Hole in my chest

[WhiskeyLullaby]

I've struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts in the past but have managed to make it through on my own.

Now I feel like I really can't cope. I feel like I'm not worthy of love. I'm a failure, worthless, not pretty enough.

Me and my significant other were together since high school. 14 years and the he decided he needed to work on himself and left me. He would still come over every weekend to spend time with me and our children, so I assumed we were still together but living apart while he has his space.

I then find out he's in a relationship with someone else he met a party a few months back. Someone he told me about because she had gotten his contact details and reached out to him but he told her he had a family with me. 2 months in and she's pregnant. I tried to move on and did stupid reckless things to get over it. But somehow we end up back together. I'm willing to forgive and start fresh. I make myself vulnerable again. Everything was going great, we were communicating better than before. Then she gives birth. She becomes controlling and says he can only see the child at her house only. I let her meet our children, so that they could meet their half sibling. I find out she's been stalking my social media page to findout when their birthdays are. Buying them gifts and telling my partner she putting in all this effort because she wants to be with him. I then find out nights where he's "out with friends" he's sleeping at her house. He said she gave him no choice. She would say their child is sick and that this is the only way he could spend time with him.

I'm non confrontational and went out of my comfort zone to talk to her about her actions. She pretty much attacks me with words saying she's doing nothing of the sort (even though I've seen the messages myself) and my partner was exactly where he wanted to be.

I couldn't handle the lies and the feeling that he could be cheating so I ended things.

I tried to seek answers from him but he pretty much left me abandoned and hurt.

He's left our home again and has been spending alot more time at hers. While I feel like I've just been taken on the journey of pain once again.

I just don't understand how someone that claims to love and care for you can just abandon you. Abandon his children with me for this woman he barely new.

I feel so alone and empty inside. I thought he was my best friend and don't understand why or how he could hurt me this way.

I cry each night hoping to go to sleep and not wake up but then end up in even more tears thinking about leaving my babies behind and the trauma it would cause them if I really were to harm myself.

Each night is a constant battle with my thoughts and I'm just tired.

[Hidden]

Hi and welcome among friends! I am sorry that it's so hard right now. Since there are many things we can grieve about, it sounds like you're grieving. Give yourself the time and patience you need to do this.One of the things that caught me while reading this is that you tried to talk to her about her actions and she denied doing what she very clearly did. Why we as humans act the way we sometimes do is a mystery. We are emotional beings and can act with our emotions in times of hurt. I also know, through personal experience and through others' reactions, that we can also do this to protect ourselves when we know that truth has been spoken. My guess is that this other woman is very aware of what she's done and is trying to protect herself by saving face. I've done this, as have others to me. We as humans hate feeling uncomfortable and hate feeling bad about ourselves, so we can sometimes do things to try and build ourselves up again.

Another thing that caught my attention is that you desperately want answers to how you are being treated. This might come in time, or it might never come. I'm going through a situation right now where I want answers for the hurt I'm feeling. My psychiatrist has told me that we don't always get the answers we want in life. It hurts like heck not to get them, but unfortunately it's how it is sometimes.

You say that you thought he was your best friend and don't understand how he can treat you this way. You are describing the feeling of betrayal. You feel betrayed. This is a God-awful feeling. Give yourself time to trudge through this feeling. Do what you need to to process this immense hurt you have. That could be writing about it, talking about it, etc. I am unfortunately needing to do this as well. You are not alone.

[cbgrace1980]

I am so sorry you are going through such a hard time. My heart is with you. His actions and decisions do not make you a failure. You are not a failure. You have a hard road ahead of you but you are strong and you are not alone. Hugs to you.