Need change

[Bluesky6]

I feel so stuck. My husband is the worst when it comes to having an argument. It usually has to do with my adult kids, which he doesn’t get along with. (They aren’t his kids) We had an argument yesterday and it usually comes down to his way or the highway.. now today he’s just ignoring me. My whole family is all about shoving everything under the rug and not talking about it. So today is going to be a lonely day.. with rage inside of me because I’m being ignored and the immaturity of the whole argument. No matter what I say it’s always my fault. I have no clue with how to fix this. I told him if he’s so unhappy then let’s just get divorced. This all just really sucks and I feel so alone. Looking for support and advice

[Bluesky6]

Yes I agree.. it hasn’t always been this way. My adult kids have presented their own challenges that would make anyone want to run away from it. I’m having a hard time trying to help my adult son as well.

[CM781 in reply to Bluesky6]

Maybe he is a myogynist, but also could be way more to this. After all, you did marry the guy. I completely understand your urgency to support your kids but can't help but wonder how this impacts your own mental health. Is he worried about you and doesn't know how to express it? Perhaps some jealousy over the amount of energy and unwavering support put into your adult children? Either way, his reaction is definitely unreasonable (and unfair).

[Bluesky6 in reply to CM781]

Yeah, I believe he doesn’t know how to support me. I definitely have my own mental health issues that he doesn’t know how to deal with either. He comes from a similar family where there wasn’t much support. He just managed on his own. So I feel like that’s how he feels everyone else should deal with life issues. Suck it up and just get on with life. It’s not as easy to say.. oh let’s get a divorce and we’re done. I guess our next step that we have never done is go to marriage counseling and discuss these very issues. I think if he heard from a counselor with how we could support each other, that might help. But I seem to be surrounded by a family that says in their head, it’s my way or the highway. Very difficult people to get along with. All of this isn’t helping when I’m trying to help my son deal with some pretty significant life issues. Its a lot all at once

[Blueruth]

My advice is you should pay attention to that rage. It is telling you something. His behavior of ignoring you is passive aggressive at a minimum. That is a form of hostility. Maybe your children are telling you something too. Unchecked that rage can turn into depression or apathy.

[Bluesky6 in reply to Blueruth]

The whole situation is telling me something. Obviously it didn’t just happen over night but it’s at its worst level. It’s all falling on my shoulders. I have shared custody of my kids. I feel that when my son spends the week at his dads house.. he ends up playing catch up here. My son tends to do unhealthy habits at his dads house. My ex and his wife smokes pot on a daily basis. I’m sure my son feels that well dad gets high daily.. so it’s no big deal. My kids always come first and yes, my marriage gets put on the back burner. But my husband has gotten to the point that he doesn’t want to deal with it anymore. Definitely not a supportive marriage but I can’t fight 2 major battles at once. I’m human and one can only take so much. My most important issue is dealing with my son and his issues. I don’t want it becoming into a bigger problem. So here I am with no support at home and trying to find help here.

[Blueruth in reply to Bluesky6]

Marriage counseling sounds like a good next step. But honestly you would be justified in picking one battle. Just keep yourself healthy even if that means living elsewhere for a while. Don’t think that you are “stuck” because you have options.

I think the best thing you can do with your son is teach him what others do is not necessarily what he should do. If he has goals like college smoking weed everyday isn’t going to help. If he doesn’t have goals thinking about some might be good. In fact they know that developing brains are adversely affected by cannabis. So actually it is arguably not a big deal for dad but it is for him. I’m speaking as someone who has never had kids.

[Bluesky6]

My kids do come first and it’s it’s an easier said than done.. get rid of someone that’s been in my life for quite a while. I think that my son knows his issues are effecting everyone in the family. I think that’s the major issue at hand. My son is the kind of person that likes his routine and doesn’t like to be interrupted in the morning and lately has anger issues. I’m guessing thats the effects of smoking cigarettes and not having nicotine in his system. But yeah.. it sure would be nice if I had an easy going husband that could walk in a room and make light of a situation. But he’s anything but. He’s much the same and needs things his way. So it’s a clash of personalities going on here. I’m pretty easy going but lately I’m worn down from the stress and anxiety of it all. I don’t have much left in me

[hypercat54 in reply to Bluesky6]

Hi sorry to hear this. Remember no one can argue with you unless you let them. There are ways to stop them. One is to agree with them but go your own way anyway. Another is to stick to the point and never let yourself be side tracked. Another is to keep quiet and change the subject.

[Bluesky6]

I think we really need counseling.. but somehow I’m sure he will see everything as not his fault. Which won’t be helpful. We went to Florida and had a good time. He does have his own space and that helps. It’s when my kids are here that we have most of our problems. It’s really tough living with adult kids. Not for the faint of heart for sure. My son picked out a place to live but hasn’t moved in yet. I think his dad is paying for it. But to be honest, I feel it’s too big of a responsibility for him with no roommates and in the middle of no where. I had no say in the matter until the Lease was signed. He wanted to movie into a place where he had friends to talk to.. like he saw his college friends living in a dorm. He has one more year of college and he and his dad chose this small house. I believe my son can handle it but not at this point in his life. He has some unresolved emotional issues going on right now and I just wish he would stay home, commute to college, like he was doing and focus on his mental health. It’s too much responsibility for him at this point. If he had a roommate that would be a different story but he doesn’t. I don’t know how to resolve any of this

[Midori]

He sounds rather like an abuser, trying to split you away from your own children. Please take care.

How long have you been together?

Who holds the lease on the property you live in? Do you share bank accounts? Please separate them if you do.

I've been there, 15 wasted years, with the only good thing our 2 kids. He suicided when I decided to leave and take them with me. Left me and the kids with all kinds of trauma, and his family were as bad, even trying to accuse me of murder. 30 years on I use my experiences to try to help folk in similar circumstances.

Cheers, Midori

[lovetodance2018]

Thank you for sharing. I appreciate you reaching out here. Marriages are tough. Having grown kids is challenging. I can relate to what you shared. Sometimes I leave a discussion with my husband so frustrated that I want to scream. I feel so bitter. It was so bad a one point, I ended up falling into a deep depression, because I felt helpless. My husband and I really had to work on communication. This was done through marriage a counseling and also going a a marriage retreat called a Weekend to Remember (bit.ly/3QgAdla). We are also doing a couples study right now called the Art of Marriage (amzn.to/3dl0HU6). Before we did this, I was at my wits end, and told him, especially like you mentioned my kids are grown and don't live at home, that if he isn't willing to work on our marriage, then for my health and for our future we can't go on like this. Taking the time to work on our marriage not only helped us, but also has helped with his relationship with our two daughters. I will be keeping you in my prayers and if you need someone to chat with who understands feel free to pm me. Hugs and God Bless

[lovetodance2018]

How are you doing this week? I have been praying for you. Hugs

[Bluesky6 in reply to lovetodance2018]

Lovetodance thanks for checking in. I’m doing ok. I have shared custody with my ex, so my kids are with their dad. Always easier not to have everyone’s mood clashing at once. It’s so hard living with adult kids. I still wish my husband was more of a support to me when I’m having a hard time with my kids. I guess that would only change if we went to counseling.. It’s all exhausting. I’m always playing catch up on my well being after my kids leave for the week. It’s a quiet house today, so I’ll take it when I can. I hope your week is off to a good one. 😊

[lovetodance2018 in reply to Bluesky6]

I am glad you are taking time for yourself when your children are not home. Will continue to keep you in my prayers. Hugs