Orange and Blue, but never Gold

[weakerthanilook]

I'm never good with this sort of thing, so I thought I'd bring in something I learned from someone my work brought in to discuss personalities, by using colors, to get things started. While I was a mixture of several I was mainly Orange (short term driven, impulsive, "crazy") and what I thought was Gold (responsible, organized, loyal, respects rules). It turns out that what I thought were the Gold traits embedded in me were really the just a facade and I was really Blue (emotionally driven, sympathetic, creative, enthusiastic) pretending to be Gold. In my case I found myself trying to hold myself to the standards that I saw from my Dad who is solid Gold, but rarely do I find myself living up to it and I think that has led to much of my depression, feeling like a failure. I have always been emotional, which is hard to admit and I have always felt like I've had to hide it from everyone, even when I sympathize with someone else I can't drop the mask I've put up. I hide behind humor and a "stoic" (as described by others) demeanor when in public, to hide my anxiety and depression. Growing up I was not able to show pain, mainly physical or I would get an eye roll from my Dad or even a comment about being a sissy and at some point in my head I think that began including emotional pain. I became numb for a long time and for as long as I can remember (41 this month) I have always had suicidal ideation. I have had some real low moments and even wrote a note one time, but never had any active plans. I think the note was more of a way to get my feelings down. I have always had this weird comfort thinking that if anything got bad enough that I don't need to worry as I can just end it.

Here I am, 41, with a family and what should be considered a decent job, but I feel alone, ashamed and I feel like a failure and a waste. I have hobbies that I haven't really taken seriously in a year or two, my house is falling apart, my wife is mad at me most of the time (although we actually finally discussed some issue and things are sort of better) and I can't seem to keep up. What bothers me most, with my wife, is she knows I am depressed, but instead of trying to help me or understand she throws it in my face or runs me down to her friends. While she has a great support group of close friends (almost too great...it's always the husbands fault) I have no one, not even her and I feel very alone. That combined with feeling like I'm failing with everything else just puts me in a downward spiral most days and I can't get out of my own way. Even though I'm writing this now and even attempt to reach out once in awhile for help I never seem to follow through. I either feel like I'm a waste of anyone's time or have a short term upturn and stop looking for help. Any time I've even thought about calling a hotline, all I can think is if I call then I might be keeping someone worse off from getting help. I have tried many combinations of meds (not on any currently) and didn't have much luck with therapy since I'm too closed off. When I was trying therapy I was told at first I was bipolar and then it was mood disorder and then a very pompous psychologist, who looked at the notes from the previous diagnosis said it was just adult ADHD. What's been hard is I can sort of step away from myself and see when I'm having a "moment", but I can't actually stop myself and it just makes it worse after the fact knowing how I was acting, especially in front of coworkers, friend and family.

Anyways, this was kind of a rambling mess, but figured it was somewhere to start.

-WTIL

[gajh]

Welcome. I am glad you are here reaching out. You express yourself very well. Thank you for sharing so much. I am sorry that you feel so alone. You are not alone here. I hope you stick around. I have only been here for a week. I am finding it very helpful. I read through all of the posts and reply at times. There are some great suggestions on this site. There are people who have overcome their anxiety. I haven't read about anyone overcoming depression yet. I just feel better knowing that there are people who get it. It makes me feel not alone. As for calling a hotline and keeping someone worse off from getting help, you deserve help too. It is not about being worse off. The hotlines are there for all of us. I look forward to reading the responses you get from other people. Hopefully some good suggestions. Take care.

[Agora1]

Hi weakerthanilook, I don't necessarily agree with your name since I am a person who

feels what we think is what we get. Just by reading your first post I can tell where

your traits about yourself have come from. As well as parents try to instill good values

in us, there are some who tend to put a child down during the growing years. A child's

mind is impressionable at that early age and it doesn't take long before they start

believing what they are told on a daily basis.. There is no reason you should have to

live up to your father's standards in being a "gold".

We all our different, we all have our own qualities but we must learn on our own

as we get into adulthood.

As much as I'm sure your wife loves you, her remarks are a continuation of your

father's put downs. How can you develop self esteem and confidence when you

are battered down each day?

You say that therapy doesn't work and you are not on medication right now.

The medication would just take the edge of how you feel but until you find your

place within yourself, you will continue to suffer.

Let me Welcome you to this great caring community of virtual friends.

We all came here for the support and learning experiences of others. Together

we find answers. You are never alone new friend. It's going to be okay, we're

here on that journey with you. xx