Very new guy

[justchuckc]

Good day,

I am a happily married man 63 years of age who recently lost his job of 30+ years due to down size. It's been a couple of months and yet the depression is just getting stronger. Have always been employed and in good mental health so this has really hit me hard. I can't talk with my wife about my depression as it only makes her feel bad that she can't help. I thought I would look at a support group that I could share my thoughts with and not feel so alone. Never been involved with any "chat" group and not sure of rules or protocol.

[jkl5500]

You're welcome to say what's on your mind. Losing your job after 30 years is like losing part of your identity. I'm sure it's a big shock to your system.

[gogogirl]

Thirty plus years? Why not consider yourself retired and not be so down. Otherwise, welcome and vent if you'd like. What kind of work did you do?

[justchuckc in reply to gogogirl]

Thank you gogogirl

Yes you are right, retire ! Not at full retirement age now but can still collect some social security next month when I turn 64. My depression comes from not only losing my job but also having to re-locate and move in with my mother-in-law with my wife. My entire adult life I have always been able to provide for myself and family. This is all new territory for me.

Thanks for listening. It's just nice to be able to talk with someone.

[gogogirl in reply to justchuckc]

Did you move in with her because of your job or because of your MIL's needs? I know personally that changes in life can certainly "surprise" us! Hope you look forward to SS-and also look back on your long career. I do not know what you did for a job , but maybe a career center or AARP can have some ideas even for part time work.

[justchuckc in reply to gogogirl]

Good afternoon. Actually we did move in with MIL for both reasons. We had no other place to go after job loss and my wife wanted to come up and take care of her as she lost her husband a few months ago. It's a huge change moving from southern Ca. to central Oregon. All of her family are here and at the house often. I retreat to my own space and feel really lonely at those times. My depression is the biggest obstacle keeping from joining in. I need to get a handle on it. Hope your day is better

[gogogirl in reply to justchuckc]

I can imagine that it is a big change. I understand that CA has gotten expensive- so I imagine that must have been hard. I hope that you can stay in touch with your family and friends as well- perhaps a visit.

[Cat2 in reply to justchuckc]

I was forced to retire because of an injury. I didn't even get the chance to decide it. I just knew that I wouldn't be able to meet the physical demands. Thankfully, I was close to to the required number of years of work.

I like what jk5500 said, "It is like losing a part of yourself". You also lose your purpose in life. You struggle year after year making it to work, no matter if you feel terrible. You know you have to go to work to survive. It unfortunately becomes your purpose in life.

I have had a tough time of retirement also. Eventually I figured that it is my time to have fun again. I have gone to "meets ups", started walking for exercise, visited arboretums and museums and found groups of people with my interests on Facebook. It is important to find a new reason to do things and new people to spend time with, even if it's just breakfast with friends. Do you want a certain type of pet? Their are groups for that. Do you have a hobby yet? What do you find interesting? Hope this helps : ).

[justchuckc in reply to Cat2]

Thank you Cat2, yes it does help. Some very wise words here. Yeah, losing your job IS like losing part of yourself as well as your purpose in life. It's nice to hear from someone whom I can relate to. I really miss the routine after so many years. Your words inspire me. Starting over is a challenge at my age but I hope I still have something to offer.

[b1b1b1]

Does the loss of your job cause serious financial problems. If so, try to find another job. I would also talk to your wife. Talking about your feelings with her may actually make both of you feel better. Losing a job is a terrible loss and it is not surprising that you feel depressed. It may take a while to improve. You might want to consider seeing a therapist. In the meantime see if there is a hobby that you can bbecome interested in. Also, exercise, especially walking can be very helpful in easing depression.

[justchuckc in reply to b1b1b1]

Thank you for your reply (my very first) My problems are not financial. I'm 63 years old and have worked my entire life. Not many companies out there want a broken down old man. I have the support of my wife of 41 years. She worked with me and was laid off the same time I was due to down size. She seems to be handling it better than I You are also correct about exercising and walking. Being unemployed for the first time in almost 50 years, I find myself doing a lot of walking. Not only did we lose our job, we also had to relocate which only added to the entire process. Thanks again for the reply. I gotta learn the whole process and protocol with these forums.

[b1b1b1 in reply to justchuckc]

It is very good that your problems are not financial. I think your depression will ease after a time. The most important thing is to find new things to get involved in and to put some structure into your days. Possibilities are a gym membership, hobbies, a new sport (golf, curling, ice skating, etc.) church, volunteer work, gardening, taking courses (cooking, painting, art, etc. There are others as well. I think it is very important to structure the day with things and places that you have to be at, at specific times. You may b surprised to find a great deal of new enjoyments.

