I woke at 4 and thought

[Against_the_current]

I miss my sister and playing with her but with my abusive mother and sis growing up and my mental state, i might never have this back. Wondering if i should go back for the summer but that would mean dealing with mom, sis seeing my illness, having to either leave my accommodation or pay for it without being there and if i leave it i need to store all my stuff somewhere and idk where. And sis is only growing up

[Gradients-of-Blue]

I hope you can go see your sister without any issues, but remember yourself first. Missing family is the worst feeling especially when it's young members. I'm sure she misses you too and just like this stranger, wishes the best for you. Think through your decision and make sure in the end your happy with it, no matter what ❤️

[Against_the_current in reply to Gradients-of-Blue]

Thanks, it's so hard 😞❤️

[SoporRose]

Here's how your situation seems to me; tell me if I'm wrong.

At your room where you are now, you are miserable, without access to a kitchen and therefore without access to reliable food and clean water. You are lonely and missing your sister.

At your mom's, you will still be miserable because your mom drinks and says things that upset you, but there you will have food, water, some kinds of care from your mom who recently seems to be trying to treat you better, and the company of your sister, who is a sassy teenager, but loves you.

The big question is, at which place willyou be more likely to be able to study? Neither place is perfect, but regular meals and hydration are likely to help you focus.

Figure out about whether to keep your accommodation after your exam.

One thing to consider is that the presence of a loved one (your sister) may help you to take care of yourself. You say you don't want your sister to see your illness, so you may be inspired to try some new coping mechanisms. I have often done things I felt incapable of doing for myself but could do for someone else (for example, I am terrible at standing up for myself, but was much more willing to do so for my children, who are now a little older than you.).

I may be missing some aspects of your situation that make my perspective skewed. But I think that right now, you need to make a choice and stick with it so you can study for your test. You know the material from your studies, so with your intelligence and memory, I think you can still pass that test with a high enough grade to get to grad school. I am sending you good thoughts and support!

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

I appreciate it but it makes the decision so hard. I can't study at home. I have 2 more days, no time for going back. I'm indecisive, that's so rough. My psychiatrist said i need to pass the exam and then figure out a new accomodation. He even advised me to stay away from family in this state. Also home is still a small place for 3 people. My therapist said dad left because it was hard to live with 3 girls inbthis tinu spaces. damn the architecture. If i go it would be August only because in September hopefully i will continue my studies next level. but idk what to do with my accommodation while im there. Also mom would send me to work. It's choosing between my mental and physical health 😞

[SoporRose in reply to Against_the_current]

I think most of what your psychiatrist said is good advice, though I hope you know that if it's true about your dad not being able to live with three women that the sexism is his problem and not your fault. Indecision often freezes me, too.

I'll be thinking about you and hoping the support I'm sending somehow makes it all the way to you in Bulgaria.

[SoporRose]

Dear AtC,

I know you are taking your exam today. I’m thinking of you and trying to send waves of energy and clarity and recall your way. I hope you knock this ball out of the park. I imagine you’ll be exhausted after, but I hope you’ll feel exhilarated, too, and will get some rest before moving on to thinking about your housing options.

Please let us know how you’re feeling when you are rested and ready.

Ruth