brought my depression on myself…

[history-nerd]

I think I brought on a good deal of my depression on myself. I have fractured relationships w/my grown sons. It’s my fault tho’. I had my first right after I turned 17, the second when I’d just turned 20. I wasn’t a good mother. I didn’t know what that looked like. So I did as my mom did. I was 800 miles away from everyone I knew. Although, I’m not sure it wouldn’t have made any difference… I still hadn’t grasped the fact that the mothering skills of my mom were wrong. I had no idea how to analyze situations like that at 20 much less 16. The decision part of your brain aren’t fully formed or functional til 25. They think I did it on purpose. They don’t understand that while I did make the choice to make poor choices. I didn’t even have the mental ability to recognize that the way mom raised me was wrong. Anyway, I love them so much and have always. It’s been 6 years since I’ve seen or been in contact with my oldest & my grandkids. The youngest one told me today that the only reason he talked to me … was so his kids could have a relationship with me. For 6 years I thought I was making this progress, but he was really just pretending for the sake of his kids. In reality for 6 years I drove an hour ½ to watch a 40 min soccer game & come home. I’m never invited to their house or to do anything with my son & his family. My oldest grandson’s about to turn 14. I was in his life til he was about three & then my son didn’t think I’d be a good influence on them. Know, that I did nothing to bring about that comment & went for 5 years and then he changed his mind, but has kept me at arms length since then. Exactly how much of a relationship can I have with a 14 yr old an 8 yr old when we don’t even socialize.

I so brought this on myself. Even tho I didn’t mean to… I have no one in my life that notices if I don’t. For 6 years I’ve … Blah blah blah & I just want to say, this was no argument with my son… ok, sorry I rambled again. G’nightn!!

[Dolphin14]

I am sorry for your pain. Have you had a heart to heart with your kids and shared what you have just shared here. That you recognize now what you did and why? Have you asked them to forgive you and offered to go to therapy together to help heal their wounds?

I only ask these things because I am a victim of childhood abuse and neglect. So I understand how they see things.

There may have been hope for my relationship with my mother if she had owned it and offered to help with the damage she had done. I'm not sure... but having her acknowledge things may have prevented this from going on until she passed away.

I don't want to upset you but I can see this from their side and I just want you to know what I think may have helped my mother and I to move to a different chapter

🐬

[fauxartist in reply to Dolphin14]

I hear what you're saying, my friend, and I was also told in therapy that some parents just don't have it in them to love or care. My mother resented me from birth, and I became the object of all her frustrations and perceived failures in life. She is also a sociopath who wasn't capable of acknowledging doing any wrong. She never felt responsible, or showed any remorse even in the last conversation I had with her... so... I stopped putting myself in harms way about 16 years ago now, and never looked back, and also stopped looking for what I didn't have from her in other relationships. Now I am okay, but I knew I would never have my own kids because of the abuse, but my sister did, and was a great mom. She didn't go through what I did though, my mother has remarried, and she was 10 years younger than me.

[Dolphin14 in reply to fauxartist]

Yes our endings with our moms are similar. I always try to look for that happy ending. The " what if" stuff. I'm not sure if it would have worked in my case. My mother had no remorse and took no accountability for what she did.

The poster seems truly sincere in her regrets. Maybe there is a glimmer of hope. She won't know unless she tries

❤️🐬

[fauxartist in reply to Dolphin14]

I hear what your saying... sometimes people can become aware and make the changes they feel they want to. Many can do that... and we also need to let some things go that are never going to change... forgiving yourself is very important to be able to move forward too. If you have had a period of time in your life where you regret how you have been towards others, it's a part of the healing process. But we never have to forgive what others had done to us... that's on them.

[fauxartist]

There are many issues that can contribute to depression, but if you have chronic depression, it's predisposed. And if you have other issues like CPTSD, abuse, trauma, abandonment issues etc., those also contribute to your depression. But I don't believe you brought it onto yourself.

[HisDaughter]

I am very sorry that things are the way they are with your sons and grandchildren!

Sometimes people are unwilling to forgive another person because they are hurting a lot as a result of what that other person did or did not do. It is possible that your sons need emotional healing. It is possible that they just feel a lot of resentful.

You can talk to God about all that has happened and ask Him to help you and bless you. God does not condemn and He is able to change hearts and change lives too.

I believe that guidance from a licensed therapist specialized in families could help a lot and, of course, it would be wonderful if your sons would attend sessions with you.

All of us humans need that God helps us in different ways.

May He guide your heart and your thoughts and your steps and have mercy on you and bless your sons too!