Some people go through life not understanding what their purpose is. I do not actually believe there is a purpose for the majority of the population. Society labels us as consumers. I do not want to exist as such.
Years have passed while I have sank into depression. I have gone past thinking that I may eventually have a life worth living. Those days have been buried. Today, and inevitably every day beyond fills me with dread. I have lost any willpower to pursue my crushed and broken dreams, and now I search the internet for simple solutions that could erase me.
I do not have friends left. I have self destructed so long that they have all walked away or been pushed away if they were not clever enough to go voluntarily. My spiral has cost me a few jobs and I am not interested in looking for another just to repeat my implosive history.
I live for my dog because he has been instrumental in alleviating some of my anxiety and stress. Thing is, he is getting older and I do not want to deal with his death. I already can not afford his health care or my own and the most recent job loss is not going to offer much assistance.
I think the point I am trying to make is that I want out. I do not value my life. With no friends and a family that I have long since disassociated with, who other than my dog would notice my absence.
Many religious types of people have tried to spin some positivity by sharing all the wonderful things their fantasy god has enabled them to accomplish, but as you may already have discovered, I do not have faith in organized religion or illusory beings.
I do think of suicide often. What would be the result ; the government would lose a person that pays minimal taxes, and the local vendors would see a combined annual drop of a few thousand dollars. My family might express some sadness but they are and have been essentially strangers most of my life. I am alone and not a pillar of any community. My existence is a drain.
I joined this forum with no expectations. I wanted to express how worthless I feel and see what comes of it. I do not want to die, but I have so few reasons to want to live.
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The purpose of life for everyone including you is to evolve to a higher form. Just as Darwin explained how plants, animals and insects are evolving in physical form so our essential self is evolving. Unfortunately much of this progress takes place through our reaction to hardship. Thus we advance to a higher form or sometimes regress. This takes many attempts until we approach perfection: you may have met or read about such individuals who are approaching that final stage. What happens when that point is reached, the next step, nobody knows. Like it or ridicule it that is the reason for our existence. You have complete free will to make of it what you want. I am sorry your life is filled with negativity at the moment but that will change as a new job and new fellow travellers present themselves. Well you did ask.
Thank you. Your point is not so clear but I appreciate you reaching out. The reason I wrote anything at all was to empty my head of the negativity and maybe review it once I had some sleep. Upon rereading what I wrote as well as what others have said, I feel slightly better. I do not feel as alone even though I have not actually discovered any friendships here. While that is not my finite goal, I would be very glad to have a partner, or several partners in misery. Perhaps the misery my partners have will allow me to be more outward thinking and I will gain new reasons for being. A sense of belonging and hope is what I am looking for even if good things do not happen for me and I live vicariously through someone else for the time being.
To become wiser, kinder and stronger and devoid of selfishness. To discover the meaning of unconditional love. This takes several lifetimes to achieve but is what the Light of the world wants and you can't argue with Him.This may sound like crazy stuff but that's the story. Thank Heaven it's not my job to convince others that this is the truth.
Hello. I totally understand where you are coming from, I have many similar feelings. Please don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s good that you reached out on here, keep doing that. Everyone loves inspirational stories and Hollywood from-rags-to-riches stories about people. The reality is that a lot of people out there are suffering from depression and other mental health issues and it can be overwhelming just trying to survive in todays world. Give yourself a pat on the back for every effort you try to make, even if you don’t think it matters that much. Be your own cheerleader. If it’s too difficult to try to hold down a job, and I am going through that too, try to get disability and try to do some kind of volunteer work where you are helping other people. Maybe visiting people in hospitals or doing something to help people who are homeless. I like how Maya Angelou talks about our purpose as being the rainbow in someone else’s cloud. I enjoy trying to reach out to people like you on this website and God knows I have my own set of troubles too. Don’t give up hope that your life can be better. Can you try to reconnect with anyone in your family??? What can you do to try to create new friendships??? You are welcome to send me a personal message if you want to. This pandemic we all went through and that we are all coming out of has done a number on everyone’s mental health. Try to get involved in some activities to get out of being isolated and alone.🙂
I do not pretend that I am alone in feeling so bummed all the time. You and I may share many of the same predicaments and for that I am glad. I do not wish you to struggle because it is so debilitating but my gladness is because someone sees my concerns and does not dismiss me. I also do not wish to struggle and you made some very real possible avenues for my isolation.
