how can i overcome shame?

[BellaBaker]

I am quite a sexually liberal person, and am also safety conscious and very careful about who I generally have contact with. But recently I have found a lot of shame in my actions and I don't know how best to overcome them. I would never shame a friend like I do myself, and I know that I am not doing anything wrong.....so why do I blame myself so much and berate myself for actions that may be occasionally a little less controlled than normal?

[coolkitty1934]

simple you are your own worst enemy sadly both you and i know this better than we should.I have a couple ideas tho every morning write down things you like about yourself or even better tell a friend whether online or in real life to ask you every day for something you like about yourself(i am willing to be that person if you want)try and think about what you feel shame about and then work on never doing the same.The most important thing is to be in contact with others that care because while you always see the worst in yourself others can see the good in you

[BellaBaker in reply to coolkitty1934]

Thank you for this

i think it is a perfectionist issue with me. whenever I do things like get drunk, have sex, explore my own sexuality - something in me switches later and i feel shame for these things. like it makes me imperfect to not always be 100% in control, even when i know i am safe. i know maybe this sounds nonsensical.....but its like there is a side to myself that i feel nobody should see, but then at the same time i feel compelled to share with certain people, as a way of seeking validation that i am not doing anything wrong.

like..i should be the good girl all the time. and when im not behaving in a way that makes me feel like that...i blame myself for it, and am panicky about not being perfect.

[coolkitty1934 in reply to BellaBaker]

ah so basically you feel like elsa from frozen

[coolkitty1934 in reply to BellaBaker]

no offense meant of course thats just what first popped in my mind was the song let it go

[BellaBaker in reply to coolkitty1934]

hahaha, maybe yes!

[coolkitty1934 in reply to BellaBaker]

everybody and i mean EVERYBODY has a side that they dont want others to see its very much normal

[coolkitty1934 in reply to BellaBaker]

youtu.be/ltun92DfnPY(Not working as expected?)

[BellaBaker in reply to coolkitty1934]

this is interesting

[coolkitty1934 in reply to BellaBaker]

di you gets chills like i did the first time i watched it?

[BellaBaker in reply to coolkitty1934]

i did

[coolkitty1934 in reply to BellaBaker]

hope it helped a bit and that person has other videos like that on their channel if your interested

[coolkitty1934 in reply to BellaBaker]

also check this post just for some laughs lol

healthunlocked.com/anxiety-...

[Hidden in reply to BellaBaker]

The good girl training kills more marriages. I spent 15 years with someone that had no interest in any form of connection. Be it hand holding or. A hug. Must be rough to have someone who likes to slow dance .as a form of mutual communication

Better that than a human ice cube

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

To be clear I'm not talking ohy as ical needs. I'm talking about being wanted and not just a paycheck. Her right but a man is human and next partner needs to like to cuddle as a deal breaker. Some guys want sex. Others tho just want to be romantic and close sure one has to understand human pressures etc just saying the good girl thing they put in women can be hard on her and relationships since u can't be affectionate without her having huge guilts better to bowling then. Not into people suffering for enjoying a movie so speak prob shouldn't say anything

[Blueruth]

brene brown is the expert in this. Literally her title is “shame researcher “. Couple of incomplete points

- shame is learned unlike emotions like guilt or anger. Guilt btw is feeling bad about doing a thing. It can be healthy. Shame is not healthy.

- your right about perfectionism being part of it. Everyone is fallible. Hard habit to break but browns book “gifts of imperfection “ is a good place to start.

- empathy and vulnerability together are antidotes. Shame is inward. Empathy is outward. talking about it is a vulnerable thing to do and takes courage. That’s a step in the right direction

- you are not alone. Especially as a women. Literally we feel shame no matter what…shame if we have kids and stay home. Shame if we balance a career. Shame for a promotion. Shame for being single. Shame for not having a kid. Shame for being financially dependent or independent. Shame for not getting a promotion. Shame for saying the wrong thing. (That’s often a shame hangover) shame for not knowing how to cook or not cooking at home or ….I’m sure any woman here can add to this list.

Brene also has a free self guided workshop on her website. There are videos. Google “rsa brene brown” also Netflix and YouTube.

