I sit here, it is what I have to do. I read. Books, articles, whatever keeps me distracted. I am continually distracted from my distractions... I'm thirsty, need a snack, maybe music will help me focus. Wasn't I prescribed medicine to lift me from the darkness, aid my focus and motivation, allow me to deal with people? I am, less than before, and my condition gets worse but my doctor wants to see what I am like without medication. I am the subject of an experiment. Frozen in the stillness of my little aluminum sided cocoon while the trucks roar down the highway, and the whole world spins so fast, not around me, without me.
The most depressing thing is remembering feeling whole, with purpose. That decade and a half of constant improvement, from junkie to the authority in a successful business. The drive I had to grow my family's business, and create a better life for my child. That little business by the creek is all I wanted, and my parent's sold it all to a couple shit-bags, and feel no need to apologize for doing what they wanted to do, no matter how badly it crushed me.
I split with my kid's mom, struggled, worked hard, and broke my neck trying to make ends meet, lost my savings, my mind. Every move takes too much energy. Why would I want to be around people? If they aren't a bore, or annoying, they are probably trying to take advantage of or scam me in some way. So many people who offer help never follow through, or I do not qualify for the programs offered. Social services is a joke. Bureaucracy is a roadblock to progress and sensibility. I love capitalism, but the greed is eroding society to an inevitable collapse. People are too lethargic from fast food and reality TV to do anything about it.
I have just given up all hope in the ability to turn things around, I would have better luck stopping a locomotive.
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CocoaBlanco
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Lord, I try. I pray, meditate, breathe, exude positivity. I open my eyes and I am still severely underemployed, facing foreclosure, in severe physical pain, my ex hates me, I just come off pathetic to any woman I approach. Things are bad when a hooker says no.
VERY well written. You have talent there. I recognize many of the feelings you describe so well. Perplexing how you can write about something so horrible so beautifully. I so wish I could help you. There are so many wrong, unfair and downright evil people out there. I just had a discussion about this with my therapist. She was trying to remind me there are still.good people in the world and people have made it through horrible times before, like WWII. What i think helps me is remembering how much stronger and capable and positive I feel when the depression and anxiety clear enough to see the world clearly. The problems are still there but I feel stronger and better able to live with them. I chose.that to be reality and the dark, miserable view to be distorted by illness. Meditation for me is like a 30 minute break or distraction from the miserable feelings. I get 30 minutes to myself to temporarily escape I try to remember that if I could feel OK for that 30 minutes, there is hope that I can feel better. I cant make the worlds problems go away. I cant even make 1 persons problems go away. I can only share what seems to help me deal with life.
Thank you so much. Writing has been my release since I can remember. Wielding words with wile and wit is about as satisfying as having a 5#!+. I hope one day word play will pay my bills and cure my ills with turns of phrase that give me chills. My philosophies could reshape democracies if I were taken as seriously as Socrates. Too bad neuroses and psychosis seem to offend like halitosis.
I was in similar cumstances in 2014. I got help from non profit groups . I had bacterial meningitis of my brain. Had excessive medical costs from treatment doctors visits etc. Filed chap 13 in 2/19. My last payment is 1/24. A consequence of the craniotomy done to remove abcess was seizure risk. I have been seizure free this entire time. My seizure prophylaxis med dose is being lowered under medical supervision..The world is in a terrible place. Corruption is rampent. I am determined to not let this horrible system contribute to my downfall again. I am married but I have strong boundaries..I do.not interact with others outside my husband. I do meditstion. Yoga and tai chi. Not sure how to help you or what advice is helpful. I am sorry this has occured in your life.
Don't give up hope. I just found a new doctor a few months ago that gave me a long list of alternative treatments for depression that I didn't know about. I thought I had tried everything. There's always hope.
Thanks for your kind words everyone. Yes, every day is a struggle to find peace, but every day has it's successes, and I try to focus on that. The paper I wrote about SUD recovery for my Human Services class was a great release to finish today, a good tear for a change.
Yep capitalism is dying and its killed everything with it that was innocent or real plus it has ruined normal people by sedating them to their own selves
I wonder what can yu do just be with yourself as you r in this state and watch yourself well what can I say I know not n- do not let others steal from your trajectory or path
Your writing is so eloquent!! If you write a book I will buy it. Don't give up on that. It can be very healing to get things out on paper. I started a book a LONG time ago. Had notes written down of things I remember... I can't get past chapter 1. It's supposed to be my life story but my 1st memory, chapter 1 about my 1st memory of my life, is shocking to read. It just shocks me that parents could do that to a 2 year old. Its like I'm reading about some little girl I want to go back and save. It stopped me in my tracks. Also, I'm 65 and recently diagnosed with ADHD which explains so much concerning my life. My book is supposed to end with my victory of overcoming all the obstacles...but I still haven't done that. I sit here with PTSD, OCD, depression and anxiety, and I spend every day wishing I wasn't here anymore. But yet I hang on. Waiting...not sure for what. Sending you my thoughts and prayers and hoping I'm sending you some strength also. Only the best. Keep hanging in there.
Thank you so much! Horses are beautiful, but they scare me anyway. The ADD thing does make it very difficult to make it past a short story, lol. I think you are waiting to believe in yourself, and for someone to believe in you. I don't know what your support network is like, but there are people who want to help you. You are a beautiful and precious individual, you have a future unwritten, you have a girl inside of you that has the strength to overcome, the ability to surprise you. When I feel myself wishing I wasn't here, I go somewhere else. Go hug a tree, your mother loves you and wants you to enjoy her bounty until you return to her womb. When I die, I would like to be buried in a burlap sack, an apple tree planted on top, and a beautiful sign saying "Eat Me."
Don't wait for your perfect self imperfections r what is wamted oor world is not allowing the real I space imagine the wrong world that can never give you the right stuff n imperfect you fill of sin sin where is God to redeem in the tiny gaps
It's true what can we do nothing, circumstances are so difficult for everyone and increasingly so energy exhaustion and viruses I get from ME. When I work it's mentally emotionally exhausting otherwise bored alone no pleasure no thing that this world promised no way we can change it but nothing will work like the guy says easier to stop a locomotive than improve our days , still not your fault, and if we were not so dirty and we understood the cause of our rage and sin as hate is us and all evil of the world us within each one still we can operate peacefully sensibly etc mad world just respect and days are over
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I never feel like I fit in with my friends. 
The terrible in between 
On the outside RANT
Tips on how to prevent imaginary arguments with real abusers from the past, please!
So when we work hard think of the bees 🐝 
