I'm so tired, I've had nightmares all week. About people, I'm trying to cut out, the end of the world, etc. My OCD has started seeping into my dreams and I feel like I can't get away.
I just had minor surgery so i went to grab my next dose of meds. My sister was In there, playing around and I just blew up at her after she wouldn't leave me alone. Her response to this was to swipe all of my medicine bottles onto the floor and stare at me.
I want to cry. I want to break things and scream. I just want my parents to listen to me. I called my mom for support and of course, no answer.
I hate my life. My messy room I've been trying to clean for days. I hate my thoughts, my body, my mind. I am so tired guys I just want someone to be there for me.
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Bookishbunny
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((hugs)) hang in there. You came to a good place with a lot of awesome supportive people who can help you along the way. You don't hafta go through this alone. 💜
It's totally fine not to feel fine sometimes. Try some positive affirmations to get out of mind. Also try deep breathing. You will feel better. Take care 🙂
Bookishbunny.......I can definitely relate. I've been so tired this week as well. I swear I have these cycles where it can last for almost a week or a few weeks where I get so tired, depressed, something like a separation anxiety, feel lonely, and just can't relate to anything. It's like my whole body is exhausted and my mind to, almost feels fried or overstimulated. Then the next cycle it's like I can't sleep at all, feels like I always have to be doing something, and almost an overstimulated feeling sometimes 🤔. Just sucks and not to mention the anxiety, agaitation, a very short fuse, and the ocd/tics. And just a flat feeling.
Now on to the ocd & room cleaning part, lol. I've been trying to clean mine for weeks! And decided one night to start doing some of the closet too......bad idea! I can sort things for hours and hardly anything ever gets done! I have some older magazines, trading cards, comic books and newspapers etc. I started to put some of the magazines in plastic sleeves to get ready to maybe sell 🤯 Sometimes I have to smell each plastic sheet and magazine or sometimes touch the edges over until I feel it's just right. And sometimes so afraid to touch them because I'm afraid I'll mess something up. The newspapers I have stacks I'm afraid to touch or if I do I'll start smelling and having to touch the edges etc. And mostly a lot of the magazines and other things are something that's so unimportant, but I get so stuck on that moment or thought it just sucks. Another time it took me like a few hours to organize one little shelf on my bookshelf 🤯 it's so many useless little things. Sometimes I just want to throw everything out!
I'd almost be so much comfortable with someone doing it all for me and I just walk in and wherever things are, then they are! I wouldn't have to second guess anything or replay things in my mind, be so indecisive etc. I wouldn't have to worry about any of that because it would be done already. Sometimes if my room finally does get somewhat clean then I feel like I'm afraid to mess anything up or touch anything. It's almost like I want some of the clutter back, lol. I just want it both ways. Sometimes I get so focused in on one thing it's so hard to stop.
My one doctor said I have a mixture of a little bit of a number of things. OCD, ADD, TICS(not to mention the depression, anxiety)..... he said and used the term Tourettic OCD. Alot of the time I smell things, repeat words, but mostly close my eyes or one eye and have to touch things until it feels just right in my mind. Like using a computer mouse, most of the time I have to close one eye so I can't see the mouse and my hand moving. Or even trying to type on my phone sometimes. It just sucks and so tired of it.
You are right though.......I'm hate all those thoughts, hate my body anymore, my mind. It seems like everything is a big project and takes me forever. I wish I could just clean my room and put stuff where I think it would go and be done with it!
Sorry for the long response, lol but I understand for the most part and you are not alone. I try to explain things to my parents and they just don't get it and don't think it's that big of a deal, and I can just turn it off. It is a big deal and a life changer. Especially the last few years, it feels like it has gotten worse. Hope some of this makes sense in my ramble lol and actually think this is my first post! I've been wanting to respond to so many topics on here and finally did.
I hope things can work out and you find some peace. If you ever really need to talk or have questions, we on here board and me myself are here to listen.
Don't feel sorry I like talking with people who understand what it feels like. Sometimes I can never get the compulsions right and all I can do is cry. No one gets it. The number of times people have said “just don't do it anymore,” or “just stop worrying,” and “you’re the one in control so just stop,” is unbelievable. It makes me so upset that this is the best thing they can think to say. My whole life I've hidden my OCD from people that cannot understand my family included. Who wants to live like this? I know what I'm doing is irrational and yet they tell me to just stop. Like don't you think I would have if I could? It's great to talk with someone who gets it or at least tries to. Thanks for the reply.
Don't give. Your family are probably just trying to support you the best way they know how. Don't cut them out. They want to help you recover. Vent your anger on here, not at them
I never ever vent to them. I would feel too guilty. My anger comes from a lack of support and understanding of mental health in general and a refusal to acknowledge my struggle and conditions. The people I am cutting out arent my parents and are toxic awful humans that I can not be around without terrible anxiety. The problem with that is my dad keeps trying to force me around them because he thinks I should move on from the event that made me realize that they are horrible. Thank you for the advice and for reading my post. This is pretty much the only place I get to vent anyway.
In that case keep venting in here. You will keep recovering with time and effort. Recovery is split between the physical recovery and the mental recovery. Focus on one at a time. That's what I did and everyone is pleased with my progress. Keep going. You can do this.xx
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