How do I get over an ex after 4 years?

[Faintestidea]

The mother of my children and I broke up 4 years ago when she cheated with a coworker of ours. After 1 year of that we became somewhat friends, as in trying to support each other, help from separate households etc..But no matter what I do in life, especially if I wanted to start something with another woman, I just can't do it. I feel like I'm cheating or doing something I shouldn't be doing. I can't get over her since she's the 1 that ended things not me. And now I'm finding out through the grapevine that she's attached to someone else yet again and now I'm feeling like I'm worth nothing to anyone, rejected etc even though we'd never get back together. What the heck can I do and why am I feeling like this?

[012703060610]

I am so sorry to hear your struggles. I got a divorced dropped on me about 5 years ago. We have three young kids. We both started dating shortly after the divorce was over. We too tried to support and be kind. Now we are back in court!

Here is something I realized not too long ago….I can’t remember the last happy moment I had with him. I wonder if I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and just suffered. I think your feelings are normal. Some people run off from divorce while others take more time to focus on their needs and wants in a relationship.

It can hurt to hear the other is now with someone else or if they are casually dating. And it can hurt a lot! I also was cheated on and was willing to reconcile….mostly for the kids.

My best advice is to put him out of your mind. Don’t ask about him. Don’t follow his social media if he does it a lot. This can be so very hard to do. My therapist had to kick my butt into this mindset. I don’t get AS upset anymore and honestly my lack of response or care for him has him freaked out. This is a win for me……I finally feel like I am in the drivers seat. I needed the balance of power restored! Just food for thought….I’m no expert!

[Faintestidea in reply to 012703060610]

Just to say, I'm the him. She's the her lol. But I really like what you said, it makes a lot of sense. The only part that kills me I still have to hear from her when she's dropping off my children, things she expects me to do(as in run them somewhere because she's too rushed to go meet up with him etc)) if I could just eliminate that part and block her number I'd be off to a good start

[012703060610 in reply to Faintestidea]

I implemented a no visual contact policy. It doesn't always work, but on exchange we do not see each other. It literally triggers me because of how we got divorced. He lured me to another state to have our third kid and his parents could help with the older kids. Yeah, 6 months later on maternity leave and I was served not in the state I was living or working. Huge trauma as the kids were not allowed to leave unless he agreed. Premeditated crazy!

I had to stop him from just dropping by all of the time because he can't get exchanges together. Yes I knew you were the him, sorry about that. Forget HER! We limit conversations to an exact issue or problem if we must speak. I still have to be upbeat about him for the kids though but I don't mind. They are getting older and totally understand why it didn't work. I have to hear about the girlfriend from the kids but they don't even know what they are talking about it seems! It is just so hard and I empathize because we can't just walk away from the toxicity. Kids involved .... makes it hard! I also stopped helping or accommodating last minute. I got a call that he wanted to the kids at 4pm at 2pm on weekend. It was my time and it was just a hard NO. He threw a fit. I just stopped caring if I was making waves for him.

[Dani0431]

Hey. Just wanted to reply because I’m looking for people to connect with, but also I can relate to not being able to move on emotionally. I currently seek out friendships and relationships with people but it’s really hard for me to move on in my mind from people I cared about who broke my heart. The only thing I can say that helps is reminding myself what someone told me a long time ago. They said that if you loved once, you will love again. In other words, you know you have the capacity to love someone now and you can find that love with someone else. After my first serious relationship ended I had to remind myself of that. And I still do.

[Faintestidea in reply to Dani0431]

I'd be more than happy to talk and connect with you as I can relate to what you're feeling. Also sent you a chat message for the heck of it lol