So.many of us fight loneliness for one reason or another. I am one of those who lifelong felt on the outside. I fell into a major depression which has lasted for the last 5years. Some of you are familiar with my story. I became treatment resistant and know just why Naomi Judd took the actions she took. I was almost there.
Finally I found a med that works for me. I still feel lonely and full of grief about my life, but med helps to block out the rumination. I am moving on. I started a women's group where I am one of 25 members in a very active group. Its still a challenge for me to be out but I know its part of my healing journey. Its no use pretending its easy coming back out, but I want to give out hope. This came so unexpected, with no forewarning of the change. Its worth the effort.
I am alone this holiday weekend and I wish all of us some peace during this time. 💚
Written by
samack
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The alone part is very hard for me. I work from home. I have no friends in the area. My family lives far enough away that itis hard for us to get together at times. I have recently started meds and am having trouble finding one that works too. I spent the majority of this evening trying to find a therapist only to be put on wait list after wait list after wait list. It's getting harder and harder to get out of my house and I am reaching out for help like a drowning woman. I too will be alone for the holiday, Alone most everyday. Your story gives me a little of my hope back. Thank you.
I know, days turn to weeks turn to months. Soon years go by. Some say that there's a meaning to everything we go through. I say, not really. Only since last January I started to feel better. I didn't move on until April when I had a leap of inspiration. I guess it shows me that even when you think you know where life is going you can be surprised.
Regarding meds, it is a nightmare going on a nd coming off them constantly. I didn't have a day I felt well. Now I struggle with low grade anxiety and depression, but can finally access self care. Being alone is so tough. You'll make it over the med obstacle, that was primary for me. Write me any time.
I know that place. I'd like to say there was something non-medical that helped, but I couldn't get there without meds. Now the other interventions are possible. So stopping ruminations is a huge challenge on your own. Be kind with yourself, use this site for support
I finally had to take medication- I recently had a severe bout of anxiety that stopped me from working and functioning in my personal life.The medications I was on did not help. They aggravated my symptoms and made my anxiety worse
I felt a lot better once I was taken off of them. Even though my journey with medication hasn’t been helpful I am still trying to find what works best for me. That trial and error of it is frustrating and can feel like there isn’t any solution in sight.
When there's a holiday it makes me feel worse because everyone else seems to b with family or friends or significant other but I just sit here alone but got to try to move on or just try to go out alone
BillI absolutely know how hopeless that feels. If you can go out alone, all the more power to you. Holidays can be the loneliest time. I came here on this site a year ago as the Memorial Day weekend started a summer of excruciating pain. I wish I could say something wiser other than stick to your treatment. Do the best you can and no more is required. Reach out to this site as you are.
I almost always feel alone even when I am with my family. The odd one out. But I try and sometimes I just go off and do my iwn thing. Rumination, regrets we all have them. For me it is my children. I wonder if I was a good enough mother as I dealt with depression and anxiety. But they are grown and are good, caring adults so I go there less and less.
I will be alone this weekend too. So you aren't alone. We are here.
I know about feeling different, even within the family. We question everything and everyone. What we've done and what we haven't done. We'll be ok somehow, with the choice to heal. Thanks for responding.
Just reading everyone's stories is helpful, makes me feel less alone. I stopped doing family functions recently bcus I feel so different from them. I feel I should try to get back into spending time with them tho and try not to think about it so much and just enjoy myself with them. Thanks for sharing everyone 😊
Hello samack, glad to hear you found something that works for you, i'm curious what med it was. Rumination is not a fun experience, I seem to go along really well for extended periods of time and then get triggered and slip into the rumination hole and it sucks. It's amazing to me how the ruminations bring up all kinds of unreal and distorted thoughts and it can be a painful demoralizing experience, I feel sorry for anyone going through it. I too think meds can help, if not eliminate it at least make it easier to cope and recover quicker. For me it's also a sign to love and nurture myself even more but sometimes it just sucks.
Everyone is different. I'm on a cocktail of meds which did nothing until I added lexapro. Life wasted ruminating is Hell. I was like that for years. You're fortunate you can do self care. Thats one step ahead. Keep going.
