I feel angry at myself because i feel like i should like everyone the same much. But some people i just dont connect with but i still feel like i need to like them. I feel angry at myself when the people im not close to feel upset and dissapointed that i dont like them. I dont think there is anything wrong with them and I would like to have more friends but i have severe social anxiety and i feel anxious with some people, esspecially people that get upset with me when i dont like them. Lots of times i feel tension in my relationships because i feel like i need to like them more and i put a lot of pressure on myself. They also feel the tension.
Also i feel bad because i feel like i need to like my friends' little kids and show them love but i dont feel it and i feel mad at myself for it. I feel like kids will feel bad if i dont show them love so i force myself to show them love which causes a lot of tension and the kids dont feel good about it. But i feel like i cant ignore them esspecially when my other friends show them love. I worry they will feel bad if i dont show them love.
Anyone else have a similar issue? How did you fix it? I would appreciate any support or advice!
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Rose23456
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HelloI'm somewhat similar, depends on the ages of the kids. Like little little kids I find ya don't really need to show a whole lot to, had a 2 and 4 year old here yesterday and they'd be going round the house and everybody else is pretty good with them lol they'd come to me saying something or the little one would just wave so I just do same thing lol little little kids I don't think expect a whole lot .
You don't need to like everybody the same like you said you connect with some people and not or not as much with others, I think as long as you are kind and idk you probably are but that's really all you gotta do. You shouldn't feel bad for not liking everybody. There is nobody on the planet who really likes everybody lol if they do they are most likely not real. Sure you can be kind to everybody even if you don't like them or whatever.
Like me I pretty much have 0 Friends besides some online people lol but I also don't really connect to people I meet probably due to my severe social anxiety. Or just how my brain works, or that could be one in the same idk. But I'm nice to everybody . Or I will try to be. And I think that's good enough .
Just going from the posts or comments I have seen from you, you seem like a person who is genuinely nice. All you gotta do is be kind to people, don't need to over do it like if you have no connection or anything but just being nice in my opinion is good enough. If somehow people get upset then that's their problem and shouldn't make you feel bad. Cause if someone you don't like (I assume you don't hate either lol) but just have no connection with gets upset with you cause they want more, well that can't be forced or it's just not real. Idk if any of this is helpful but Im just sayin , it's pretty much impossible to like everybody, or like everybody the same amount. Nobody on the planet can do that . And you shouldn't feel bad over it.
Thank you. I appreciate that. What do i do if because of the tension i feel with someone because of all the pressure i put on myself its hard to sound kind when i talk to her. Sometimes when i talk to her i feel like there is passive aggressiveness and my compliments sound sarcastic. I dont mean it that way and i dont want her to be hurt so i try to avoid her but i cant really avoid her. I dont know why there is so much passive aggressiveness between us. We qre both nice people. Maybe its vmbecause ww both want to be friends but dont know that and we feel like the other person doesnt like us so we dont like each other? Or maybe our passive aggressiveness hurts each other? Like when we talk to each other we dont sound like regular friends even though we dont say our feelings to each other. Any ideas on this?
If you do want to be her friend and do like her but feel the tension and whatnot, you could always talk to her about it. Or If you are able to take the pressure off yourself and everything it could start turning better. Maybe everything you are feeling about this particular thing is because of the anxiety and maybe they don't hear your compliments sounding sarcastic, know what I mean? Due to my own anxiety issues I'd think the stuff I said to somebody even tho I was being nice and stuff sounded bad or whatever and then I felt bad but then turned out they didn't think the same at all and it was just my brain thinking that.
Thanks. What do i do if im not sure if i want to be her friend or not because i have social anxiety with her. If i didnt have social anxiety with her then i would want to be her friend but im not sure if my anxiety will go away with her. Also how do i talk to her about the tension and passive aggressiveness? I think shes passive aggressive with me because she is hurt that im not friendly with her as with my other friends in the group.
