Hi, ongoing issue, looking for advice x

[KR2022]

Hi all, I married into a family where I have never been accepted (nothing new, my family don't accept me either). My husband is 13 years older than me and has two children from previous relationships, aged 19 and 14 respectively . He had a vasectomy 13 years ago, and a reversal that didn't work 3 years ago. The only way to fit into his side of the family is to literally breed. Every year on Boxing Day I get asked "is there anything you want to tell us?" Meaning, am I pregnant yet, which upsets me because they know how badly I want to be a mummy.

My SIL has hated me from day one, refused to acknowledge my existence despite me trying hard to be friends. It's getting worse as the years go on - today for example she wanted family photos but I was excluded, she handed out Xmas gifts and I was excluded, she had her daughter's birthday party on my actual birthday and wouldn't let anyone else tell me happy birthday or even mention my name... She refers to me as The Pain, she doesn't look at me , won't talk to me and won't let me play or talk to my two year old niece. I have done nothing to deserve this treatment but no one else seems to see anything wrong with it. Her mother tries to pretend it's all in my head but I know it's not.

I've reached a point mentally where I try to not let it affect me, but my heart glows when my niece wants to play with me, she snuck away from her mum earlier to play with me.... SIL took her away as if she thought I was poisonous and that hurt so so bad.... But again I've been told it's in my head, but I know what I saw. Am I being silly, taking things to heart? I used to have a similar relationship with my husbands daughter, she used to ignore her blood relatives and run into my arms until one day her mother witnessed it (her mother always treated me the same way as SIL).... After that I wasn't allowed to see her apart from Boxing Day. Sorry for the long post x

[LifeIsThePitts]

O my God...your sil and others are the definition of gaslighting, emotionally abusive, psychopaths! I can't believe you're not completely crazy from all the disfunctional family dynamics in your life, including your own undisclosed family trauma. You are one tough son-of-a-bitch, lady!!

You are not responsible for anything here. Your ability to love is truly beyond measure. Those kids are the ones getting the short end of the stick as far as being raised to be well rounded, open minded and thoughtful adults. It sucks to see what their future outlook on life will be due to abusive and emotionally neglectful parenting.

Can sperm be harvested from guys like eggs from women? I don't have kids and know nothing about fertility issues. Does your husband support you against his family's outrageously destructive behavior? Can he see that it's purposely meant to be hurtful? Do they treat him like they treat you for getting a vasectomy that has caused your inability to GET pregnant in the first place????!!🤯

You're not crazy and don't let them make you doubt yourself cuz these people's actions are heinous.

My husband is completely estranged from his entire family, 6 years in Feb. So I have good experience with conflict and abusive family dynamics. I come from childhood trauma, too. This is not going to stop. You would be better off removing yourself from their presence. You love your husband. Your vows are to him, not his family. Find a way to politely excuse youself from their presence or interrupt & confront their indiscretion while they're doing it the next time and ask for them to explain to you what their reasons are for being rude? Sometimes asking a direct question will put them on the spot and force them to be honest in the moment.

[KR2022 in reply to LifeIsThePitts]

Thank you for reply, it honestly made me feel better x

No one talks to J about our family *issues* because they seem to think that because he already has two kids of his own, why would he want more? The *problem* to their eyes is that I want little ones of my own, so it's my own fault my heart is sore, not his. J blames himself and has said he would love kids with me, but we have a history from when he was an alcoholic that, unfortunately, had the police involved a few times - can't adopt, can't foster, can't go for IVF because he has two kids already which forfeits my two goes and I can't afford to go privately. I've had 6 phantom pregnancies since 2017 and J's mothers' only reply was that I was making it up, since I wasn't a dog how could I possibly be going through it yada yada yada. She's a backstabber, and her daughter no better. J doesn't get on with his family any more than I get on with mine, but despite our history we love each other. He still struggles with alcohol today from time to time but I told him quite bluntly when we separated for a few weeks (which was stupidly hard but showed we were still willing to fight for each other, so hey ho lol) that if he ever touched me in anger again there would be divorce papers in his lap the next morning.... he's done extremely well ever since.

I often feel crazy and second guess myself a lot - I grew up in a family where I was told from the age of 5 that I wasn't wanted, loved or needed ect, my mother the queen of head games... I'm no good at them and so grew up to be both quite honest and rather blunt - if you want to know something, ask, you know? If you have a problem with me, tell me so I can fix or or help, I can't read minds and I refuse to apologise if I don't understand what I've done wrong to start with.

We both avoid our respective families as much as possible and have found our mental health and relationship have become stronger as a result - I'm his carer as well as his wife, and I have a full-time job ect, so it's busy. But he gets me in a way no one else ever has, and I'm the only person who can break through his anger issues and self-hatred to make him see what I see, and what other people don't want to see... J and I both prefer to be in our own (together) company, and no one really wants to both with us so it's not hard to get out of any invitations (no one wanted to come to our wedding, which was heart-breaking but amazing at the same time lol).

Sorry for blabbing, hope the background helps xxx

[LifeIsThePitts in reply to KR2022]

You & J sound exactly like me & my hubby. It's always been us against the world. Married 23 yrs on Jan 31st, together for almost 27 yrs. We both have substance abuse together in our past and childhood trauma. So I GET what you're saying about the alcoholism. We both spent 99% of our time together... we're 5 states away from all family. That makes it very easy to stay distanced from the drama. We're shamelessly codependent and try to beat the odds of life together. We balance out each other and without him, I'd be lost. He's my anchor and rock.

[rachelleigh in reply to LifeIsThePitts]

I like a lot of this advice - though the 'direct questioning' approach would terrify me....

KR2022 - I hope you're feeling a little better about all this now a couple of weeks have passed... urgh... families... 🙄