suicidal but don’t want to die

[Adamj]

I cannot do this anymore the sensations feeling like I’m a bout to die the weird chest pains and feeling woozy and lightheaded feeling confused and out of it the stress is not stopping I get no relief my mom is now throwing in my face her cancer like I have any control over that and from my understanding they’re only doing the chemo as a precaution. I’m so tempted to take myself to the hospital I can’t do this especially with my chest feeling so off I’m so alone my mom is barely eating or drinking anything she just lays in her bed and doesn’t move. No one understands how severe this is for me and it feels like no one understands the weird shit happening to me. Like I’m not even saying a heart attack because my troponin hasn’t done anything been basically undetected at the same spot every time but my darn ekg read outs keep saying st and T wave abnormalities and consider ischemia 4 EKGs two at the same hospital two weeks apart one at my pcp and one at another hospital all essentially have the same read out and they all say don’t believe it you’re fine but in my head it’s like 3 different machines read out the same thing and nothings wrong? My brain is stuck on it especially because of the chest pains and back pain side of neck pain where my artery is arm pain like wtf. I’m overwhelmed my brain is stuck I got so angry last night with myself I ended up having this weird thing happen where I felt like I couldn’t breath and ended up taking a big gasp of air and my heart started racing like wtf was that

[hzhang35]

"T- wave abnormalities consider inferior ischemia" is a common message automatically generated by an EKG machine when it detects an inverted "T". It has to be reviewed by your ER doctor or a cardiologist. They will consider it in clinical context, your prior EKG, blood enzymes (such as troponin) etc. If there is no other clinical, or laboratory data to collaborate it,this so-called T-wave abnormalities is not a real indication of inferior ischemia, instead it is just a false alarm, for which EKG machine does a lot. For you, your prior EKGs,probably are the same, meaning the T-wave change is a normal variant, which is quite common for Ii, Iii and aVF leads. Ask your doctor to explain to you about it.

ardiologist

[Adamj in reply to hzhang35]

thank you for explaining it because I can’t even get a doctor to

[Raggedy-Ann]

Stress can cause all of your symptoms. You need to find ways to focus away from your body. Stress can mimic a heart attack. Do you have a therapist? Do you take any medication that might help? You have to advocate for your health.

Your mom can't help you, as she has a hard fight ahead of her. Cancer patients sleep a lot and can barely eat. My guess is your fear of losing your mom is playing a big part in your stress level.

Try to be kinder to yourself and your mom. It seems like she needs you now. Can you breathe deep breaths and bring down your anxiety level? Take care of both of you?

[Lazy_dog_lover]

I am sure you have heard this before, but slow down for a moment. Focus on slow, deep breathing (like down to the belly, breathing.). We, collectively, in this group probably understand what you are feeling, more than most. We got you.

I have had several abnormal EKGs. Prior to my last foot surgery, my PCPs office sent the readout to a cardiologist. That is the person you need to see. Heart trouble runs in both sides of my family. If the cardiologist is not worried, then IMHO it sounds like you are having a panic attack from stress and not having a support person who trusts you and you trust.

From experience, I can tell you that the chest discomfort can be stress induced. I have been there. So, now you need to take care of you.

Make sure mom is given food and drink and medications and then leave for some period of time. If you have family or neighbors that can sit with her, that would be better. I don’t know what mom was like before cancer, but chemo does weird things to a person. If she is not eating, that will be worse. Call her oncologist and let the office know she is not eating. They might be able to provide a home health person once a day.

“Where” is your happy place? If you can’t go there, go in your imagination. Sit somewhere, quiet. Use music, Pandora free version has many tracks for relaxation music. Just take a time out. You are entitled. Envision yourself at your happy place. Focus on your breathing. 5-10 minutes. Another option is a guided meditation that takes you out of your worries for a while.

You are right that you cannot control your mom’s cancer. You can only control how you move through this world.

[Dolphin14]

Adam

I am so sorry this happened to you.

I'm also sorry your mom is expressing her fear in anger. This is so common and the feelings are dumped on the loved ones because they feel safer doing so. Does your mom have a social worker assigned from the cancer center? This is routine in the centers here, She should probably reach out to them to get her feelings out,

My heart is with you. You know this.

❤️

[DezzaJ]

Dear Adam.

I am so very sorry to read of all that is happening in your life right now.

I am very much older than you, but I empathise and understand all that you are experiencing.

I'm 61 and my 94 year old mother lives with me; I'm her primary carer. Up until Covid I worked and my mother was the fittest 91yr old around; no medication, still driving, gardening, cleaning and loving life.

During the lockdowns she had two serious falls with head injuries. Each requiring hospitalisation which meant I was unable to see her or communicate with her whilst she was in hospital, and then lengthy perods of convalescence.

This is when I started becoming anxious. I had witnessed both my father's and grandmother's unexpected and sudden deaths, My sister suffering a stroke whilst we were dining in a restaurant, subsequent heart failure, when I was looking after her at home, where I had to administer C.P.R. until the paramedics arrived and memories of my own brain hemorrage, from a skiing accident in my 30's.

The anxiety was so intence and incessant that (I now know) I believed I was very sick. Every headache I knew was a brain tumour, every heart beat was abnormal and I was suffering a heart attack like my father. My hands were continually shaking and I was stuttering and sweating; I must have Parkinson's Disease. I "knew" that when I took a cup of tea in to my mother in the morning she would be dead....I was cursed and everything and everyone I came into contact with failed or died.

18 months ago it got to the point where I forced myself not to sleep for 2 weeks; if I slept I would die from a heart attack like my father, a stroke like my grandmother or choke on my own vomit....the list of fatal conditions I had were endless.

If I stayed awake then my mother wouldn't be dead in the morning...makes no sense but Anxiety isn't about sense it's about fear. After 2 weeks of no sleep, an excess of Adreneline and Cortosil production my brain and body gave up. I was admitted to hospital with anxiety related organ failure and an inability to rationalise or communicate my thoughts. I was placed in an induced coma for 7 days to give my mind and body a break. And I've been anxious ever since!

Adam, anxiety doesn't go away, but there are many ways to contol it; some work, some don't. You have done an incredible thing by writing your thoughts and feelings on this Forum, and hundreds/thousands of us understand and know what you are feeling. In some ways we are polar opposits; I'm so scared of death I would stay awake for 2 weeks to avoid it (my thoughts tell me), you are so tired of life you want an end to it. WE, neither of us, are right or wrong, we are being controlled by our minds response to the horrible position we find ourselves in. And the major and most truthful thing I've learned in the last 18 months is that my mind is telling me things that aren't always true. I now understand that I wasn't suffering Parkinson's, Cancer, Heart Disease, Covid, etc, etc, etc, but my thoughts were preparing me to confront those beliefs by actually making me believe them.

I suspect all my ramblings appear absurd to you. Believe them or not, my primary reason for writing is that I care, we all care about you. There are so many people who support and want to help you, who know there aren't easy answers but believe that you are doing your best and we are rooting for you.

With love and support

Derek

[Dolphin14 in reply to DezzaJ]

Derek

I am so sorry to read all that you have been going through.

I want to thank you for opening up and sharing your story with Adam. It touches my heart how you have shared your journey with him. The stories are so similar. Many of us here are going to route for Adam's success and stand by him as long as it takes. Thank you for joining us in supporting this fine young man.

Sending peace your way.

🐬