New here - asking for advice

[Blue011]

I've been struggling with depression as long as I can remember (bad childhood). In past few years I also started struggling with anxiety that made me isolate myself even more. During my first decade of dealing with depression I really gave everything to improve myself - talking with professional, medication, reading about everything, from self-help books to how your mind works and why it has such impact to your mental health. Now I'm in my late 20-s (almost 30) and I still take medication that is monitored but I just feel like I gave up. First came the feeling of getting tired from this everyday battle just for it to come even stronger than before. Now... I don't even know what I feel, what to do... I don't even know who I am. And to find that out it takes energy and I have none. I don't have a specific question but if you have some advice or just thoughts on topic of not knowing who you are anymore while in this state of mind, I would appreciate it <3

[bookskeepmecompany]

Hello and welcome to the group. I’m fairly new here as well, but reading other people’s posts and replies have helped me quite a bit. Since starting college this year, my anxiety and depression have gotten worse. I’ve dealt with it since childhood and have been taking medication to help manage it all for about the same amount of time. I hope that you’re able to find some comfort in this site and have someone to talk to. Just keep going and take it one step at a time. I wish you well!

[Hidden in reply to bookskeepmecompany]

Welcome to you as well!

[Blue011 in reply to bookskeepmecompany]

Thank you and welcome to you too. College can be really stressful with all the pressure that comes with it so I understand you. Looking back at my experience I was the one that put hardest expectations on myself so don't be hard on yourself and try to make time for things that relax you. I know that is easier said than done, but remember that grades don't define you and even when you don't do as good as you wanted to, just keep in mind that you gave your best regarding the circumstances. I hope you experience good times too!

[Hidden]

Welcome aboard! I really don't have any advice other than to tell you that you are far from alone in this feeling. Sometimes it has to do with medication (every medication comes with its lovely list of side effects, and side effects can be psychological as well as physical), sometimes it's the nature of depression and anxiety, it can do with the time of year, etc. If you are still seeing a professional, have you talked to them about this? You're right about it taking energy. It takes an enormous amount of energy.

I'm glad that you are doing what you can. That's all you can do. That's all anyone can do.

[Blue011 in reply to Hidden]

Oh yes, medication combined with so many symptoms that these conditions have, it's hard to tell the main cause. Although I know that in theory, sometimes is just impossible to listen to rational part of the brain. The thing with professional help is that they mainly push medicine and maybe just some regular advice. To have a real session with actual conversation, I would have to pay a lot of money that I don't have.

Thank you for your reply, I knew that I'm not alone in this but I guess it's always good to remember that there are people that understand.

[Hidden in reply to Blue011]

You're welcome.

[Youcandream18]

YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I’m almost 40 year of age and still take medication and attend therapy sessions. What I’ve learned from my personal experience is that mental illness doesn’t go away and it surely doesn’t go away overnight. You have to learn to love and accept yourself; ALL YOURSELF including your depression and anxiety. Don’t be ashamed and embrace it. But embrace it by doing good for yourself. Take your depression and anxiety and make it YOUR BITCH! Lol. I’ve been dealing w/my depression since I was 4 or 5 yrs of age. So I can relate to your life struggles. But also know medication is not some “magical pill” that takes it all away. Mental illness requires consistent work. Rather that’s medication, council w/a specialist, physical therapy, or whatever works for you that’s a safe continuation of well being. We are all here to help you and you are in a safe place to express your true self and we will never judge you.

[Blue011 in reply to Youcandream18]

You just nailed almost everything that my brain almost refuses to accept. I realized a long time ago that pills are just to keep me away from spiraling into the darkest thoughts (and actions) but the truth that mental illness won't go away is the hardest pill to swallow. The thought of this never going away, just being managed... I just hate it. When I was a teen, counseling did work, but as I get older and have different set of problems that I encounter, it got to a point where I don't have access to affordable therapy other than a psychiatrist that just prescribes me meds. Help for mental illness in my country is a whole another story, so most of the thing I had to research and try to do myself. I started to hate my mind and all the emotions. I started to think that I would be a much better person without this mess inside me. I hate how much effort people around me need to make just bc they love me, how they want to help but don't know how and even I don't know how. For this reason I pushed almost everyone away and I can't really process how I feel now about that. I'm sorry for going on a tangent, I know that depression isn't who I am but it's a part of me and your sentence about accepting myself really stuck with me. If you know some baby steps I could make to do this or something to read about it, I would appreciate it very much.

