Lost

[Strugglin]

I remember a few months ago, maybe 6 months ago or so, i was up here and there was an elderly lady who lived by herself, and she was very panicked. I could see different people trying to connect with her and give her some encouragement, but nothing seemed to help. I eve n tried a couple of times myself to cheer her up, knowing all too well the challenges that living alone presents. She began to post very frequently and sometimes incoherently. She was terrified. I got that. And quietly, to myself, to be honest, i had a couple of thoughts like "sucks to be you". I'm a ok with solitude and tried to share some of my "be your own best friend" kind of advice but it didn't register i'm afraid. But, sadly, i'm back to report that being your own best friend doesn't quite cut it when it comes to surviving. I have colorectal cancer and a severe case, untreatable case, of agoraphobia. And I had grandiose visions of getting my web developer business going again, since i did that kind of work for decades before moving into mental health and becoming a peer support specialist (after having a couple year battle with substance abuse). It felt great to use my "lived experience" to "help others". But what i've found is that it was a huge mistake. That whole "helping others" things is a tricky bithc. Was i really trying to help them? Or, if i'm honest with myself, was i trying to help myself feel good about myself, as if i was a "good person" because i "helped others" for a "living">?< I'm leaning towards the latter actually. All of my fellow peer support "friends" which replaced all of my former friends, have revealed themselves to be just a fake as a $3 dollar bill. All still addicts. Most of them shacked up with some vulnerable elderly person, pretending to be helping them, when in reality it's the other way around. Using them for shelter, money, drugs, etc. It's pretty disgusting. I had decided i was done with peer support for sure, but what i hadn't considered is how all of my "friends" now are from the "recovery" world. And they aren't friends at all, nor are they in active recovery, they're in active addiction, just as dysfunctional and probably actually even more so, than the real friends that i cut out of my life when i moved into the "recovery" line of work thinking (at that time), some connections are better off closed. Because these old friends of mine still used, i thought it prudent to cut them out of my life. And now look at me? Surrounded by even worse addicts who happened to pretend to help people for a few years. Now collecting disability checks and laying on some old dude's couch all day watching netflix, strung out on pills. That's a depressing kind of realizating, knowing that i wasted the last 7 years of my life on lie. I wrote this earlier on facebook about my "peer support" experience if you care to read it:

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I was thinking about what my neighbor said earlier, when he was kind enough to give me that $15 for gas so i can get to the grocery store another few times before i'm completely stranded , about not spending it on drugs. And i know he meant well and intended it as a show of concern for my well-being, so i’m not offended or even surprised by it at all. But this is the kind of shit they don’t tell you about when you become a peer support specialist, and put your whole life history on public display “to help others”. I’m here to tell you, you’re making a mistake. People will always see you as a drug addict once you open up and own those chapters of your life publicly, doesn’t matter how much success you have in your recovery, people will still see you was just another useless addict, ALLWAYS. They should tell people that up front in the Peer Employment Training

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So yeah, no real hope for finding any type of income it doesn't appear. I setup a GoFundMe and poured my soul out to the world thinking maybe there are a few "pay it forward" types out there in the world, but nhope. Not one dollar, not one comment, or question, Not one. I won't bother sharing it here, the admins would proably think i'm trying to exploit people or something. But i was just asking for a couple of hundred dollars toward the power bill and basic human dignity types of needs like adult diapers, toilet paper, things that food stamps won't buy. Since i'm not married with no kids i don't qualify for any types of assistance apparently besides a free phone and data through QLink Wireless and Food Stamps. And even if i qualified for medicaid, which i don't, i despise doctors and allready have over $100,000 in medical bills that i'll never be able to pay. Disability? Nope. Not an option. Doctors. Agoraphobia. Simple as that. So the walls are closing in on me with the peak heat of the summer coming in and i'm feeling much more like that old lady who was up here panicking a few months ago. Don't know what i'm going to do, but panicking is not going to help, that much i'm sure of. But, thought i'd share this. Wonder how many others will find themselves in this same boat eventually. With gas so expensive and having zero dollars to my name and no income and no potential for income as it would appear, i'm officially screwed. The closes thing that i've gotten to good advice was from a DSS worker i spoke with the other day who said if it got really bad, to call adult protective services and "self report". I thanked him for that because i never would have thought of it. No family. No friends. No kids to come take care of me. That's my life. And ironically enough, i'm not at all depressed. it's kind of like this sobering realizing to know that everyone in your life is an absolute fake, and not willing to life a finger to help you, the acceptance of that has brought me tremendous peace. But it still doesn't fix my money problem. Sure would be nice to live in a world where you didn't have to worry about these types of things. Where every human life mattered, and NO ONE was LEFT ALONE to DIE by THEMSELF because they can't afford to pay their power bill.