Its perfectly normal not to like everyone we are only human. Dont even try to, you either like a person or you dont, you cant force it. There are many people i dont like and that includes my brother but i dont sweat about it. You are causing yourself so much stress by trying to like who you dont connect with. As for children just smile at them. You cant fake it children are very perceptive. They too have to learn they will not be liked by everyone, its part of growing up and navigating a tough world. Start by being yourself and liking yourself. If others are upset you dont like them, hard cheese, thats their issue not yours. You dont have to like everyone including children but always be kind and dont spend time with people who aggrevate you. Stop being angry with yourself for how you feel, its normal to feel as you do. If i beat myself up for all the people i didnt like i'd be black & blue by now. Grow your confidence to be yourself. Some wise person said to me once. ' You dont have to like everyone but respect them anyway'. It was very helpful to me. I hope this helps to stop you being angry with yourself for trying to do the impossible.
You are an invaluable jewel for God and this is enough to make you feel like that person deserving of a partner and many blessings, when you feel this you are delaying the process, and it is not convenient, a hug.
Hi Rose, Thank you for sharing part of your story. It takes courage to share your fears about anger on a forum such as this. As a Christian I would like to respond to what you have said.
Anger is one of the most powerful emotions! It produces bad vibes when we aim our anger at others, but boy, when we aim it at ourselves it is the most evil and destructive emotion ever.
The sad fact is that when we allow ourselves to become angry, we are putting guilt onto ourselves also. Self anger, self guilt, leads to self loathing, which is what you are putting on to yourself.
Anger used wisely can be helpful, it can help release tensions that have built up over years of stress and anxiety. It is therefore vital we find our own method - one that is helpful to us - one that will not bring on panic attacks (experience of which I have bucket loads) for release. Guilt is not helpful at all, and is also not necessary.
In what you have described I can relate to parts of your story, the old adage, been there, done that, worn the T shirt! Suffered greatly (needlessly) as a result.
There is nothing to say we must 'like each other', never has been, never will be! We all meet many people in our life times, we are all unique persons. We all have different opinions about many things going on in the world. We will not always share those opinions. We may hate what other people think, but they have the right to their opinions and to choose too. But we must reach a point of appreciating that others differ from us. We do have freedom of choice, to choose what is right for us. It would be ridiculous to like and get on with everyone.
There are some similarities we all share - the first, we are all born - either male or female, of a woman, though some via caesarian section, others natural vaginal method. We all die the same way, our hearts stop beating and our internal organs give up, be it through accident, disease, old age. This is the cycle of life. We begin to die the moment we are born.
It is what we do with our lives that makes the difference - I believe love is the key to the problem so many people like you and me, have held or do still hold. We must have love for others. This doesn't mean the gooey love, we hear about. It does mean a genuine concern for the feeling of others. We don't have to pretend to like, we can show love and care by our actions towards others. Caring, we learn by the example of others, and by our example to our fellow human beings. Don't deliberately set out to hurt people.
You say you feel tension when you can't like some people. You don't have to feel that tension - just be yourself! Care for others, pray for them - if that's part of your being - ask how they are, be polite, treat others as you would have others treat you.
You talk about friends children - I always say children rather than kids, which are baby goats! You don't need to be over the top with children - they are really very intelligent and always know when a person is not genuine - they accept you far more readily than you realise. You don't have to force yourself in any way, just be yourself. Be polite, enquire how they are doing at school, take an interest in their lives, be a friend, care.
It could very well be that you don't have so many friends because you put on a false air about yourself. Be natural. If other people don't like you - tough! That is their problem, not yours. It is ultimately 'their loss!'
There is only one person who can stop this cycle of liking/being liked, that is you. Please keep in touch on here, let us know how you are doing. Be the person you are meant to be!
I don't think there's anything wrong with not liking certain type of people. You should respect everyone, that's for sure but you don't need to force yourself to like everyone. That's humanly not possible because compatibility is very real and important. I don't have a lot of friends tbh but the ones I have are one of the best people I have met in my entire life and I wouldn't trade them for the world but there are still somethings that I don't like about them. So what? Nobody needs to like all of me to respect me or show me love and in the same way i don't have to like everyone or everything about someone.
Friendships take time to develop. They are not obligatory.
