Any parents of an addict?

[Dandytat]

my 18 year old son is using drugs and selling them. He is t talking to me and I haven’t seen him since September 2022. I also have a 2 year old son, so to keep the little one safe, I kicked the 18 year old out of the house. The holidays are among us and my anxiety is at an all time high because of all this.

[AnonymousUsername13]

I was an 18 y/o selling & doing drugs (until i was 24 ish, 44 now), but don't have any kids,, sorry. I can't believe i put my loved ones through that, but at the time, the drugs alter my perception, so i didn't see things as they were. I was getting popular, which i never was in school, the drugs masked my anxiety & depression, so i thought i had found my way. I'm not sure anything anyone said back then would have made a difference. I was making A's in college, finally getting girls, just everything was perfect. Fast forward, i started having weird medical problems (i think from all the MDMA i did), & my best friend OD'd (when i was 23). That's what finally snapped me out if it. It could have been me, we did all the exact same drugs those past few nights. Actually, i did more, but i lived. Sadly, I'm not, sure there's anything that can change his mind besides his own experiences, at least that was the case for me. Just love him & show u are there for him in the hardest times. U can absolutely make it known u dislike his actions, but i felt i was unloved & on my own, because of those harsh emotions from my loved ones, which made me think i had to keep pushing & succeed in making enough money to last a lifetime. Hopefully my situation can offer some insight into your son's mindset. Pray for him, that's my most heartfelt suggestion.

[Dandytat in reply to AnonymousUsername13]

Thank you so much for your insight!!! You give me hope!! I will continue to pray for him and anyone who will, please say a prayer for him as well. I blame myself a lot of the time, thinking how could I have been a better mom to him and if it was something that I did to make him turn to drugs. I worry ALOT that he will get a hold to something laced with something worse and he won’t have a chance to get out of his situation.

[AnonymousUsername13 in reply to Dandytat]

Edit: this ended up being a LONG stream of consciousness type post, so u may need a while to read it all. Sorry it's not separated better, so it may be hard to read as a wall of text.

I understand. The fentanyl crisis does make it much more dangerous U may buy or recommend the fentanyl test strips for him, if there's no talking him out of that lifestyle, so at least he can be sure whatever he uses isn't laced w fentanyl. That will kill anyone who doesn't know they're taking it. My mom feels the same, tho, always thinking she could have done something different, but i was so cunning & would always avoid her trying to ground me, etc when i was younger. I never knew my dad, nor did I have a father figure, so there's no doubt that could have had an impact. I don't have anything to compare it with, so i tell her it made no difference, but that's impossible to know (because what if she married someone just so I'd have a father, & they were abusive, or something. There's just no way to speculate about "what could have been" because there's too many unknowns). These days, my mom & i are very close. I try to be respectful of everyone, & help others as much as possible,,so i think she did a great job, but there's not much that can help against those "what if," thoughts, so i try to tell her to avoid that & focus on what did happen, & the choices she made in all those circumstances. She always made the best decisions available to her, & i see that. Sometimes the options weren't ideal, as we grew up mostly poor, as did she, but we both have faith in God as adults, & do our best to help others, & give advice to people to help them avoid the bad situations that we were sometimes faced with. So, I can't really have asked for anything else, & i think she did great. None of us get to choose what family we're born into, we just have to do the best with what we're given. Hopefully, ur son will understand all of your decisions one day. I think each person has to see for themselves how bad something is, regardless of how many people tell them it's bad (life of drugs, using or selling, for instance). I didn't believe anything anyone told me about that, for example, because i saw the same ppl who told me it was bad,were smoking weed themselves, which meant they were buying it from somewhere, making a drug dealer necessary. It just seemed like it was all stuff they were "supposed" to tell me, not what the truth was. So, i had to find out for myself. They were all right, & i was wrong, & it's not the life i wanted. If i had listened, i could be at a very, different place in my life now, but i didn't, & i have to accept responsibility for my own actions. I would explain to him something like that, if u ever get to have a conversation with him. Tell him he will come to regret it one day, & u will be there for him when he does, whether it's today or far into the future.

And if there's anything he can interpret as hypocrisy, explain that u are telling him the right way because u have seen what then wrong way does to people, not necessarily because u were able to stick to the right way urself. When ppl in my life told me what was right, i always interpreted it as hypocrisy since they were telling me what was considered good & bad, but why weren't they following it themselves if it was "the right way"? I would have accepted it more if they told me people are fallible, & they can't necessarily follow the right way themselves, but because they know the hardships associated with it, that they want me to avoid those. Instead, they hid it from me. Although, I can't honestly say that would have made a difference in my actions. I still probably had to find out for myself. I can't say what would work better, tough love, or unconditional love, in this circumstance, but i think letting him know that u are there for him if the walls ever do come crashing down around him will account for something in his mind. It made the difference for me when i had that decision come before me, to decide to give up everything i had gained, all my contacts, my standing in that setting, etc, & give up that lifestyle finally with my close family behind me,, but i can see myself sticking to my old ways of i wasn't certain that i would have support after i quit. Because u start thinking all of the people in that lifestyle support u, but they really only support u when u have something to offer them. Not a single person that i knew when i lived that lifestyle ended up being a true friend, i don't talk to any of them after i changed my life. That's something u may be able to plant a seed of, as well, that the people around him will only be there when they have something to gain (for the long run, i mean, cuz some may stick around during a bad time, if they know there's something they could gain down the road). Sorry, I'm rambling now, but i just thought I'd share my thoughts, since not many responded here, & maybe it could offer insight into how he may,see the world, too. Best of luck. Take care.

[Dandytat in reply to AnonymousUsername13]

That was unbelievably well said! Thank you so much! I truly appreciate you responding to my post…it started to make me feel so alone in the world or like I’m an outcast that no one can relate to.