[KrierandRosie in reply to justchuckc]

Hi! I am 65 and quit my job at 62. So I know about feeling useless. I have searched for part time to no avail. Finances are tight. But the job was too stressful. It starts to get better over time. But I wonder what the future will bring. We have no family. Do you?

[justchuckc in reply to KrierandRosie]

Yes I have a wonderful family. A loving wife of 41 years and an adult son out on his own. In that way I am very fortunate. Just have to get past these dark days.From what I have learned I have what is classified as "adjustment disorder with depressed mood" they say this is a temporary thing that usually lasts 3 months. Of course that is a statistic and I hope I fall into that group because I don't think I can handle feeling this way much longer than that. Thanks for your reply. This is an amazing site !!

[KrierandRosie in reply to justchuckc]

I did not know there was a term for it. Thanks for telling me that! That fits. I am actually comfortable not working now. You need to change your whole lifestyle around. I worked starting from age 17 to 62, so that is a long time, plus four years of college. But it hurts to have no family. So I am on my on my own a lot.

[gogogirl in reply to justchuckc]

Don't you love what is a natural feeling being labeled as a disorder?

[gogogirl in reply to justchuckc]

I know the feeling of being looked at as old, but you are not broken down. Who knows? Maybe you could start a small business or even become some type of consultant. I am not sure why you relocated to where your MIL is rather than the opposite way around, but I hope you make the best of this. You sound like a really nice person with a nice wife as well.

[gogogirl in reply to justchuckc]

Hope you can also stay in touch with old friends - even AARP recommends something like that.

[justchuckc]

Thank you all so very much for your wise words and advice, that means a lot to me, really. You all seem like a very good group of people and it's comforting to know there are still folks out there who are able to care about strangers. Not quite sure on the protocol and rules of groups like this so please have patience.

[ErikaJean]

I’m sorry you’re going through this. My brother in law’s father just went through something similar. It took a little while but he did find another job to hold him over until he’s officially retirement age. Things will get easier! Try to hang in there! Have you ever meditated?

[Regina48]

It sounds like you're ok financially which is great. I've been at my job for 21 years and I couldn't say the same. Have you thought about volunteering? If both of you aren't working at the moment, maybe you could do something together. It could give you a sense of giving back and doing something constructive plus sharing it with your wife.

[justchuckc in reply to Regina48]

Thanks Regina. Good advice. I plan to volunteer at my mother-in-laws Church. I know I need to get out and meet some new people. I've been in my new residence now for a week and think that my own pity party should come to an end. But even with the support of my wife of 41 years, I find it difficult to talk with her. She is aware of my depression and panic attacks. It's just that I don't want to burden her with something that she can not fix, so I put on a fake smile and pretend everything is alright. As far as meditation ? Tried it in the 70's and 80's but just couldn't quite wrap my head around it. I just never thought I would find myself in the place I'm in now.

[lostgirl75]

I can understand how you feel I lost my job of 20 yes due to down sizing and it sent me into a terrible downward spiral. Its been 7 yes and I'm still mad about it. It changed my life but on a positive note it made me realize how much time I had for my family which I never use to. Take advantage of every min you can.

[Dontpanicjule]

Chuck, the lack of something to do is difficult for someone who is used to being busy. That's where the depression comes in. Keep walking and exercising and be with people, and talking here. We are here for you. THis, too, shall pass as my long-departed grandmother used to say. ANd you know what? It does! As quickly as it comes, t can can go. Hang tough. You. Are not suffering alone.

[gogogirl in reply to Dontpanicjule]

Have you been to a senior center? I will bet that you will not only meet people, but you could volunteer as well.

[justchuckc in reply to gogogirl]

Gogogirl, It's one of the things on my list. Also there is a group of Viet Nam era vets that meet for dinners on a regular basis. I have to get "well" first, I don't want to bring my darkness along. Wouldn't be fair to them.

[gogogirl in reply to justchuckc]

So, you're a Vet? Thank you for your service. That just might be what you need- you do not have to be "well" first. How about just having dinner with them? That could bring a new purpose for you.

[justchuckc in reply to gogogirl]

You're welcome. I consider it an honor to have served. It's odd, the only good thing about moving away from all my old friends in Cally is that I would not want them to see me like like this, I don't think any of them would even recognize me now, yet meeting with strangers just might be better.

[gogogirl in reply to justchuckc]

Perhaps if you were still in S CAL with your friends, you would not be like this. You've had a few changes, but sounds like you have plans - also as you know real friends are there no matter what. Anyway, again thank you for your service. My late dad was in WW2.

