Seeking help in being support for another

[BishopInColorado]

Hi. I have a romantic partner who lives with treatment resistant GAD and social anxiety, depression, ADHD, and PTSD from past trauma. We've been dating for about 18 months and I continue to struggle with being her support. I feel completely unequipped to do this, and not even sure if I understand what it means to be in the "support network" for someone with mental illness without living with constant distress myself and wrecking our relationship.

In a resent Google search, I found an article published on therecoveryvillage.com about "How to Help Someone With Generalized Anxiety Disorder" (which includes 7 ways to support a loved one). Point #3 stated simply to "Seek Help" in order to avoid burn out. Where do I find this support? Is this online community meant for that? And what am I supposed to be doing in supporting them? I try to listen, encourage self-care, give them words of encouragement when they don't feel like they're low, etc.; but my partner insists that I need to find strategies to help them, and I don't know what that means. I need help!

[AnxiousSilver]

F&F, welcome to this site.

Second, I think it's cool that you are open to wanting to help your GF.

.

About me, I'm 46, and I've had GAD pretty much my whole life to a certain degree.

GAD is kinda hard to treat because what works for one person, does not work for another.

The other stuff I've had at times to a certain degree, (especially depression swings) but my biggest issue is GAD.

& There's a whole lot of treatment advice out there. Some of it works, and some of it doesn't work.

It's basically this on and off constant anxiety that can can feel mild (like whenever you feel slightly uncomfortable or nervous)

or it can feel SEVERE like that (high anxiety feeling of slamming on your brakes and just avoiding an accident)

and sometimes you can feel totally calm in between the anxiety waves.

.

What usually causes GAD are:

Triggers (maybe she has a phobia)

Negative thoughts

and

Stress

There's more, but those are the most common.

[BishopInColorado in reply to AnxiousSilver]

Thank you for sharing, Silver. What expectations would you have a loved one to "support" you in your anxiety - other than to listen and be informed? I'm starting to feel like my GF second therapist and I don't know if that right.

[AnxiousSilver in reply to BishopInColorado]

This is hard to answer, because everybody has their issues/hangups.

& What bothers one person, is the opposite for another.

For example - Some people with anxiety hate crowds, yet others hate being alone and don't mind being around others.

Some people hate the dark, but others get bothered by certain florescent lights and can get anxious by that.

There's so many flip-flop opposite examples that I could give you ATM. (& stuff that you would never think of that would bother somebody else, since it doesn't bother you kinda things)

.

But to try to make things simple - Try to figure out what people, places, situations, topics, ETC make her anxious and stress her out. & Try to be supportive with that.

For example - maybe she likes to eat at restaurants, but something inside the restaurant is causing her bad anxiety and she needs to get outside for some air for a bit. Ask her if she wants you to go out there with her, or if she wants to be alone for a few minutes? (and BTW, let the table server know that you're not skipping out on the bill if you do go outside lol)

But.. It's kinda things like that. Figure out what things stress her out or make her feel anxious, and ask her what you can do to help her out.

Preferably ask her this ahead of time when she is calm, because in the heat of the moment, she's going to be more irrational and trying to survive/calm down, so she might snap at you.

(Again) Ask her what things cause her anxiety and stress, and work out a plan together when she is calm to help her in those situations ahead of time.

.

*Real Talk* - I think that it's awesome that you're trying to help her.

If you're patient and stick with it, she'll (probably) appreciate what you're trying to do.

Finally, hit me up with any other questions/tips either here or in a PM.

I can't say that I can accurately answer all of your questions (since everyone is different), but I'll try to help you out.

[AnxiousSilver]

What you can do?

Well.. For starters, (if you really want to be there) is be patient with her.

Try telling her, that you don't understand what she is going through, but you are there for her. (as in things that she wants to tell you about how she's feeling, or just being there physically around her and accepting what she is going through)

Eventually, she might need to try meds, therapy, group therapy ETC. But she needs to be the one to make that decision. You can suggest, but you can't force her, otherwise there will probably be push back.

.

In the mean time, there are PLENTY OF TOPICS HERE that talk about what she is going through, and feel free to browse them.

I wish both you are her the best, but (again) it's hard to recommend things since everybody manages their anxiety differently.

Recap - Be patient. Be there for her. & Hopefully she is open to the possibility of meds, therapy, or group therapy.

Take care.

[RupertBrown]

My wife was diagnosed with anxiety/depression over 10 years ago. I have my own issues. Only advice I can give you is watch out for "caregiver fatigue". Make sure you're minding your own mental health. Give yourself time that's just for you now and then. Just to read, engage in a hobby, whatever. You need that time to recharge. You're no good to her if you're burnt out. Make no mistake, it can be a juggling act sometimes. Anyway, kudos for educating yourself and for doing what you can to help!