The black hole of my mind: I'm tired I... - Anxiety and Depre...

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The black hole of my mind

Tidus profile image

I'm tired

I feel like any light is snuffed out of my mind, I could barley make it out of bed this morning. I can't ever take my own advice and I wish my medication helped more than it does. I am frustrated and want the pain to end. They tell me to be patient and I am trying and I was recently hospitalized but i did not trust that hospital nd will be talking to my psych soon. I just feel the need to vent, have you ever felt like you just wanted to wallow in your own filth for a while? (metaphorically not physically) lol. I have been dealing with this almost my entire life and I had and infringement of expectations on my care. I just want the pain to stop. I should be grateful and I am not. I should be happy and I'm not. Pain is only temporary right? I guess the good thing is my sleep has been just a bit better but nigh terrors suck. I have been trying to eat better and fix my nutrition to have a fighting chance. I just want to equip myself for a fighting chance.

18 Replies

Hi Tidus, I wish there was something I could do to change things, but I hope that my well wishes help a little bit. I do know how you feel... I am tired too... Sending love your way.

I hear you on the fatigue and wallowing, too, T. I’ve been there also. I don’t have the magic words either, but I think you’re on the right track talking with your psychiatrist. Hang in there, friend. 🙏💕

I can certainly see in your text that you are really hurting. I too have struggled with depression most of my life. The feelings that you are going through are normal. It sounds as though you've already started to build your mental health 'tool box' with things like diet and some excersise. What I found that helped me alot was mindfulness techniques. That and medication helped. What you and I have is a medical disorder no different than high blood pressure. And just like any other illness in our body, we need to put into place a plan to improve our condition. If you use a tool box style technique, adding things like diet and excersise, counseling, taking your medications, writing down some things each day you are grateful for, (I know right now that seems difficult) and finding time to mediate or pray each day. I find that when I release my pain to God, he never fails to show me his grace and love in the world around me. I will say a prayer for you. Things WILL get better!

Tidus profile image
Tidus in reply to JP8810

Thank you but I know my faith is being tested but it's taking me a while to talk to God again because I just don't feel deserving. Thank you for your words and your prayer.

None of us are deserving of God's grace and love. We just need to receive it as a gift and through faith. Even if your faith is as small as a "mustard seed". Peace to you.

mauv profile image
mauv in reply to JP8810

Hi JP8810, From your message I gather you are a Christian. I have been one for many years. It is my faith that keeps me going. I am 76 years old today. I have had many major depressions in my life time. Some I get out of faster than others. I have been in this one for a month. It is a bad one. I am on a Fischer Wallace for a trial basis. My psychologist is turning it up to 3 tomorrow, 2 times a day.I am waiting on the Lord for healing and patience on myself is hard. My problem is I don’t know how to pace myself and need to hear how others do it. Thank you

JP8810 profile image
JP8810 in reply to mauv

Happy Birthday! Yes, I am a Christian. My faith has kept me alive. My heart goes out to you as you try new treatments. I've found that when my depression is bad that it helps me to create a mindful picture of Jesus in my head and I place my burdens in his hand. I've learned that emotions don't have the weight we ascribe them. Having peace and knowledge that I am a saved child of God helps me steer back to a less rocky path. After all, Jesus is the great Shepard and he will always be there looking out for us even when we don't readily feel it. I wish the peace of Christ rests on your soul tonight and I will say a prayer for you. Peace!

mauv profile image
mauv in reply to JP8810

Thank you for reminding me I am a saved child of God. That He cares for me even thou I don’t feel Him. My emotions in a depression are negative and can’t be reliable. Only God’s word is reliable. My husband is a very judge mental person and I get it. When I am depressed it is hard to not not to allow what he says not to effect me. Therefore I need to depend on God even more. This machine can only go to 2 so next Wed I will see my psychologist for a tx and switch machines to one that can go to 3. I want to give this Fisher Wallace Machine a good try to see if it is effective. I would like to be a follower of yours since we are both Christians and like your advice

Self care relaxation grounding calming techniques and visual imagery abd being able to bring yourself back and to have a sense of safety and or trust before real progress can be made. Still tiny incremental steps can be made a little here a little there it all adds up.

