The rollercoaster of despair

[northwoodboy]

I was on meds for 25 years then after several incidents they stopped working. My psychiatrist offered upward adjustments with no effect so I decided I had to find another path. I am flying to Colorado next week for 2 psilocybin treatments. In the meantime I have weaned myself off all meds because I read that SSID's can prevent psilocybin from working. The last few weeks have been hellish despite my following strict daily goals - exercise, affirmations, journaling, mindfullness etc. I have days of relative normalcy - no suicidal ideation - but the next day back down into the unconquerable stream of catastrophizing.

I find it so hard to experience these glimmers of normalcy and then being brought back down to earth with another day of hopelessness. I know I am doing a lot to change and I have taken responsibility for my brain rather than relying on pills unfortunately today the devil has once again decided to join me and I have every expectation that he will continue to do so and my gallant efforts to prevent his presence will once again fall short.

I am so over this

[Marysblue]

Your trip to Colorado and treatment sounds exciting. Let us know how it works. Yes the worst part of depression is the nagging negative thoughts. People just think it's sadness but they don't realize the internal dialogue.You have some very good coping skills. And I have days too when I do all of them and nothing works. I Imagine you have gone through hell getting off your antidepressants. Stay strong.

[Tealpillow in reply to Marysblue]

that alone takes such strength!

[Dell12345]

Thanks for sharing, I can really relate. What are the medications that helped you? X

[Hidden]

It’s rather scary trying something new. I’m 52 and I’m not getting much better either. Recently a psychiatrist recommended either Spravato or ECT to me. Not sure what to do, I know I don’t want ECT. Hope what you’re doing helps, keep us updated.

[bethelbee]

After decades of meds I became treatment resistant. Fortunately my therapist recommended TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation). It literally saved my life. Have had 3 rounds; the results of the first two each lasted about 6 months and the 3rd is still working after almost a year and a half. It is a noninvasive treatment but big commitment of 5x/wk for 6-7weeks. I would never do ECT nor would I do ketamine.

[LilyAnnepuppy in reply to bethelbee]

I’m on treatment 29 today of my second round of TMS. The first round lasted awhile. It’s hard to say how long because my daughter died two months after the treatments. So it was difficult to determine what was grief and what was depression.

I’m noticing some improvement already. I feel “lighter” and even spontaneous. Joy perhaps?

[bethelbee in reply to LilyAnnepuppy]

So sorry about the loss of your daughter.. What you felt was probably grief and hopefully the effects of TMS kept you from spiralling down. I've had so many health and medical issues since my last round and I know it kept me from spiralling. If it weren't for TMS I would have been in a deep hole. Happy to hear you are experiencing some joy again! I hope you continue to improve.

[LilyAnnepuppy in reply to bethelbee]

Thanks.