajh in reply to Hidden]

Absolutely. I always find thinking about something ahead of time turns out being worse than the actual event. Anticipatory Anxiety. If only we could turn off those thoughts.

[Hidden in reply to gajh]

Right! I agree. 💛

[Hidden in reply to gajh]

Thank you 🙏 yes, my wife is going with me. I'm trying baby steps but it's so hard. I can't reschedule bc he won't fill my meds if I don't go. It's do or die. I have to understand his situation.

[gajh in reply to Hidden]

I am so glad to hear that your wife is going with you. I am glad you are trying baby steps. Because it is "do or die" you will do. You will make it through. You have so much support from everyone here.

[Hidden in reply to gajh]

Thank you so much!!! 🙏🙏🙏💛💛💛

[Hidden in reply to gajh]

I can 'what if' myself to death lol

[Agora1 in reply to Hidden]

Swilly79, isn't that the truth though? Once we get that "what if" train rolling

it picks up speed along the way. xx

[Hidden in reply to Agora1]

Ugh it does! If I look at it more positively, I can say 'what if it goes ok and nothing bad happens?' Ya know? I'm trying

[Agora1 in reply to Hidden]

Swilly79, when you get off track, it's always best to hop on the positive track

that will get you to your destination w/o all the drama. You're doing good xx

[Hidden in reply to Agora1]

Thank you, you're right. I have to get myself in a better frame of mind.

[Hidden in reply to Agora1]

I have to get your opinion. Is it better to just go or, take baby steps? I've been advised to do both. Idk which to do. A part of me wants to just get up and go and a part of me wants to crawl into bed and curl up.

[Agora1 in reply to Hidden]

Oh never crawl back in bed that will get you nowhere.

Whether just getting up and going or taking baby steps is a win.

As long as you are trying, you are winning.

It's amazing in how not thinking twice about going back to bed but

instead, shower, have something to eat and get dressed will make

you feel better in the long run. xx

[Hidden in reply to Agora1]

That makes sense. Getting up today was hard. I really had to dig deep. But, I'm on the couch lol I went outside for a moment too so, that's a win. Thank you 🙏

[AnxiousSilver]

I'm not the best with health anxiety either, but do you have anyone that can go with you for support?

[Hidden in reply to AnxiousSilver]

Yes, my wife is coming with me but, I'm just so scared. Thank you 🙏

[Hidden]

Hi swilly I know you've been having hard time lately and I have no experience with your symptoms other than my phobia of crowds somewhat and meetings sometimes but I find once I'm there I'm actually usually fine but nervous at first but as long as the person I'm feeling with isn't horrible I'm fine and as you already know who your meeting that's half the battle, have you some transport to get you there without public transport and a escort you could talk to whom your meeting explain can they collect you from your transport and escort you to the room then you won't have to see too many people alone, do some visualisation that all be well see yourself been relaxed and confident do the meeting in your mind, yul need a relaxation cd I'm sorry I can't be more help, sending a hug 🤗💕💕🌟

[Turnipgirl in reply to Hidden]

I have been dealing with fears of crowded places recently especially crowded buses and what I did was said how I was going there to prove to myself that everything is fine and there's no reason to be frightened which I have found has helped even though I do know the fears are irrational but can't help being frightened!

I am finding it rewarding getting out and about and dealing with fears even though I was terrified last Saturday on the crowded bus but I did it though and when it comes again it will be easy!

[Hidden in reply to Turnipgirl]

I still don't like crowded buses and out mask on if it's like that everytime I get bus I get cold or COVID well apart from last time have a good day I best move 🌹

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Yes, I'm gonna wear a mask but I'm scared that people will judge me. Like what's wrong with her?

[Hidden in reply to Turnipgirl]

I hate crowds or crowded places. I'm gonna have my wife go in first and tell me if there's a lot of people in the waiting room. Thank you 🙏

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Thank you dear, yes, my wife is bringing me. I think I've got it built up in my mind as terrifying. It's debilitating. Thank you again.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Please try not to worry focus on it soon it soon be over I'm so relieved my birthday get togethers cancelled the cats driving me nuts meowow lol life as a sad old spinster has its draw backs 🙄😂🤦😁😁hope your laughing my dear friend 💕😹

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Lol! I get it I promise you that! Thank you for making me smile. I love cats. 😻

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

When is your birthday?!

[Turnipgirl]

It's not nice is it when you feel absolutely terrified and it consumes you to the point when you can't physically do things even though you know full well fears are irrational but you can't help it.

[Hidden in reply to Turnipgirl]

That's exactly how I feel. It's so irrational. Ugh

[Downinil]

God morning, Swilly79, Unfortunately this situation is impacting a lot of us these days. Can you get on YouToub type in: guided meditation for feeling panicked? I think it will help you.

[Hidden in reply to Downinil]

Yes, I have a few youtube people I watch and listen to. I just get so scared that like, nothing helps. Thank you 🙏

[Downinil in reply to Hidden]

Believe me I understand about nothing helping. The thing is we’re still doing something even while miserable.

[Hidden in reply to Downinil]

So true.

[Jennblank7734]

Wow. Just reading this gave me such bad anxiety. I can't imagine being in that situation right now. I hope everything goes well.

[Hidden in reply to Jennblank7734]

Thank you 🙏

[Midori]

Hi Swilly,

I really think you should bite the bullet and go.

Periodic regular health checks are important as well as your mental heath checks, as things can build up in your physical condition if you don't see a doctor on a fairly regular basis.

As you are agoraphibic , if you don't leave the house it can impact severely on your physical health, not to mention fitness in general, with weakening of your leg muscles and , ultimately your bones.

I think your new Doc wants to see you in person so he can check out your bloods as well as possibly your muscles and bones, as well as your Calcium levels.

I personally feel my legs are weakening, despite the fact I take Calcium and Vitamin D every day. Mind you; I am 75!

Cheers. Midori

[Hidden in reply to Midori]

You're right. He won't refill my meds either if I don't. He does wanna check my health, it's just been so long, ya know? I've begun to hate medical situations ever since my pulmonary embolism. Thank you 🙏

[Midori]

Pulmonary embolisms are no fun, one of my friends had one years ago. That reminds me, I haven't taken my Vitamins today (slaps wrist!)

Cheers, Midori

[Hidden in reply to Midori]

Ugh it was terrible. 5 days in the hospital, over Christmas! Then I had to be on warfarin for about a year and do weekly blood tests. I was at my wit's end.

I sued Bayer, the company that made the birth control that caused it. Made a good bit of money but, nothing will take away the shitty experience or current fear of medical issues.