The lite will come and with the light understanding. It takes time for things to fall into place. Let the streams of your mind converge and the waters of thoughts to flow naturally. Time and imbalances can erode and cut off pathways and neurotransmiiers need to forge new paths to send signals. Impulses need time to reset to regulate. Please do not rush please be patient or the process may be impeded. There must be adequate restructuring before you move forward lest in haste you shatter progress that has so far been made. Beeee patient.

mauv profile image
mauv in reply to Gentlespirit

I agree with you that we have to have adequate restructuring time to get out of a depression. I am using a Fischer Wallace Machine to build up my seratonin level. I have been at level2 for 2 weeks 2 times a day. My psychologist is going to turn it up to 3 tomorrow. I have been in this deep depression for 25 days. I get impatient with myself and do to much and get extremely exhausted and have to take a long nap. I do try to exercise daily but my mood is the same I have had many major depressions I get thru and I will this one too. This one is longer do to COVID rules. We who experience this need to be here for each other. Having a support team like this is necessary. I need to learn from others how they pace themselves in a depression.

Tidus profile image
Tidus in reply to Gentlespirit

I am using meditation techniques to ground myself further but it seems like on my better days I will still wake up in sweat, regardless of the temperature in my room. All my dreams are filled with crazy images but the plot is usually the same. I am some tournament but in the dream it's all familiar(even though it's all new) and whether I experience all those archetypes of moving in slow motion or being chased by a shadow figure, the fear is constant but i am constantly moving and conquering the courses if any of that makes sense. My wife said maybe it's my minds' way of saying I need a break from everything. for instance in my dream, There is a dim-lit dungeon and as you make your way down you see burnt flesh on the walls and eyes sewn together watching. There is lava in certain "rooms" and as soon as you get in the vicinity of them your skin start searing. I wasn't alone, I had my squad I needed to take care of and they got word that some immortal beast was awakened and basically she looked like Medusa but she was able to change her skin from scales to a beautiful blue marble and silver, to gold. She floated and spoke but I don't remember the words that's when I woke. Some of it makes sense to me and other parts lol too many movies. But it's almost non-sense like that, throughout the dream I'm always thinking "I've been here before" or "this is about to happen" and when I wake up I always know I had a nightmare.

Beee patient. I relate to where you are.

Hii hang in there I am also suffering a lot and u can talk to me anything u want

I feel u Im in the same boat this pain is horrible just horrible

I’m sorry

I feel like my atoms are too charged and colliding causing excessive heat. Its shaky and things have to be slowed down to prevent a disaster. Safeguards are in place. Continuation should be moderate . Am monitoring.

Hey Tidus, your original post about being snuffed out reminds me of how I can go through periods of apathy for stretches. I'm not sure if that's too similar to what you're going through or not, but for me I get out of bed fine, I get through the day at work fine, I function fine; I simply don't have much care for the outcomes. I've tried to press through by perseverance and eventually that seems to line things out for me. It seems from you post that you tend to navigate, I pray it get's easier for you. I think things get easier for me as I learn more about my triggers and whatnot.Prayers bro.

I am not sure pain is temporary because it is part of life. Some of us feel the pain of people around us and the world much more intensely. This can be devastating and everyone must find their own way. Seeking out joy in what ever way possible helps balance our experience. Helping someone else makes us realize that we have value and that we are not the only ones hurting.

Before we can experience joy, we must acknowledge that we are "worthy" of joy and love. That is our job. Learning to love ourselves is hard and the reasons are varied. It might be chemically based and medications will help this. It might be trauma, attachment fears or any one of a hundred other reasons.

Seeing a therapist, a psychiatrist and learning what tools make a difference in how you feel are key. It is certainly not a short or easy journey. It lasts a lifetime. The thing we must keep in mind is that we can feel better, happier and more hopeful. It is unlikely we will be skipping through meadows or dancing in the streets....unless we are having a manic episode. Lol.

Meditation, creative expression in writing, painting, music and yes, even dancing can change our perspective. It is a mosaic of ways that can bring us into a better place. Getting there from not being able to get out of bed is a struggle but it is willpower and faith in ourselves and a higher power (if you believe) that gets us started. As I have said many times before, it is always one foot in front of the other that gets us there.

Just imagine for a moment you are on one side of a placid lake and you must walk on the water to get to the other side. You place one foot to take a step and a stone appears to support your foot. You take another step and another stone appears. In fact, every time you take a step, a stone appears, until you have completed your journey. For me, that is how I imagine it, to give me the courage and energy to take that first step everyday.

You can get there. Listen to your doctor and to your "higher self". Tell him/her if the medication isn't working, and they will adjust it. Know that it is a long process but so worth it when you begin seeing the beauty that has always been there. Stay around positive people and avoid negativity of any kind. No news or sad stories or movies that may trigger anxiety and depression.

You will get there! Follow your path.

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