[BellaBaker in reply to Blueruth]

you're right, i love Brene Brown.

if i was a friend talking to me about all of this, i would be recommending her work too. i would also find it easy to talk to my friend like she was not worthless and that just because she thinks something bad about herself, doesnt make it true.

i find it so difficult to do this for myself though - like i have such high expectations of myself that whenever i dont reach them or whenever i decide that i have done something less than what i should be.......i completely punish myself and treat myself so terribly.

[Blueruth in reply to BellaBaker]

I think it is practicing self care which is life long but it gets easier. When you feel that way ask “why?”. Another trick is to say “oh well,” and finish the sentence. That diffuses it in the moment and makes it less important. Here’s logic: whatever it is you tried. (Oh well, I tried! I’ll do better next time) That’s 3/4 of the effort . In yoga we say “making it to the mat is the hardest part”. You could spend most of class in child’s pose which happens to most sometimes. You still made it to the mat. Even imagining yourself doing it is doing it because you are setting the stage.

Yoga and meditation are actually great self care practices that teach you to be patient with your self and accept imperfection. I’d also recommend a therapist that practices brenes teachings.

[Daisychains01]

If you are feeling shame, then maybe something inside you wants you to change your behavior.

[roses4all]

I saw a sex therapist once. It was 10 meetings of one hour. (I had a narcissist for a partner and he was really messing with my sexuality.) She turned out to be a social worker who had gone back to school for sex therapy. One of the best things I have ever done. She helped me explore my own sexuality and realize that my sexuality was OK. She helped me own my sexuality and stand up to others for it.

I can give you an example. My narcissic partner was always coming into the bathroom when I was in the tub, always trying to touch and even get in. My therapist said, ''There are 3 reasons for a bath : 1) to get clean, 2) to relax and 3) sex play. Do not let him turn your relaxing bath into sex play!'' With her support, I was able to say, ''No, this is my relaxing bath, we can do the sex bath in an hour or tomorrow or we can schedule another time.'' The narc usually left in a huff and refused to do it another time. That is a narcissist. The sex therapist really helped. I learned to say what I liked and what I didn't like ... and own it.

[gerrerd]

There is no shame in pleasure! as long as you don't harm anyone! If you think you did something wrong then it's a lesson to learn from, next time you will know not to do it, then you have learned from it and move on a better person. If we dont make mistakes we dont learn anything. Ray.

[Hidden]

I don't think it's anyone's business what a person does be they celebate or nudists as long as it's in a reasonable area.

[SoberDrunk1]

The same mind lures us into doing it and comes back and critisizes the same act that it forced us to do. Something within us doesnt want us to do it. Perhaps thats what we took birth to overcome. But becaues of karmic actions we are forced to do it again and again. Bring in awareness. Both before and after. Slowly may be you will waken to the true purpose of life.

[Itzallgood1]

I know a guy that is going thru the same thing. He is going to try therapy to see if they can help him thru this. His last time was when he was with someone that was 25 years his senior. He knew he needed help then.

[Frankie24]

I have experienced the same problem in my life. I am Bipolar and during manic phases have been quite hyper sexual. There is nothing to be embarrassed about or feel shameful about. It is a normal part of life. It sounds like what you are doing is perfectly normal for you. Everyone is different. I have forgiven myself for how I have been during my manic phases. You should in no way feel bad about how you choose to conduct yourself with respect to your sexual encounters.

[fauxartist]

I know that a lot of people just enjoy sex, and there's nothing wrong with that, other than the social BS that still applies to women regarding their liberal attitudes towards sex. It's encouraged for a guy to put as many notches on his belt, but for women .... not so much.

Another issue with having a lot of sexual partners is a desire for the closeness... sure the sex feels good and all that, but mostly there is that unconditional non-committal closeness that some feel in casual relationships, when they didn't have closeness and reassurance as a kid. And when some were emotionally abandoned as kids, they don't want to get hurt again in committing to anyone in particular, so casual sex for them fills their need for physical closeness.

If you're feeling guilt, or shame, or regret... that's something to look into... forget about the social stigma BS... look into the roots of these feelings... see if looking at where they may have manifested could help you learn why these feelings have come up now.

[Flor55]

Hello Bella. You may be helped by something that really helps me. I tell myself "I'm OK." This may sound trite, and may or may not work for you, but I have found it cuts to the source of shame, feelings of profound lack of worth.