Being polite is a first step and a necessary one if friendship is going to result. Have conversations with anyone who comes along and learn about them. Possibly in weeks or months as you catch-up with and update each other friendships will develop.
If conversations are difficult, try to set up going for a walk with them or working together on a project and having a conversation in that manner. Face-to-face interactions can be harder than shoulder-to-shoulder conversations.
Hi Rose, I grew up in an emotionally repressive household with a lot of shaming and punishing for showing normal anger or any signs of trying to stand up for myself. I was also bullied in school and consequently developed social anxiety. I felt like I was not good with kids and I also suffered with low-self-worth. I had no idea what was wrong with me until later on in life and started getting help. Social anxiety makes you believe things about yourself that aren't true and distorts your perception of how people perceive you. What helped me was realizing I had social anxiety and not GAD as i had been diagnosed. There wasn't a therapist that specialized in treating it near me so I did an online program from the socialanxietyinstitute.org which helped. I also got a dog that I adored and he helped me start to open my heart to being able to love and love myself. I also found I liked kids and was actually good with them. One of the contributors of social anxiety is low-self-worth and I realized that I needed to heal and improve mine and learn how to set healthy boundaries and have compassion for myself and realize i'm not going to like everyone and everyone isn't going to like me and that is ok. I suggest you find a therapist that specifically treats social anxiety if you can. There are also online programs and info on youtube about it as well as info about improving your self-worth.
I forgot to add that the anger you have can be anger, resentment and even rage at having social anxiety which is perfectly normal and know that none of this is your fault. You adopted social anxiety for survival and now it's no longer serving you. Working on anger in therapy will help you release it.
I learned this in therapy: put a pillow on the floor or chair and mentally focus on who you are angry with and try to feel the anger as much as you can and then beat the crap out of the pillow and focus on them as the pillow and scream and vent the anger and pain and vent it as you are pounding. I even did the same thing but used a plastic baseball bat to beat the pillow with. If you are concerned about making noise and someone hearing you do the same thing but scream/emote right into the pillow and kind of wrap it around you face. I also did the same thing outside but used a sledge hammer and beat the crap out of rocks. The key thing is to mentally focus on who or what you are angry at ,visualize them as what you are pounding on and at the same time be in touch emotionally with all the anger and vent it, it feels great. i do it until i'm emotionally exhausted. You can probably find videos on youtube about this. Another thing i've found helpful is using a note pad, getting in touch with the anger and just writing the anger out on paper, let it flow, don't worry about what it looks like or spelling or anything and just vent all the emotions and rage of it. You can keep it or throw it away. Let me know if any other questions, happy new year to you.
Thanks just wondering did punching the pillow make you feel more angrier after towards the person? I heard that some studies show when a person acts out their aggression sometimes they feel more angry afterwards
That didn't happen to me. For me, the real purpose was to vent and release the anger/emotions in my body for me so I could begin to heal. The problem I had and a lot of people with social anxiety have is that the anger is inner directed at ourselves, instead of outer directed, and the inner is what really needs to heal. You may also need to do it a number of times over a span of time. I found that doing this actually helped in my forgiving them instead of continuing to be angry at them. To me forgiveness doesn't mean they aren't guilty of something bad but that I forgive them for my sake to let it go. You may be angrier at them for a while but the more venting/releasing you do it will dissipate. Hope this helps.
Hi Rose, I read your post as well as all the great replies you got, all of which I agree with. So, I will keep this short and sweet. Whoever you like, or don’t like, is kind of like a part of your very own unique DNA-type of thing. This is just how it is. Don’t force it and trust your gut. The quality of your relationships is far more important than worrying about the quantity. Like who you like, don’t worry about who you don’t like, If a relationship is too much work, it’s not meant to be. Best wishes always🙏
Who you like and don’t in life is completely up to you. However, if you let these particular people stay in your life, you’re only creating a chaotic situation that isn’t helping anyone, especially you since you have social anxiety.
Just be yourself. Let the people who accept you for who you are stay in your life. Maybe have conversations with these people you are having issues with and see where things stand. Hope you have a safe and wonderful new year!
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