today I had this wave of overwhelming sadness after organizing some old stuff. I was actually pretty at 20 but I didn’t know it and then my life took dark turns for years. I could have been married but I thought I was not worthy..,that is what my parents taught me. Now I’m heavier and still self conscious but with a bit of resentment for all that I didn’t experience.
anyway I thought I would try something spiritual with community… again. I’m not religious. I tried a Christian church thinking I could embrace my inner catholic…there is no inner catholic…they f’in abuse their power. I tried humanism thinking that would be a better fit but they seemed just as zealous and uninclusive. I tried universalism which seemed too family oriented and that just makes me feel so left out.
so now I’m thinking shambhala since that is close to yoga which I love. Interestingly they also have a power problem so take what works..I guess. Here is the rub…whenever I go to an event like this I want to cry. It is like I sense the ether and I’m not a part of it so I feel so alone. I went to a sound bath last week but it was so solo. It makes me scared to go. That is really what holds me back…in life in general really. Does anyone else experience this?
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Blueruth
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there are several. One is biblical which wouldn’t be for me. The Bible has some good lessons but I am not a follower. The other by Webb is interesting but there is a review that really resonates with me. The reviewer is bunnyrabbit4 if you are curious. If that is the one you are talking about… my father passed a couple years ago. My mother doesn’t have long. Once that happens my brother will be out of my life and country. So at this stage I don’t want to look backwards. I want to look forward and find meaningful relationships in the next chapter. Does that make sense?
Yes, I know the feeling. I’m not quite sure what religion I am. I was raised Catholic but I was in a relationship for a long time with someone who was raised Jewish. I could see things from his point of view, sometimes he feels like an oddball because of all these Jewish holidays that are observed that no one who is Christian knows about. And he’s very sensitive about the Holocaust and I definitely understand why!!! I tried to go to this church group at a modern Christian church. It was a womens group where we talked about passages in the Bible. I wasn’t comfortable. I thought maybe I could meet some women I could potentially have some friendships with and get to know, but a lot of them are married with children and it felt like they are on a completely different wave length than me. It’s not fun feeling like you’re this loner no one understands. And now I’m 52 and going through menopause and I feel rather sad that I never had children. I still like kids, I was never with anyone where I thought we’d have the income to support having children. You’ve got to take care of the kids and make sure they have food and clothes and shoes. I didn’t want to be a single Mom on welfare, that’s rough. When I see people with little kids, I think they’re so cute. I can understand why Janet Jackson had a baby at age 50, she figured if she wants to be a mother, it’s now or never. I’ve always wanted to adopt a couple of kids, but I wanted to have a husband who’d be on the same page as me. It’s not easy being alone when you’re older, you’re wondering is this the way I’m always going to be???
you are just leaving the age when people have kids under 18. The mothers all disappear from the lives of the childless around 30-35. It feels unfair but I kind of get it. I really can’t get into kindergarten trials and tribulations. But I had a great curated music collection and can talk in geek. At 50+ they are looking for something for themselves again. So now they reappear. Be open.
I had similar reasons…I don’t think I would have been a good single parent. Oprah spoke up about her reasons too. That really helped me. Just the influence she has.
Too much really. Even in room at a party, I feel alone and separate. I get you. I am Catholic and try so much but I have so many questions. I feel not protected if that makes sense? I trust pray for strength or to quiet my voice in my head that says I am not good enough. I started prepping food for the whole week on Sunday. This week I am making chicken soup, roasted chicken and broccoli and Meatloaf. My dog will be happy. I find if I do that and exercise 30 minutes I feel better about myself. Try it. It is the only thing I can control. I look for things I can control to feel better. Does this help? My weight is a problem too. I have lost 19 lbs. so far. For years, I told myself I couldn't lose any. Trying....
thanks…I lost about that. I tried to go for more after keeping it off but in weeks I haven’t lost a thing. It has been disappointing. I exercise about 5 times a week. It helps but what helps my mind is a walk or a slow flow that is more about breathing and meditation. I went to one tonight and it really did help. I think I will go to the intro meditation thing in a few weeks.
