I need advice

[Dusty1234]

Hi,

I have a dilemma and I'm not sure what to do. First, I am feeling very guilty because I haven't visited my uncle in his nursing home since September. He has Parkinson's and some memory loss. I used to go a lot especially before Covid. He's a widow and has two sons. One lives far away and the one here isn't good at communicating with anyone.

The excuse I give myself is two fold. One is that he's really hard to talk to. We both have hearing loss and the disease has effected his speech. He also rarely stays on a topic more than a few minutes. The second is the real reason. I am a sexual abuse survivor. On two occasions he has done inappropriate things. He's never touched me, it's more innuendo. I kind of let the first one go hoping it was in my mind and he was just joking around. But, the second time it was blatant and it really triggered me. I have read that it is part of the disease, but it's still hard. I decided to only go if someone came with me. It's very difficult to get two people in a family to be available at the same time. The sister I usually go with has moved to Florida. I hate the guilt, but my anxiety gets so high thinking about visiting him. I can always find an excuse not to go. I tried calling him a couple of times, but it's just too hard.

Do you think I'm being selfish? The last time I went with my sister was hard because he had the tv so loud that I could barely hear him and he kept watching it whenever he couldn't think of something to say. I did get him to laugh a couple of times talking about old memories. I don't know what to do, but this isn't working for me that's for sure.

[Blueruth]

guilty about not visiting? No you shouldn’t feel guilty.I feel like it would be better to say goodbye quietly, however far away that is and do a little self love. You choose friends not family.

[LifeIsThePitts]

I have to agree with blueruth...you have no reason to feel guilty for being victimized by anyone whether it's a "symptom" of parkinson's or not. If a stranger on the street did/said what your uncle did, would you excuse them for disrespecting your personal space or worth? Family members often get free passes to abuse us because they're "FAMILY"... Well I don't buy into that kind of nonsense. My husband was abused by his immediate family and has been estranged from them for 6 yrs now. Best decision ever!!

[Midori]

Don't feel guilty. It would appear that he has lost the inhibition factor which would tell him his behaviour is inappropriate.

It's possible he no longer recognises you as a relative, too. It's sad when this happens to loved ones, but I think for your own safety you would be better to stay away.

Can you have words with the staff and ask that you only see him in a public area? That might be better than in his room.

Cheers, Midori