I get it. Loneliness is always there and creeps up on me all the time especially at night. I always feel great when I’m outside and talking to people, but coming back home and being alone is tough and weighs me down
Hey, I've been going through a similar thing for about the same amount of time. It's really hard to crawl out of, especially when you don't have the proper support networks (which are IMPOSSIBLE to develop and maintain when you're in the throes of depression and outsiders observing the isolation DON'T get it. Like, they think our loneliness is self-imposed and we need to just brush the dust off and immediately be at some place of sustainable accountability to formulate these connections, which is beyond unrealistic and is entirely unfair.) But it's like, HOWWWW does one emerge from this without the support? The depression just spurs the continuation of a really nasty cycle of loneliness, self-sabotage, destructive behaviour, and without even ONE person glued to your side throughout the process makes it incredibly difficult to push on. I pushed away my biggest supporter by making him my only support because I didn't have the tools or capacity to seek out other supporters... and now I wrongly feel abandoned, which feels like a really selfish emotion, but I also feel that feeling that way is also short-sighted and a form of self-sabotage too... It feels like a tightrope walk sometimes honestly.
Holidays are verrryyyy rough, and usually I contemplate suicide around them as I've continued to spend the past few alone. And that's every major holiday (July 4th, Memorial Day, Easter, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas...) I think I'll be okay for Memorial Day this year, but I'm absolutely petrified as to what I'll be doing July 4th... For whatever reason I get especially suicidal that holiday.
Aside from the holidays, I feel like I'm missing out on my ex, on my friends, on some kind of family. I'm at this point where I just feel completely unworthy of love because I still don't have all the right tools to pull myself out of this, but I feel like this is a good start.
I hope you make it through the holidays okay. I have an idea of what you're going through. I'm happy to hear that you've got some support now (:
you said it perfectly. Memorial Day weekends are the worst for me. T he beginning of summer and all. I get suicidal in my thoughts. One year I packed a bag to enter a hospital because I couldn't cope anymore. (I ended up not going). But this time it should be better as I mysteriously am finding new networks. I wish I could say how, as advice fell on deaf ears. How can you cope all alone. Write me anytime on these weekends.
I thought about packing a bag several times this week and going to the ER for interventional therapy. I've gone one other time to no serious avail... it just felt like a prison... But this time at least, despite how ineffective I felt my initial visit was, the thought of going somewhere where I knew I was safe from inflicting any injury upon myself was very comforting. I honestly thought about doing it today, but I'm trying to do a lot of small, communal things for myself to try and build supports and work on my confidence to get myself out of the rest of the muck... And the entirety of this emotion is especially frustrating because I thought I was on a path of healing, but one trigger shattered my newfound, developing sense of security and plummeted me back to where I was before...
So I've been frantically seeking out support and trying to be accountable for everything because no one else is going to be able to help me unless I continue making serious efforts to improve myself.
In my past relationship, I thought dating someone who was outstanding and unconditionally supportive was going to be enough, but it wasn't. I NEEDED to put in more work at the time to sustain myself and the relationship at the time, but literally did not have the capacity to seek out help. I even stigmatised it. Now I know it's irrefutably necessary to lead a healthy life, because if you don't, you're just going to keep on pushing people away...
That's why I've reached out to several specific online support networks, because it's hard to make someone who hasn't been through certain things fully understand your plight. It's frustrating when you don't feel understood on the level you need. You also need to remind yourself that instead of retreating further into yourself when you don't feel understood is to either make yourself feel constructively understood or to seek out networks of people that could help you heal your ultra-specific wounds.
Another huge thing I learned is the importance of altering expectations, as they're very inhibitory and limiting. Like I said earlier, I put grandiose expectations on someone who hadn't experienced the gauntlet of trauma that I had undergone, and I would repeatedly feel some degree of anger when I didn't feel understood. Like, I expected someone to essentially be my saviour... that breeds a VERY problematic relational dynamic...
From everything I've learned from this experience, I think that one of the biggest first steps to healing is to find people that understand you. I've only been on this site since yesterday and the level of comfort to see that I'm not the only one going through this illness makes me feel less alone.
I'm really glad that you shared your post. Pleeeaaseee reach out if you need help getting through the weekend!!
I see how much insight you have, and I know for me, who also experienced trauma, that is not enough. Go to your activities today, if you still feel as bad, there's nothing wrong with putting yourself in the hospital to feel safe. Do you have suicide hot line numbers? You WILL get over this. Find a trauma informed therapist. Continue to reach out. We are here for you. And thank goodness for this site. Let me know how the day goes.
It’s brave of you to share this with others. Continue spreading hope to others as it helps in your own healing as well as theirs. All the best in the years to come and best in your journey.
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