I've been posting updates on facebook, but feel like that guy that Tom Cruise was describing in the movie Collateral. He tells Jamie Foxx about this dead guy on a subway train, just doing laps around L.A., and nobody even notices him. Took them a day or two to even pay him a second look. That's exactly what it feels like sharing this kind of stuff on facebook. There's nothing human at all about facebook or anyone who i've ever met who is addicted to facebook.

[Blueruth]

Your story makes me sad because I fear I might be there with you and yet we could draw comfort from our common dilemma like Eleanor rigby and the priest. Perhaps the higher purpose of you being here. But I do have some thoughts….“Was i really trying to help them? Or, if i'm honest with myself, was i trying to help myself feel good about myself, as if i was a "good person" because i "helped others" for a "living">?< I'm leaning towards the latter actually. “

Both? Who cares if you are all getting something from it? Can you flip the script?

On income…. Go fund me is bs. Honestly you seem to suffer from lack of purpose via inability to do what you think you should be doing. Even if the system prevents you from doing that low wage job you could volunteer. Based on the last statement I think you care. That alone could take you somewhere in a volunteer role.

Netflix…mindless garbage. Apple is cheaper and quality. Get off Netflix.

[Strugglin in reply to Blueruth]

That’s helpful blueRuth. Just to know that you can empathize is a start. I think the agoraphobia is the real kicker for people. It’s just not well understood, especially the severity of it that I have. Even if I had the gas, which I don’t, I’m just not able to be around people anymore, to do volunteering, which i’ve done in the past, but is no longer an option, not only because of the agoraphobia, but even more than that because of the colorectal cancer, which i plan to try to survive as long as i can with, all without any medical treatment/assistance. I don’t need any more doctors. Officially done with them. I think you do you have a point about purpose. I’m not trying to make anybody sad or anything. Just sharing my story honestly and openly. There aren’t any easy fixes for this one. As far as purpose and employment , if there is such a thing, web developing is it for me. That’s what I’ve done for a long time and what I’m good at, but that seven-year break to pursue “helping others“ unfortunately has made getting back into that looking less and less likely unless something miraculous changes. Whatever it is that I do for income, it’s gonna have to be work from home. And I live in a camper out in the middle of nowhere, with a free cell phone and free data which I’m grateful for, but I don’t have the high speed dedicated Internet connection that most employers require for work from home jobs . So I have a feeling that people will make suggestions and I’ll come back with what sound like excuses, but they’re not excuses at all, they’re legitimate facts. But thank you for your input. If you can relate with this and it resonates in any way then my heart goes out to you.

[Blueruth in reply to Strugglin]

I’m glad! Just to know someone that cares enough for others makes me happy! I work in IT too. I’m actually starting to share my knowledge with other via Reddit and small mentor opportunities. That could be something. Some motivation is self serving tbh. I want more women at the company I work for. Besides sheer “it’s the right thing to do” I work with a bunch of white men and it can be exhausting at times! Maybe you could combine your web experience and desire to help others in some way. I have no ideas. Just a thought. Keep talking. Sometimes that is the spark.

[Hidden]

Hmmm a lot to unpack on your post. I’ll read it thoroughly. Thank you.

[Daveacr1959]

I have had to battle cancer. It started 2-1/4 years and my life was changed radically. It’s in my profile. I think the state has to help you with free health care. Please get on it and fight it. Things that help me. I start every morning with the Wim Hof guided breathing exercises free on you tube. The beginners round. Once you can do it do it twice back to back. They have a 5 round for later. Cardio exercise burns off anxiety and depression. And here is a big help. Go in cold water daily. A shower or bath or dunk in the lake. A big tub of ice water to dunk your head and face a few times in a row. Then 5 minutes on your hands and feet.

