My idiotic problems 09.06

[Against_the_current]

I missed my new therapy because i can't break up with my old, she's not letting me and i feel bad about not ending it. Even got a new friend and lost her because of this and my idiotic problems with therapists, parents etc. Nightmares of mom and dad again. Always anxious. Went to the pharmacy for meds for my gisestion and found nice stuff on sale, bought it and now feel bad and scared that i won't have enough money or that i gave it for bs. I'm litterary scared of paying the bill. I somethimes even starved myself because i'm scared of paying the bill. Bills scare me. And my parents scare me. And asking my parents for money scares me. And dealing with therapists scare me. I'm so mad at myself that i missed my appointment because of dealing with my previous one. It really really hurts how my friend said - How the hell you can have 2 therapists?! And have them and still have these idiotic problems?! And still act insane?! You have 2 therapists and are still insane ". I'm feeling so guilty that i couldn't go to therapy, guilty for not being able to break up with my current therapist, guilty for buying stuff, guilty for being insane*, guilty for not getting over my trauma. I'm a good person, at least i used to be, but my trauma i can't get over, it's making everything hard, it's making me have panic attacks in the supermarket, it's making me overthink everything. And i'm tired. I have exams. Yesterday exam then 20 pages for Tommorrow. I'm sick of Psychology. And this friend she knew i'm agoraphobic but made me go to her house every day to study together. And i went. Cause she can't study alone. Or because she wanted to see me. It was litterary 3am and she said I can't stay there because her boyfriend (Who is in the UK) would feel jelaous of me and check us up every few minutes, and i had to go home at 3am being scared as hell. Well, at least she came but it's so weird - one day she's calling you to come asap, she's paniced and high, you're swinging in the play ground like kids, you're walking around the city at 3am, buying street food, telling me i'm perfect, exchanging books and clothes and the next day she says i'm crazy and i'm not giving her what she wants. I still have her stuff. But well this doesn't matter, i will return it, i will work on myself, i already grieve one friend so no space for her. But what worries me is that i overthink everything. And i'm so tired. I'm feeling so guilty about my mental illness, about my therapist problems, about buying stuff. (I can bear others illnesses but Who can bear mine). I feel so guilty for everything i spend. I feel so guilty that i'm traumatized. I feel so guilty that i'm acting the way trauma makes ppl act. I feel so guilty for not getting adequate Treatment. I feel so guilty like said "having 2 therapists and being that insane". I never judged her, even when she dropped out and did drugs. But i judge myself. I'm so tired. Why is it so hard? With therapists? With people? With buying stuff? With parents? With calming? Thanks for reading

[TailWags]

I think people with depression and anxiety are more empathetic than other people. This makes everything harder. Plus the tendency to replay stuff in your head. I am talking in general.here. this applies generally to people with depression and anxiety. At least it seems that way to me. Mental problems make everything harder and some people dont understand that

[Against_the_current in reply to TailWags]

For real

[TailWags in reply to Against_the_current]

No kidding. I have been having a rough time of it for a while now and a friend just called. I know she is trying to help but just said all the wrong things. Lately i dont even want to talk to.people who dont understand. I feel too out of sorts and fragile to deal with it. They wont understand that either.

[Against_the_current in reply to TailWags]

I feel you

[TailWags in reply to Against_the_current]

So glad i found this chat site.

[Against_the_current in reply to TailWags]

Me too