[Youcandream18 in reply to Blue011]

I first want to say Thank you for your courage to speak about your personal struggles. We have no idea how much our words and personal experiences can help others. I know EXACTLY what you mean when you say you feel bad about how much your loved ones have to do to help you or what they have to do to just be around you. The burden and pressure we put on ourself is a lot for any single person to handle. First;… be kind to yourself! Please know and repeat it over and over again until it sticks in your head…YOU ARE WORTH IT!! You are loved! From my personal experience, I’ve put my “problems” on the professionals. My doctors and therapist; I just can’t talk about these things w/my family and loved ones. I’ve also pushed everyone away; now I’m 37 single, no kids, never been married, and currently unemployed. My depression has completely taken over my life. BUT I get up everyday and just put one foot in front of the other and take one moment at a time. There are many government based programs that will pay for the assistance you need for medications or as well as therapy sessions. As well as these type of internet support groups that are free and we are here to offer our personal efforts we took or are currently doing to make it through the day. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I am here for you.

[Blue011 in reply to Youcandream18]

You are so kind, thank you! I am from Croatia so it's a little different situation when it comes to mental health. Even professionals are still in mindset that you are just too sensitive or lazy or something. It can be really discouraging when looking for help. My current therapist just asks me how I'm doing, if I say that I'm not ok then he changes my medication, if I say that I am ok then he's like: see you in a month. And that's not even the first professional I've been to, but I am trying to find courage to do something about it. I am also unemployed so I understand you and all the feelings that come with it but that will change one day so just stay strong! And don't get me started on love life and things that come with it 😅 They say it's never too late so I find comfort with that. It can be lonely but as you said: YOU ARE NOT ALONE! If you ever need to talk about something or just vent, I am here.

[Youcandream18]

Also, when things get so hard for me and you’re not sure if you can move on; with my personal experience I would jump into the bath/shower (fully clothed and all) and turn on the cold water only and just sit there. It was a source a “waking me up” and “ snapping out of it” and being able to hit the reset button and either ask for help or if I felt strong enough not lie to myself… I would write in my journal and get everything out and somehow I would feel this form of release and would be able to go to bed after times like these. Just a small form of technique that helped me. Hope this message finds you well.

[Sphinx21]

Hi Blue Bless you don’t be so hard on yourself my advise ( and I’m no professional) but do have a daughter who suffers with terrible anxiety, is to take things day by day look after yourself , eat a well balanced diet , exercise is excellent for mental and physical health and believe me that strength you need will come from somewhere ! Baby steps you are stronger than you think I wish you all the luck in the world my friend 😊🙏

[Blue011 in reply to Sphinx21]

Thank you for all your kind words! I wish you and your daughter all the best 🙏

[RupertBrown]

Hey Blue. Been struggling with issues from my childhood for over 30 years. Someone else touched on this, but its true that it doesn't ever just go away. It requires sustained and most likely indefinite effort. Go easy on yourself, trust the process and do what you can everday to take care of/better yourself. One thing that has helped a lot is exercise. Weightlifting has benefitted me greatly. I work off stress and the controlled breathing helps reduce anxiety. Looking and feeling stronger physically does start to spill over into your mental health as well. At any rate, hope you find the answers you're looking for and sending you strength and peace until you do.

[Blue011 in reply to RupertBrown]

Thank you for reminding me that exercise and controlled breathing does help. The thing I find the hardest in that is keeping up with the routine. I started some light exercise countless times and after a few days (mostly after rest day) my brain just works against me and I quit. It's a process to get started again...

[designguy]

First of all, I think there is nothing wrong with taking medication if it is helping you and your body needs it. For example, I've had tests done when not on medication and found my neurotransmitters were low and even natural supplements didn't help. I also wasn't having any bad side affects from the medication. Also your fatigue could be physically induced, it's important to make sure your hormones, thyroid and adrenals are all functioning properly because they can cause or contribute to anxiety/depression. Also poor diet and lack of sleep can also impact your mood.

You might also consider that you haven't yet found the right kind of therapy that you need to heal, I went through a lot of different therapists and types of therapy before determining what I really needed to heal and a big thing for me was determining what I was telling and believing about myself and life consciously and subconsciously because that was how I was viewing and living my life. When I became aware of my subconscious programming I then had the choice and power to eliminate the negative beliefs that no longer worked for me and add new ones that did. Another big thing for me was realizing that fundamentally there was nothing wrong with me, I had been programmed from childhood and society to believe otherwise so I just surrendered and stopped trying to improve myself and started working on accepting myself, myself-worth and my self-esteem.

[Blue011 in reply to designguy]

Thank you for the advice!

[designguy in reply to Blue011]

You're welcome, hope it's helpful for you. Healing takes courage and persistence which it sounds like you have plenty of.

[Blue011]

Thank you Luna_Child! ✌️😃