Omg ..blueruth, u r my Muse of the week. Reading this post of yours I feel like we already know each other. Organized religion is my 1 of my biggest pet peeves in society!!! A total cop out of weakness to the N-th degree. I was raised and baptized in the Lutheran church. I spend most of my teen years immersed in my congregation. Sang in choir, played handbells, went on retreats. All my friends were there. But I NEVER felt as though it was REAL. I am very spiritual. I seem to connect to Buddhist principles more than any other "religions" I've studied and have vowed to live my life by these teachings.Spirituality does not require weekly attendance or monetary contributions. Spirituality is not uninclusive or segregated due to sexual orientation or wage wars against other belief systems. Spirituality does not recruit followers based on fear of the unknown or banishing those that do not follow commandments. Spirituality comes from within...with a tad of guidance from 1 simple rule...treat others in the same manner that you want to be treated with in return. Period.
I've also finally realized that I don't know what MY BELIEF SYSTEMS actually are. We are programmed by our parents at birth thru childhood with their beliefs and fears and failures. Those poor outdated views are thrust upon us and effect our lives in ways many of us never realize. Its this set of misaligned values I'm learning to UN-LEARN by the time I hit age 50 so that I can live MY version of life for the first time.
Im so glad to meet you. I will continue to go through your posts as I've found them very reassuring and comforting. Can't wait to learn more from you. Listened to the podcast on my elliptical workout this morning. It was as good as I'd hoped. Thanks again ❣️
You as well! I am definitely going to the meditation/spiritual intro on Saturday. I went to a sound bath a couple weeks ago and there is something very spiritual about that. Given your interest in TMS you would probably "get" the science but it is also very ethereal. Have you tried it? 💕
Had a problem posting this response and now it's posted 3 times😤 sorry 😬I am very interested in hearing about your retreat experience this weekend!! Please update me when you get back. I'd love to attend one in the future
It is really just a meeting. Shoshana is a spiritual organization. I think their principals are based in Buddhism. They do public and privately led meditation.
Omg ..blueruth, u r my Muse of the week. Reading this post of yours I feel like we already know each other. Organized religion is my 1 of my biggest pet peeves in society!!! A total cop out of weakness to the N-th degree. I was raised and baptized in the Lutheran church. I spend most of my teen years immersed in my congregation. Sang in choir, played handbells, went on retreats. All my friends were there. But I NEVER felt as though it was REAL. I am very spiritual. I seem to connect to Buddhist principles more than any other "religions" I've studied and have vowed to live my life by these teachings.Spirituality does not require weekly attendance or monetary contributions. Spirituality is not uninclusive or segregated due to sexual orientation or wage wars against other belief systems. Spirituality does not recruit followers based on fear of the unknown or banishing those that do not follow commandments. Spirituality comes from within...with a tad of guidance from 1 simple rule...treat others in the same manner that you want to be treated with in return. Period.
I've also finally realized that I don't know what MY BELIEF SYSTEMS actually are. We are programmed by our parents at birth thru childhood with their beliefs and fears and failures. Those poor outdated views are thrust upon us and effect our lives in ways many of us never realize. Its this set of misaligned values I'm learning to UN-LEARN by the time I hit age 50 so that I can live MY version of life for the first time.
Im so glad to meet you. I will continue to go through your posts as I've found them very reassuring and comforting. Can't wait to learn more from you. Listened to the podcast on my elliptical workout this morning. It was as good as I'd hoped. Thanks again ❣️
Omg ..blueruth, u r my Muse of the week. Reading this post of yours I feel like we already know each other. Organized religion is my 1 of my biggest pet peeves in society!!! A total cop out of weakness to the N-th degree. I was raised and baptized in the Lutheran church. I spend most of my teen years immersed in my congregation. Sang in choir, played handbells, went on retreats. All my friends were there. But I NEVER felt as though it was REAL. I am very spiritual. I seem to connect to Buddhist principles more than any other "religions" I've studied and have vowed to live my life by these teachings.Spirituality does not require weekly attendance or monetary contributions. Spirituality is not uninclusive or segregated due to sexual orientation or wage wars against other belief systems. Spirituality does not recruit followers based on fear of the unknown or banishing those that do not follow commandments. Spirituality comes from within...with a tad of guidance from 1 simple rule...treat others in the same manner that you want to be treated with in return. Period.
I've also finally realized that I don't know what MY BELIEF SYSTEMS actually are. We are programmed by our parents at birth thru childhood with their beliefs and fears and failures. Those poor outdated views are thrust upon us and effect our lives in ways many of us never realize. Its this set of misaligned values I'm learning to UN-LEARN by the time I hit age 50 so that I can live MY version of life for the first time.