[justchuckc in reply to gogogirl]

You're correct. If I were still in SoCal it would mean I still had my job and my home and my life. I have read a lot of posts on this site. Most I can't identify with as many have suffered from depression and anxiety for a long period of time. This is all new to me. I have always been a confident self assured individual who has never had to ask for help. On Jan. 16th when I lost my job, everything changed, in the blink of an eye it seems. I drank heavily for 32 days, non stop until I called a crisis hot line the day I wanted to die. Went to detox where they admitted me under a 5150 (mental hold) I came down with a bacterial infection that kept me in the hospital on my back for 13 days. While in the hospital my wife packed up all our clothes and a few photo albums and shipped them to Oregon where we would begin our new life. we had to leave nearly everything else we had collected over decades behind. I have been sober ever since. I had lost my mother and my brother right before Christmas, but I was able to cope with that, and then all this. It just became too much I think, and I fell into this deep dark place. I'm not looking for pity or sympathy, just someone who understands. Thoughts of suicide visit me frequently, my weapon against these thoughts is knowing how it would destroy my wife . Sorry, this is more than you asked for but I had to tell my story, I just had to talk about it. Professional help ? Out of the question; lost my health care when I lost my job. So I visit this site daily and read the stories and force myself to "cowboy up" as there are so many more than I that are coping with much more.

[gogogirl in reply to justchuckc]

Well, I am sorry you have gone through all of this. If you lost your healthcare, I hope the VA can help you- after all you served our country. You do not have to "cowboy up"- or compare yourself to others. As you know it takes a great deal to ask for help. I hope you will get more support- and who knows maybe even a part time job can come out of this eventually. What kind of work did you do anyway( if you're comfortable). You also lost family members during the holidays- as you know sometimes things can build up and then a reaction happens. Please continue to get help here and there is also the National Alliance on Mental Illness. They have a site, and perhaps in your local area there might be a chapter.

[justchuckc in reply to gogogirl]

Your kind words and concern have actually brought tears to my eyes, but not to diminish that sentence, just about everything brings tears to my eyes lately. I have signed up for VA benefits, just waiting for all the paperwork to go through. You asked what my job was. I was a logistics coordinator for a manufacturing company. Fancy title for "shipping & Receiving" I had a crew that respected me. I had responsibilities dealing with very high dollar machines making sure they were properly packed and loaded. It was a fun job. Yes you're right, things can build up and it just became too much. At the first signs of my depression, I was beating myself up for being so weak and not being able to cope. I told myself that hundreds of people lose their jobs every day and seem to manage so why can't I ?

I'm fortunate to find this site. Believe it or not I think it is helping in some way, and I'll take all the help I can get.

[gogogirl in reply to justchuckc]

That is great about the VA benefits. Thank you so much for being in touch. Believe it or not you are an inspiration yourself!

[justchuckc in reply to gogogirl]

Hey there ! Not so sure about being anyone's inspiration. Not feeling so inspired today, but thank you any way. Last night I had to escape the chatter of the in-laws so I found myself in my room with head-phones on and YouTube. It was such a nice distraction. For a brief time It was a good feeling not to have the darkness with me. I found myself listening to R.E.M. "Everybody hurts sometime" I think that's my new anthem ! It makes me feel good "talking" with you. Thanks for that. Not sure how old you are but you are wise beyond your years.

[gogogirl in reply to justchuckc]

I am in my late sixties, and I would not say wise- just a regular. Thank you.

[ferris2424]

I am also going through a job change at age 50 and it triggered my getting serious help for depression/anxiety. It can feel so overwhelming. There are only two ways to move forward which are medications and therapy. Talk to someone asap!

[ferris2424]

50 year old male who is about to lose my job. Welcome to this group, it is a source of comfort just to know how many people are feeling the same way. Just share how you feel!

[justchuckc in reply to ferris2424]

Thank you for the welcome. Most people have good days and bad days, I understand that.

I seem to only have bad days with brief periods of good filtering in. I just can't let the demons win. It's a struggle and I often wonder how long I can continue like this. I shouldn't be in a place like this at my age, but I am and I have to deal with it. It's hard to accept and feel appreciative of the good I do have. The dark always wins. Again,Thanks for listening.

[gogogirl in reply to justchuckc]

I imagine the situation with living with your MIL does not always help- does she need a lot of assistance?

[justchuckc]

No MIL is in good health for the most part. It's just that she wants my wife near her at all times leaving very little time for just the 2 of us. So I spend time on sites like this and e-mailing old friends. It's really hard however to send upbeat and cheery messages while the demons have their hold.

[Hidden]

Hi

So sorry to hear about job,have you had a decent payout? Age 63 they got to retire you - it must be hard when working everyday to this, as long as you haven't got money troubles, at the moment as you worked every day, you didn't do other things .. Time on your hands is hard.. Take care