New here, looking for others who can relate to me and understand the ups and downs of ongoing depression/anxiety

[TripleMMom86]

I use to be so care free happy energetic and look at the glass half full type of person loved life raising my kids then my father became sick and I was struggling with that being a daddy’s girl but I was getting by with it and continuing on with we will make the best of it… then bam! I find out my husband of 10 yrs had been having an emotional affair with a woman at work for over a year. Some may say well it wasn’t physical( that I know of) so that’s good but when he has been shut off mentally and emotionally from you and your kids your entire marriage just being present and providing and you have tried and done everything to be there helping him with his past traumas yet to be shut down and ignored and had asked him many times if he isn’t happy for him to deny and say he was and asked if he wants out and he denied and said he can’t live without you and after 10 yrs you find out all the energy and love you was putting in and not getting back was being given to someone else, all the love and kindness you begged for was being given to someone else and all while you were dealing with one of the hardest parts of your life ( learning of a parent’s terminal illness). Once caught and the blinds were opened my world was flipped and the depression came along with the anxiety. Then with the fear of losing us he brought on the emotional abuse which in turn brought on more mental illness for me in the form of self doubt ,lost my confidence, flashbacks and nightmares, fast forward to 3 yrs later family has been attending church and he has shown alot of change and even gave his heart to God but I’m here still constantly struggling with sadness fear and anxiety. I’m ok for awhile and feel safe and then i get triggered by things and it all comes rushing back fast like it all just happened, I’m tired of the emotional roller coaster and I just want to be who I use to be but I know I’m forever changed.

[Marysblue]

Welcome !

I'm sure you probably tried this but is there a counselor at your church you can talk to. You made good decision by getting on here, this is a great support system.

[TripleMMom86 in reply to Marysblue]

Yes I have done counseling and like I said I will be good for a little while but it always comes sneaking back, just get tired you know of the nonstop battle.

[SayNOtoPanic]

hi tripleMM. Hang in there. You’re not alone. Check out Dennis Simsek book F coping start healing. Really good book for addressing anxiety and all the things that come with it especially triggers. You can get it in audible and listen to it, it’s an easy listen. Lifting you in prayer.

[Mumbutterfly]

What you’re feeling is normal after such a betrayal. Finding a different therapist who can help you both work through this is worth trying if you both want to stay in the relationship. One who specializes in trauma therapy would be the most helpful. Being betrayed like this is traumatic and won’t just go away with counseling.

I stayed for almost forty years with someone who was emotionally neglectful. He was unwilling to go to therapy so I eventually left and we’re now divorced. I stayed because of religious beliefs and for my kids. When they were grown and gone and things didn’t get better, I just couldn’t stay anymore. I was an emotional wreck for years before and after leaving. I found a good therapist and am working through everything. It’s taking time but I am better than I was. I think it might have been better if I had found someone who specializes in trauma therapy but she has been trained in it and I’m making progress and don’t want to start all over right now.

Emotional betrayal is just as bad as physical betrayal because it’s the emotional part of the physical that hurts so badly. I’m not just saying that. Jesus said that adultery in the mind is just as bad as actually doing it.

I hope you can find someone who can help you both and that your husband will be willing to do whatever it takes to heal your relationship. Divorce is hard and it’s hard on the kids, even if they’re adults. Staying in a bad relationship is also hard and in the long run, may be even harder and do more damage.

[stillstandingrosa in reply to Mumbutterfly]

So eloquently said.

[Midori]

Welcome to the community! We are a friendly and supportive group here, and can speak from our own experiences.

You have really been betrayed by your husband, especially when you need his support the most, while your father is ill.

I can't advise on what to do with hubby, although, if it were me, I would kick him hard where it hurts and file for divorce, however You are not me, and are feeling very fragile.

I wonder why your husband has decided to have this emotional affair? Has he had a loss such as you are expecting? or is he just one who likes to play away? Even an emotional affair is heartbreaking for the partner. Perhaps he is feeling the onset of middle age, and has an emotional need to try to still feel desirable; as do you.

It's a tough one. Do you have a doctor whom you could talk to, maybe get some mild medication to help you function until you feel stronger? After my husband died (long story) I was left with two kids less than school age, as well as a mortgage and unreasonable In-laws, who made life difficult to say the least. It's unfair that you have to go through this without the help of your hubby, facing your father's end is difficult. I am now the oldest member of my family, as all my seniors have gone.

I got angry, and decided I was going to take this by the horns and ride it. It took time, but for me, it worked. Only you will know if it will work for you.

Cheers, Midori