To respond to the family related stuff, I can not reconnect with people I do not know. I did not grow up with a strong familial core .. no annual gatherings divided amongst the aunts and uncles. Growing up in a family that moved often I was not close to anyone. The friends I made were always temporary as I would move on every few years and lose all those bonds. I suppose I could have tried to keep in better contact but I was always the outsider and I had no roots. The day to day stuff matters in developing a relationship and I was gone for years or never to return.
I honestly believe I have great skill at making initial friendships, but then my morose attitude and pessimistic outlook tend to make me difficult to be around constantly. The self destruction ... unintentional as it is, it still causes people to distance themselves and that continues the spiral.
Oh my. I know well the feeling of meaninglessness. But is it absolutely ever known what the meaning of life is? Victor Frankl wrote about creating our own meaning. Depression itself is part of life. Chronic depression has no meaning in my opinion.
So let the lost self be, until the light shines through. I'm restarting again from ashes. Its not an easy road, but it is always possible that I can heal. You can heal. Maybe meaning will come to us a little further down the road. Your dog loves you. My cat kept me going too when Noone else was there.
You are worthy no matter how you feel. We are here for you.
Thank you for saying something .. I read a post of yours before I unleashed my word salad and it hit me as pathetic as my own. I mean no disrespect of course, It was inspiring to say the least. I do hope your rebuild is filled with more positives than negatives.
I have hit rock bottom so many times that I have to keep adjusting what I feel is the bottom. The expression “cant get any worse” never seemed to apply to me. I desire to climb from this pit of ashes and be in the sunlight once again. Perhaps we will bump into each other on our way up. That would be comforting.
I do a lot of thinking, that is true. Some might even consider it to be over thinking. Whether by my own design or not, I spend much of my time in solitude and that allows for the thoughts to take over.
I am very curious about life after death but I do not believe that is what you were asking. If I am interpreting it correctly you want to understand what I think is keeping me breathing. The answer is my dog, and I do not want my mother to know that I killed myself. I would never want her to wonder why.
It is a small reason but it is a reason just the same. What has me playing with the idea of my mortality is that all things eventually die including the things that are currently my lifelines.
Hi, I'm very new here, only signed up yesterday. I've just checked the new posts and this is the first I've read... I must say: 'who are you that I feel I am just talking to myself here?' And as you are another person it does feel good, it feels someone understands me, someone can see me... The one significant difference is your dog: I do not have a dog but I have 2 lovely girls instead. What you are writing here is crazy familiar to me. It is all very sad from the outsider point of view, of course, and I hope, no one misunderstands me. I also truly respect you reaching out for help or just telling what and how you feel. Reading your messages gives me a feeling of connection, even without knowing you, talking to you. I appreciate this. Thank you. All the best to you and definitely wishing you inner peace.
Quite amazing to be sure .. the more I look around the more normal I feel. I certainly do not feel normal by any stretch but I no longer see myself as a broken human. I appreciate you taking the time to write to me and I am happy also to respond to you .. look at us doing normal things
I wish my story was not so commonplace for both our sakes. The mention of children just makes things even more the same .. although I currently do not reside with mine. A whole heap of trouble and shame and guilt and remorse and hate and betrayal involved with that story which is really how I came to be here. I hope you have a good relationship with your girls because if there was ever a reason and a purpose to someones life, kids are certainly at the top of almost any list.
