I don't know what it means to have fun

[Sylvain-]

First, I need to apologize: if you suffer from physical issues, abuse, or other terrible condition, the problems I will describe here will seem incredibly superficial and selfish. But I assure you the suffering is real. And even if it is only a small part of my difficulties, it can occupy a disproportionate amount of space in my mind, especially when my depression worsens. I will let aside knowing if it is a symptom or a cause—probably it is both in a self-reinforcing mental decease. Anyway...

I never went to a party. I don't even know what it means to "celebrate" or "have fun". While a teenager, I was invited to birthday parties once or twice—but I always refused. I found obscure reasons, but the reality was I was too shy and insecure to go there. If I had, I would probably not have enjoyed the event anyway. I picture myself sitting alone in the corner of the room while the others are involved in social behaviors beyond my understanding.

For my graduation, I left right after the diploma ceremony. I realized it was not my place to celebrate with the others.

Later my greatest fear was going to a nightclub. Once, only once, I was there, forced to attend a work event in a nightclub. It was over 20 years ago, and I still vividly remember how distressing that event was. While sitting in the VIP lounge, I managed to keep a brave face. But when my colleagues decided it would be fun to go down to the dance floor, it was horrible for me. Beautiful young ladies and perfectly fit young men everywhere. All were nicely dressed, obviously enjoying the noise and promiscuity. Dancing and flirting as if it was perfectly natural and doing so under the eyes of others without any concern. Obviously, all were self-confident and assured. I panicked and left after only a few minutes that seemed an eternity, ending up crying in the car park.

What could have done a shy, fat, and ugly person like me? I don't even have anything interesting to say about me. I was never popular or attractive in any way. I don't even know how to dance, and I never danced. How could I withstand the scrutiny and mockeries of the others?

Now, at 50yo, I feel old and empty. I can't ever compensate for the lost time. I never had fun, and I wasted my youth. And as a matter of fact, I should have realized early that my social inabilities and loneliness were just anticipations for a pitiful life without any joy or success.

I have a 9yo son. I don't know how to guide him so his life will not be full of regrets like mine...

[Starrlight]

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ Yes your suffering is real. I was always shy too. I don’t think nightclubs are fun either. My idea of fun is being out in nature sitting or hiking with my kids and dog. I like to be alone too. It’s the only time I can let myself just be.

What do you like to do? What do you want to learn more of? Maybe answering these types of questions can help you identify and appreciate who you are.

[Sylvain- in reply to Starrlight]

Thanks for your reply, Starrlight. Sorry for the long message; I really needed to talk this evening.

It is late at night here in France. For a few days, I have had insomnia because my mind is full of regrets, bad thoughts, and overall hate about me. On the other hand, I sleep all day both because of medication and because I am tired. I have very negative feelings.

I understand what you say, and this is what I try to convince myself when I am not that bad. But for now, the dark side of my soul endlessly repeats that beautiful and successful people have many places to meet and create social, professional, or romantic opportunities. At the same time, uninteresting people have to hide themselves and focus on lonely and discrete activities. It is a self-reinforcing process. Success calls for more success. But losers can only expect more losses. And regrets. And deceptions.

You talked about learning more about myself. I have years of therapy doing that. And I really tried hard to become someone. To present a high professional profile and to be an expert in my field. It led to nothing. All my efforts couldn't compensate for the lack of social skills and my excessively introverted personality. Now, I am giving up. If I died tonight, no more than two or three persons would feel concerned. As I described in my initial message, I never was able to compete with the others. I just realized with more acuity today that I became the worst version of myself.

[Starrlight in reply to Sylvain-]

I am sorry you feel that way about yourself. I too have really negative feelings about myself that I very seldom speak of these days but I listen to them a lot of the time. I think a lot of what we believe in, comes to bee we truth. So I try to think about good occurrences and be positive but lots of conflicting thoughts come and I have to fight against them. Eventually we can get to where we want to be and realize we were okay all along. I think you are more than okay in being you but I’m sorry you suffer so and I wish I could take that away and leave nothing but a sight of goodness and love for yourself. ❤️

[Sylvain- in reply to Starrlight]

Thanks a lot for your comment. I slept few hours and a new day is about to start.

[Shield_Of_Faith]

Yeah my social phobia keeps me from trying to enjoy life too with others.I don't know what the right answer is because I Struggle trying to be around people.But I can relate to wanting to be more social but struggling to do so.

I was homeschooled on my last year of high school years ago and my family had to go pick up my diploma at the office. I couldn't do a proper graduation on stage with everyone else. Alot of events with my family I just couldn't do.

So I understand.

[Sylvain- in reply to Shield_Of_Faith]

Thanks for your understanding. I sometimes think I am the worst person on earth, struggling with and torturing myself about things that seem so natural for normal people. It is good to know that I and not the only one with these feelings.

It is sad to think the world is made for social and self-confident people, whereas people like us should live hidden, devoured by shame and regrets.

[Renizzle2023]

It’s not wrong to be introverted and it’s not wrong not to enjoy nightclubs. There is a place here for the quiet people, they are just as valuable to society as the talkative confident brash ones. In fact I believe that oftentimes it is the quiet introverts who get things done and hold society together! Try not to judge yourself for being a different type of person. It takes all kinds!

Age is just a number. Don’t let your age stop you from confrontating your shyness. There are still valuable friendships, activities, experiences waiting for you and your son! You get to enjoy things with him that you have never done before! Like birthday parties! Don’t give up. Practice practice practice and it will get easier. It did for me.

