Mixed Feelings

[southernbelle87]

I’m not sure how to explain how I feel right now. I got a new job today. I should be happy but all I want to do is cry. I have the worst feeling of impending doom and I’m not sure why. I think it just hit me today that I’m going to be Bipolar for the rest of my life.

It’s especially difficult because I’m a Black woman. We are already seen as “difficult” and now that I have a mental illness too it will just embolden people to treat me as less than.

I’m angry so very angry that my life will never be “normal”. Everyone around me seems to want me to change. I believe there are somethings I can’t change. I’ve always felt like an odd ball throughout my life and I’m insecure to boot. I’m constantly seeking approval from other and I want more than anything not to give a damn but it’s a practice I cannot master.

I wanted a husband and a family at some point and I’ve literally lost all hope for that. My culture treats people with mental illness like damaged goods or demon possessed. Every man I’ve ever dated would tell you I’m “crazy” without even batting an eye at how hurtful and harmful that word can be.

I’m just tired so tired and I feel like I’ve lost all my fight. I can’t even identify the feelings I’m having. It’s devastating.

[Dolphin14]

southernbelle

Thank you for your post. It's not easy to write about ourselves but I hope it lifted a burden to put the words down.

I've found that I need to expect to be treated with respect. That I deserve the same treatment as anyone else. Sometimes we think people are looking at us and passing judgement but it's really in our heads and part of our overthinking.

Hold your head up high. Do the best you can do.

🐬