Im so glad to meet you. I will continue to go through your posts as I've found them very reassuring and comforting. Can't wait to learn more from you. Listened to the podcast on my elliptical workout this morning. It was as good as I'd hoped. Thanks again ❣️
Hi again, blueruth, u r my Muse of the week. Reading this post of yours I feel like we already know each other. Organized religion is my 1 of my biggest pet peeves in society!!! A total cop out of social control & weakness to the N-th degree. I was raised and baptized in the Lutheran church. I spent most of my teen years immersed in my congregation. Sang in choir, played handbells, went on retreats. All my friends were there. But I NEVER felt as though it was REAL.I am very spiritual. I seem to connect to Buddhist principles more than any other "religions" I've studied and have vowed to live my life by these teachings.
To me, Spirituality does not require weekly attendance or monetary contributions. Spirituality is not uninclusive or segregated due to sexual orientation or wage wars against other belief systems. Spirituality does not recruit followers based on fear of the unknown or banishing those that do not follow commandments. Spirituality comes from within...with a tad of guidance from 1 simple rule...treat others in the same manner that you want to be treated with in return. Period.
I've also finally realized that I don't know what MY BELIEF SYSTEMS actually are. We are programmed by our parents at birth thru childhood with their beliefs and fears and failures. Those poor outdated views are thrust upon us and effect our lives in ways many of us never realize. Its this set of misaligned values I'm learning to UN-LEARN by the time I hit age 50 so that I can live MY version of life for the first time.
Im so glad to meet you. I will continue to go through your posts as I've found them very reassuring and comforting. Can't wait to learn more from you. Listened to the podcast on my elliptical workout this morning. It was as good as I'd hoped. Thanks again ❣️
Experience what exactly Blueruth? Feeling alone/excluded somehow? Not like them/not the same mindset as them/an outcast for unknown reasons/unaccepted/avoid/unwanted/stand always alone/a viewer of them all fitting in and self not fitting in for unknown reasons despite doing no wrong/a loner despite not wanting that always and not deliberately being a loner/a solo/picking up on hostility from others that is not displayed or said but is definitely there/a feeling from them the others that comes from them that you aren't one of them/don't belong with us being cast out unsaid. That is what holds me back in life....in general. People do not welcome me with open arms in the way they do with seemingly everyone else. I am a solo and not intentionally so. I am just not accepted by others and tbh I don't think like them but I'm not a horrible person. I'm kind and caring and open minded. Perhaps my mind is too open for them and their levels. Levels I do often find simplistic but never voice that openly. I want to just join in and be like them. I join in, but am not accepted, they don't include me, they will leave me out. They probably sense I'm not like them that I am a solo unlike them, but it is them mostly more than myself that make me a solo by not accepting and including me. Can be in a room full of all different kinds types of people and they all glue together and I'm excluded left alone as if l'm invisble/not there/not part of them lot despite me doing normal things/same things as them. I I do though struggle with depression but so do many of them out there, yet they all seem like each other and I'm the misfit them deem unsaid who is out of place/not like them. Well they make me not like them by casting me out to stand/sit solo wishing they would open their arms (not literally) with the same welcoming they do all others seemingly. I'm not married/no partner/lover or whatever like them/unemployed due to health issues (not mental health issues) I don't drive/do have a child but that's another story/I have very few friends I actually see and whom bother with me (yes I do bother with them and make effort to keep in contact) I don't own my own home and for those and other minor things I am not accepted and am excluded as if invisible and they turn their noses up as if above and better than me without bothering to even try getting to know me. I will always be solo and not because I want to be. Haven't ever found my crowd/my people with like minds. I have to try and be like all them and they will know I'm not, but not sure what they think I am, but clearly it is something negative. Don't like football, don't like getting drunk but do love music, dancing, chatting, hugs, belly laughs and just genuine unbitchy people.Seems to much to want in friendships thesedays.
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I find if I do that and exercise 30 minutes I feel better about myself. Try it. It is the only thing I can control. I look for things I can control to feel better. Does this help? My weight is a problem too. I have lost 19 lbs. so far. For years, I told myself I couldn't lose any. Trying....
It never ends
Is this an "incorrect memory"?
I asked for understanding. 
