It’s hard to know where to start so I guess I’ll start at the beginning-ish. I’ve had anxiety all my life(I was a well behaved child who was “a joy to have in class”) My anxiety would often manifest in an upset stomach to the point of vomiting and/or diarrhea. As I’ve gotten older I’ve come to realize I likely have CPTSD due to the home environment I grew up in. I’ve done my best to be cognizant of my limitations but it seems like it all got worse with the pandemic. I had quit my job about a month before lockdown because I was miserable and was planning on finding something less intense. Lockdown happened and I developed agoraphobia for a bit and was reliant on my spouse for everything. They did their best to be supportive but that wasn’t sustainable. I’ve made progress in fits and starts and I’m no longer agoraphobic but I am definitely a home body and will choose to stay home rather than go out if the conditions aren’t right or if my mental health isn’t great. I am still unemployed and had some temporary success doing DoorDash but that tapered off and my spouse is fed up with my promises that I’m working on things when I’m unable to show actual progress.
Thins came to a head earlier this week after a fresh string of disappointments due to my canceling social plans we had and they told me that I’ve broken their trust. They told me they need a break to be away from me to be on their own and I find myself in my childhood home where a lot of my trauma was born. I need to work on myself and make progress in a more legitimate way if I want to go back home. Step 1 after my arrival was joining this group, I plan on doing a lot of journaling and reading but I welcome any advice on how to move forward.
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Possum7
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I swear you just wrote part of my profile. I'll come back to comment. This is a great forum and I come here every day. You have the right mindset. I also understand how hard it can be with our spouses. I finally broke down and told my husband all of my trauma and he is still absorbing a bit. It felt good thought to let it out!
I too quit my job when COVID hit! My husband has to care for me and my three kids with my Ex. I worry all of the time he will leave. I posted on the chronic pain site a few days ago about our loved ones leaving us in our most time of need. I truly don't understand. I am super happy though you beat the phobia...I too became that way and am slowly trying to integrate into adult discussions. I can't hold a conversation for the life of me. when I deal with my kids friend's parents I break out in rash!
My spouse and I have already done two separations in the past two years or so, we were just separated in the same home though where we were more like roommates than spouses. Each time I was able to make enough progress that we were able to reconcile but I haven't been able to maintain that progress thus the current situation.
Sorry to hear that you are suffering but I think it's a good thing that you realized you are suffering from cptsd. Recognizing what is really going on can help in getting the appropriate help and understanding you need. I too have cptsd from growing up in an emotionally and physically abusive household and then was bullied in school. Consequently I developed social anxiety disorder but what I really had was cptsd. I ended up working with a trauma therapist that used emdr as part of the therapy which was very helpful so you might consider it.
I, too, suffer from C-PTSD. Not very many clinicians know about it yet. I remember those stomach cramps well. I used to get them all the time in elementary school. My mom constantly taking me to see doctors just to tell her I was a healthy child. She, too, grew tired of my constant complaints of stomach aches. When I get so anxious I throw up. It was hard as a child because I didn't know what was wrong with me. Nor did I have the language to explain it.
Of course now that I'm older, I now have a better grasp of what was happening to me.
Anyways welcome to the forum. Here you are not alone. You did a great job coming here. It took guts to spill your guts lol
Anxiety is a funny thing. Originally it was meant to aid us when we were in danger way back when. But now we are in a more modern world. We don't have wild beast to run from. So our anxiety gets turned on to modern things like work, people and environment we live in.
The thing with anxiety the more you face off with anxiety the less you become afraid of it. Avoiding things that bring you anxiety only strengthens and creates phobias.
Anxiety can't hurt you. Panic attacks can't kill you. Sure, they are not pleasant. I'll give you that. But look at us, we are still here!
I've been to a place where anxiety has become more of a background character in my story. Sure, I suffered a setback. But that comes with the territory of anxiety. You will have them. Take 2 steps forward and back. But each time you are advancing, though in the midst of it, it doesn't feel that way. But trust the process. You will get there!
With the right kind of therapy, you can grow and blossom into the person you want to be.
I'm sorry things are difficult right now. But you will get through this.
So I've been doing my best to work on my issues while I'm away from my spouse giving them space. We mostly text like once a day to update each other on the pets, one of our dogs is with me and she's home with our other dog and two cats, or just to say that we hope the other has a nice day. They texted me today to say they were hoping my day was going well and about an hour earlier I had gotten a call back about a job I applied for in the city we live in together before the space separation so I told them about it. I was hoping this would be exciting for them too since I believe it shows I'm making good on my word and working on things but instead they just said that they didn't know what to tell me and that this is why they needed space and that their head is a mess. Now I just feel like the winds have completely left my sails and I just want to sleep forever. I'm worried that they're deciding to leave me and that I'm going to be stuck living with my mom indefinitely which only makes things worse.
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