[Sylvain- in reply to Renizzle2023]

You talk like my therapists. Over the years, I tried so many things without success, forcing me to overcome my shyness, social phobias, and inabilities. But the only thing I achieved was making a fool of myself. Until now, the best I could reach was to accept being a loser and satisfy myself with a small and meaningless life. But acceptance has limits, and when I open my eyes, I see how miserable and worthless my life was. I can't even blame bad luck: I started my life with good cards in hand, but that total mess was totally my fault and only my fault.

Thanks anyway for your support. I am sincerely glad you find a way to get through it to the point you now enjoy your life.

[meromano]

Sylvain, you write so beautifully and you obviously care about other people otherwise you would not apologize at the outset. From your writing I sense a deep hatred and loathing for yourself; it feels to me like you don't want to let go of this hatred and you cannot accept that there is something good about you. You make it sound like you have done something terrible and that you need to be punished for it all the time. Even if that were true it seems to me that you have already punished yourself enough. I am in my 50s too and don't have a family, I don't have a lot of friends, and sometimes I also feel worthless. I have some health issues - physical and mental - but I believe a lot of it is linked to my upbringing and I try to be kind to myself. I am still learning to listen to my body and to be in good terms with it, it is hard work, but nobody else can do it for me, and if I cannot be my own friend, how can I let anybody else in? The world in which we live is an illusion, all based on pretense, lies, and fakearies. Success is not to do with how much money we have, or how many friends, how many great things we've achieved in the eyes of others; in my view success is accepting oneself and being able to recognise the good as well as the not so good; success is doing one's best within one's means and capabilities, and acknowledging that nobody is perfect and it's okay; success is not comparing yourself to others. Whatever fun is to others maybe different for you and you don't have to always have fun to be valuable. The way you describe yourself, your lack of social skills, your difficulties having fun and fitting in, makes me wonder if you might have autism - I hope you don't mind me asking but have you ever been told you are on the autistic spectrum?

[Sylvain- in reply to meromano]

Thanks for your reply, Meromano. It never happened before, and you are the second person today to compliment my writing. It is amusing since foreign languages were the only courses I was below the average at school—and I mostly learned English by myself as an adult by reading books. I am always afraid Native English speakers would not understand what I am saying.

Answering your question, I was diagnosed with Asperger syndrome only a few years ago. It was after burnout that worsened the symptoms of a life-long depression. It shed some light on the difficulties I have encountered since childhood. Medication and psychotherapies mitigate some of my problems, but remission is only a short relief before the next down phase.

Autism or other developmental disorders were not things considered by the average parents when I was a child. I was just seen as a hypersensitive, highly emotional, and shy boy. I was also an intellectually precocious and "gifted" child. But these were not necessarily good things at that time. My parents wanted a child as normal as possible. And they always refused the doctor and school's suggestions to meet a counselor because, according to their wording, it was "for the mad people." So I followed a normal scholarship. And most of my memories from childhood are about me crying or being bullied by the other kids.

To come back to your message, you made another point: I often said I was punishing myself because I do not deserve the right to live. Therapy never explained what exactly was behind that. For me, I deny myself the right to be part of this world because I had the skills and capacities for a fulfilling life, and I screwed everything to achieve the exact opposite.

Meromano, I understand your various pieces of advice. I often heard similar things in the last few years. Despite my efforts, doing many exercises, and trying many different strategies, I never managed to treat myself with benevolence and kindness. Ironically, every time I fail at that, it reinforces the feeling I fail at everything I try.

[meromano in reply to Sylvain-]

We all have our struggles, Sylvain, and on the really bad days it's hard to focus on the good. We just have to ride those bad days as best we can while waiting for the better ones. I hope you're feeling a bit better than when you wrote your post. Whatever I might say you have probably heard many times already but remember that delicious cake can still come out of a wonky mould. 😀

[Sylvain- in reply to meromano]

Thanks for following up on that discussion. Things have been so-so since my previous message. I had to rely on high doses of benzodiazepines to fight generalized anxiety. It is not necessarily an indication, but in my case, it is also the most effective solution against acute depression crisis—probably because it keeps me in a half-awaken half-asleep state all day long. It doesn't help in "focusing on the good," as you suggested, but at least it helps to forget my darkest thoughts.

[Thankfulforhelp22]

You don’t have to apologize for your feelings. One thing I have discovered here is that lots of folks experience things I thought were unique to me. Anxiety and depression can really make socializing an ordeal. However , being an introvert is not a sin. Some people are and some aren’t.

Some of the situations you cited sounded so familiar.

I wish I had some great advice or inspirational words. I’ll just say I hope and pray things get better for you .

[Sylvain- in reply to Thankfulforhelp22]

Thanks for your prayers. I seriously need them.

When depression strikes hard, I can no longer rationalize my thoughts. I think everybody else is going better in every area of their life. On the other hand, I know many people objectively suffer more than me and for more serious reasons. That makes me feel even more ashamed and guilty for not being able to overcome my difficulties.

Being an introvert is not a sin, you said. But I often see it as a punishment. It is like seeing people having fun and enjoying their life but not being allowed to join them. It is like seeing the outside world through the bars of a prison I build myself. What did we do wrong to deserve such treatment? How can we accept a third-class life like this one? How are we expected to be strong enough for not to die of jealousy and envy when we see all the things we miss?

[faucet]

I can relate, you are far from alone.