Afraid of Getting Better

[alat]

So, the other day, the traffic was insane, a trip that usually takes me 10 minutes took 78 minutes, literally, that about 700% more time than usual. There were 8 accidents, too. I started to develop a sense of panic, but I tried not to make it get over me and I started played songs that I used to listen to 5-8 years ago when my anxieties were not as aggressive as they are now. Then I arrived home and I was feeling sleepy (being exposed to anxiety triggers usually gives me this feeling) only to hear the neighbors' kids screaming their lungs off, which meant sleeping was no longer an option and the panic started creeping in again, but I ignored it. I just used the bathroom and instead of doing everything quickly like I always do when they are screaming or even when they are not screaming, just so that I don't hear them if they did, I took my time. I refused to think about it and about the traffic the whole day, then when I was cooking, my food fell on the floor, and it was as if Fate was trying to force me into panicking, so I didn't give my brain a chance to think about all the dirt, and I immediately thought about how I clean my floors thoroughly, so another thought came to mind: "Then that food fell on all those chemicals and disinfectants you use! CANCER ALERT IF YOU EAT!" But I immediately blocked out all the thoughts and started eating.

I didn't think about the traffic or accidents, not about the neighbors' kids screaming, not about the germs or chemicals on the floor. It felt good, I felt stronger, but I also felt afraid, because with all this "success" comes the responsibility of maintaining it, like an actor after a great role, always under the responsibility to outdo themselves in their next role. What if it happens again but I can't control my anxiety? I don't know if I am even making any sense, but I feel like if I am disappointed in myself again, it'll be bad; really bad.

[Agora1]

Hi alat, The first thing we must do is get rid of those 2 words "what if?" That thought

can start the ball rolling in every direction and before long panic sets in.

I do agree that children screaming at all hours of the day and night can stimulate your

nervous system in not knowing how to hide from the noise. I understand your issue

with your ears in constantly using earplugs, after a while the ears get sensitive.

You could got out during those peak hours of the kids playing and yelling but then again

why should you have to change your lifestyle?

And so you are down to either accepting that kids will be kids or go over as you did

and try to reason with them. You've proved to yourself earlier in that day that you

could survive the traffic, the accidents, the food spill etc. Wanting some peace and

quiet after a hectic day is a given. Right now it looks like you have a handle on talking

yourself out of a panic when life happens. Now if you could just find a solution to

the loud noises at home, life would be perfect or would it? There will always be

something that could bring a panic on, the "key" is finding some tools in helping yourself

quiet down the adrenaline surge... Breathe xx

[alat in reply to Agora1]

Thank you for your comment!

I have found ways to block out the sound: white noise machines, but I have two main issues:

1-After a while, I get nauseous.

2-If I know they are screaming, even if I can't hear it, I still get really angry at them (especially when it is at a time they shouldn't be screaming at like 12 AM).

I just wish it stops. I am so tired of this feeling. Before I developed this misophonia I lived sort of a normal life with all my anxieties, there were moments when I can confidently say I was happy, but now I am just so unhappy. I am trying to bring back "glories of the past" but they all seem empty, shells of moments I used to live, if that makes sense.

Then I wonder: what is the point of it all. If I didn't have a job and some social obligations I'd just like to keep my white noise on all day and night and stay in bed and do nothing.

[Agora1 in reply to alat]

I'm sorry alat that there seems to be no peace in your life.

Is there a landlord involved that you can speak to or move to another

apt if it's a complex?? Working all day requires regenerating at night which

you aren't getting. This will continue to play on your nervous system as you

become sleep deprived. I wish I had the answers for you. xx

[alat in reply to Agora1]

First of all, I just want to tell you that I appreciate your comments A LOT, not many people display interest in my condition. I am sorry if I disappointed you with my last relapse.

Secondly, I own my house and they own theirs. In my country there are no HOAs and the police do not investigate sound disturbances by children playing. They consider it a normality, so there is no law about kids playing late or extremely early being illegal and frankly, it is a nation's mindset: if you bug your neighbor about noisy kids it isn't considered very neighborly. That's why, as I mentioned before, no other neighbors complain about how noisy their kids are. Many of them are not even bothered by the sound, they just don't consider it. Like the whoosh of the wind or the sound of a car passing by regardless the time.

I wish I could move, to a quiet place or a place that is completely soundproofed, but, at my age, having a house that is yours is something people yearn to have and I am blessed enough to have it. I have my house and I have 0 debt, so moving would just wreck my life, too. It's like running away from one evil to another.