Sometimes I am amazed by how much some people's lives and feelings and thoughts are similar to mine. In my case, depression has been the cause of them.
I am very glad you said you feel slightly better now! That is wonderful!
Life is not easy. Many people will agree.
In my case, intense depression made me feel that my life was worthless and purposeless and a waste. My inability to have many accomplishments convinced me that my life did not have value and I had no value.
Many times when the pain from depression was very intense, I would go to my bed and just close my eyes and rest until I would feel better and that was also my way of avoiding attempting against my life.
But I discovered that playing Christian music or listening to Christian sermons while I was in bed suffering and crying helped me very much. The words I would hear were very powerful.
Not everybody has a loving family. Not everybody has lots of good friends, either. And, not everybody has a romantic partner all the time.
I know those things from experience. But I know also that not everybody is as happy as they seem, either.
We are not the only ones who suffer a lot! We are not alone. You are not alone.
I think the book "The Purpose-Driven Life" (by Rick Warren) is a good suggestion.
God gives me joy and peace and hope and I thank Him for that. I just wish depression would go away forever instead of always coming back sooner or later.
It can be hard for you to believe it sometimes, but that doesn't change the truth that your existence is very important and your life is sacred.
You are a precious human being! Each one of us is very valuable and each one of us matters a lot.
You seem very smart and you sound mature too. I believe you would benefit from meeting regularly with a licensed counselor and I hope you are able to do that, if you are not already.
Our own negative thoughts harm us sometimes. But I know that some very real unideal aspects of our lives can get us very down too. I am sorry about all the bad things in your life!
You've been strong! You've been brave! You've been wise! I hope you always love yourself and I hope that soon you feel much, much better every day.
Many thanks for the great positive message. As I did mention somewhere, my mind is more lucid and my thoughts have lightened. I know I have a journey ahead and it has been great to feel loved even if it is by strangers. For years I tormented in silence and solitude.
With two recommendations for a book, I will endeavour to check the library and read it. I could certainly use as much perspective as is available to me.
I have caused as many of the bad things in my life as have been thrust upon me. I think it would be fair to say the stuff being thrust in my direction was overwhelming and led to breakdowns. I know the cycle is not over yet so I am doing what I can to mitigate the damage. I am glad that my reaching out brought some very warm people into my life.
Life is a gift from god and he has a purpose for your life. Think in the moment not tomorrow and think positive.I have been in the darkest hole and fully understand how you feel.Now I’m healthy and well, why, I sought help got the proper meds and told myself I’m gonna beat this and I did with gods help.You sir can do the same I assure you.
Good evening :)Hmm, interesting! What do you mean by their fantasy god? I have never heard of such a thing! One thing that I do know for sure in this world of hurt; is (I wish more of us had/and reached out for,) we all need faith/ hope/love, and peace. We can only achieve that by taking that first very uncomfortable step of faith and believing/ trusting that there is another one out there who knows exactly what you are going through. There are so many of us people in this ol' broken world who are thinking like you and me... The only way we can make things happen for the better is by, we need to make the choice for ourselves. No one can fix your problem or my problem or anyone else's problem. We ALL have to make that choice for ourselves! BUT if you seriously desire help and want to work towards making your life better for yourself, then there are many, many support groups around, and probably some in your community. You can call your local Community Health Center, your doctor can recommend one, a lot of pastors open up their churches to support groups during the week so you can call up some churches and see what support groups might be held there.
One other thing that I believe helps us to heal and overcome our troubles; Reaching out to others who are less fortunate than we are. "Helping Others, Is Really Helping Ourselves."
You love your dog so much, how about getting out and, go volunteer at the Animal Shelter? Maybe you have some other interests... Do you like crafts, how about visiting lonely nursing home residents? In-home visits to shut-in people? Maybe you like children, how about going and volunteering at Children's Hospital for those kids who might need a little more extra attention? How about volunteering down at the local homeless shelter?...? So many other things out there that you can do to help yourself by helping others.
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