I don’t have an identity

[HunterBlue]

I have been a stay at home mom for almost 6 years. I have been with my partner for 10 years and between the two of them I feel like I have lost myself. I feel as if I don’t know how to be when I am not having to do things for them. My partner is wonderful and supportive and he does not need me to do everything for him but that is just the kind of person I am, and I don’t know how to unlearn that. I don’t know how to get myself back to me. It’s gotten to the point that when I am not with them I don’t know how to be, and I am constantly thinking that I need to be back where they are. I need to establish my independence again and I just don’t know how to do that. If I am left to do nothing I spiral and I feel I am so worried about taking care of them that I don’t take care of myself. I apologize if this post is all over the place, but my mind feels chaotic and I just don’t know where to start.

[Agora1]

Hi HunterBlue, You fall into the pattern of many moms/dads in this world

who are the parental caregivers for their children. Actually, you do have an

identity and a very important one. I understand that we can tend to lose

ourselves by filling that role in taking care of others, that we forget we need

care as well.

You can be both HunterBlue and still be self fulfilled. Being on this forum and

talking with others who feel the same way is a start. You start out slowly

in pursuing what you would like to do with your life. Giving some responsibility

to the children is a good thing while it gives you a small break from your mommy/daddy

duties. It's healthy for all around.

I call it my "me time". We are so use to giving that we forget to include ourselves in

that process. Let me Welcome you to a caring community where you will not feel so

alone and maybe get the answers you are looking for. xx

[Crochetchica]

Your post makes so much sense. What were your interests before you became a wife and mum?

[HunterBlue in reply to Crochetchica]

I feel like I don’t even know. I have things I like, music, yoga, etc. Even though I enjoy those things I feel like I am still not a complete person and I am just going through the same motions everyday. I just wish I could feel fulfillment in myself and not constantly feel like I am just here to be a mom and romantic partner.

[SayNOtoPanic]

You’re not all over the place. You said it precise and eloquent. Appreciate you! And this is normal and happens as parents and partners. But more so with stay at home parenting. I sometimes question if it causes anxiety to increase. Don’t be hard on yourself. Just do little things here and there for yourself at the pace you are comfortable. If that’s a thirty min errand then do just that and increase as u can. Any exercise or meditation or hobbies you like? Maybe you can do some of that but in your own space at home. Hugs.

[Isinatra]

My independence was always important to me. I married at 27 and my husband didn’t care if I worked or not. No children. It was ok at first…new home, new location, etc., but I was losing my self worth and independence and bored. So I started taking classes. Travel agency, Stained glass , basic computer programming. I started feeling better because of them (they opened doors for me) and started working again. Take small steps. You’ll see that you can spend a little time away from home and your family will be ok. Make that transition at your own speed. 🍀

[car103]

Stay at Home Mom. I didn't pay attention that my kids were growing/grown up. No real skills or an interest - hobby to use as a catalyst to something else (more education or a job).

The lack of that sense of accomplishment and the feeling of not helping someone left me questioning my identity. Displaced.

I was lucky a friend owns a children's shoe store. I go in 3hrs/day and it helps with the aforementioned issues. And perhaps it will springboard me into something I really want to do

I'm saying it isn't critical to find the "right" answer. Perhaps find the right answer for now.

[HunterBlue in reply to car103]

Appreciate you so much. What you said really resonates because I feel I too don’t have any real hobbies or interests to use to catapult me into something. I have recently thought about finding some part time work-something to help establish my independence outside the home.

[HunterBlue]

I honestly had not thought much about getting up earlier in the morning but if I could get myself to do it, I’m usually an early riser anyway, I think that could really be a great way to start my day. Even just an hour, like you said would be beneficial. Figure out my day and not feel like I have to automatically be in mom mode as soon as I wake up. I don’t typically go to bed real late so that honestly could be the thing I need to get me started on my journey. Thank you so much.

[designguy]

I don't know if this fits what you are describing but you might do some research about codependency and see if it's relevant to you. You might also take some time to remember and review what messages and beliefs you were taught and embraced about yourself and being independent/parenting, etc... and decide whether they still fit you or not. Knowing what messages and stories, consciously and unconsciously, you are telling yourself will help your self understanding and enable you to make the changes you desire.

[HunterBlue in reply to designguy]

You are not exactly far off the mark when you talk about codependency. That is something I unfortunately have dealt with in my most serious relationships, with this one being included. I have read and looked up how to break that cycle and there are many helpful resources. However, it is difficult having to assess your own behaviors and realize that you have fallen into a cycle of codependency. But, in my opinion the hardest part is realizing that. Now, I’m on my journey to beak the cycle. Thank you for your words and suggestions.

[designguy in reply to HunterBlue]

You're welcome and right that gaining the awareness and being able to be honest and admit to ourselves what is really going on is a major part of breaking the cycle and healing so be kind to yourself and keep moving forward.