[Strugglin in reply to Daveacr1959]

Thank you for sharing that. I’m happy for you that you’ve been able to remain optimistic and stay ahead of it. I’ve definitely found, as you have, that staying physically active is beneficial. The difference I guess, is that I don’t deal with depression. I do get occasional anxiety though. And a physical activity routine of some kind is most helpful. I’m curious, if someone like me who was unable to be around people, including doctors, (hospitals and doctors offices being one of my most feared of all places, literally cannot step foot inside one), I wonder if there is, how did you put that, free public assistance, for people like me? My way of fighting it is going to differ from yours, and that’s OK. It’s probably not possible for you to understand what living with crippling agoraphobia is like in combination with cancer. So if I were in your shoes, and did not have the fear, the crippling debilitating excruciating phobia of being around any people at all, doctors being up at the very top of that list, then I would be pursuing all kinds of public medical care like everyone else with cancer does. But I can’t do that. I won’t do that. All doctors have done for me is make things worse, and I’m at the end of my rope with all doctors. Period. But I still need to survive as long as i’m alive. Is that really the deciding factor? If you’re willing to go subject yourself to the medical system, then you get assistance. And if you don’t, well, here I am, telling you that if you don’t, society will just let you die, suffering, and alone. And that’s OK, i guess. But I don’t think people are aware of that. I know I wasn’t. But I’m finding out quickly, that’s exactly how it works. But I’m glad things are going well for you . And I sincerely appreciate you opening up about parts of your story that I know are not easy to talk about.

[Daveacr1959 in reply to Strugglin]

I don’t have depression either, anxiety though. I will try to address your question about agoraphobia and fear of drs. I too am scared of drs . But I am not ready to lay down and check out. So my blood pressure is through the roof when I am in the medical places. And if I kick of a heart attack I went out fighting… I went out fighting.. fighting for the most precious, unexplainable thing on the planet… life .

They have strong medicine for you to calm you down. They can give you a Xanax to take on the ride there . And a shot of Ativan at the hospital. They know how to deal with overly anxious people.

As far as the state free health care. They even give you free car rides to and from the hospital and drs visits. I know a guy who drives the people on free health care. They even have free group homes .

Try the breathing exercises… try the cold water.. do the physical activity. See if it helps and go from there

Please read my profile it’s been no cake walk

[Strugglin in reply to Daveacr1959]

I admire your spiri.t. You definitely understand more than 99% of people, no doubt about that. I will review your profile. Thank you for taking the time.

[Strugglin in reply to Strugglin]

I should probably add, for context, a little bit more about my living situation. No washer, no dryer. I handwash all my clothes. Air dry them. No refrigerator nor freezer for 4 months now. 42 foot camper with almost no insulation. Humidity levels up and down outside equals humidity levels up and down inside. Pure hell on the sinuses. Takes an immense amount of electricity to keep a 25square foot area cool. Gas stove for cooking. Dwinding gas supply. No financial means or resources for refilling LP gas tank. When it runs out, I'll no longer be able to cook, except for the microwave, until the electricity is cut off. One pot, one spoon, one spatula, no plates, no sliverware. No knives (lol, or guns either). One frying pan, 2 lids. No transportation due to unaffordable gas prices and no income. Car is on it's last leg. Stranded in complete isolation with no support network, no friends, no family. They make tv shows about this shit and people are extremely entertained by it, but if you ever find yourself in this position it will be much less entertaining, i assure you. You gotta have a fighting spirit to survive. Most do not. They want a pill and a friend's shoulder to cry on. Maybe a handout or a bail out. Never solves the problem. The question is can you stand on your own two feet, all by yourself?...or not? I guess I'll find out if i can or if i cannot, but if i gotta go out like this, i'm going down swinging. And I got a lot of hefty complaints to lodge against the medical, mental healthcare, and "hope & recovery" industries, having worked for all 3.

[Angelagrace]

I read your whole story . Your honesty and humility are admirable in my eyes. Im a single mom who struggles immensely myself but the Man Upstairs never ever lets me do without ,not once has He ever let me down . I have a heart for people, all people, and animals too . We are blessed so that in return we can bless others, whether that be time, money, material needs or just an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on. Hope it helps just a little ❤️. Blessings

[Strugglin in reply to Angelagrace]

I appreciate that little genuine gold nugget of sincerity and kindness. And the man upstairs has never let me down either. He guides me, he guides me, every step, every word. Lost every human relationship in the process, but that’s OK. The creators beside me. And that’s all that matters.