My head hurts like hell.

[Against_the_current]

My head hurts like hell. I feel frustrated and like i'm about to cry from the pain. I'm absolutely inadequate. I'm irritated as hell, i feel like i'm going to kill someone. My head hurts so much. Took ibuprofen, took aspirin, nothing helps. I'm drinking a lot of water. I'm litterary always needing water. I'm like a vegetable. So useless and needs water. I'm really frustrated and irritateable and hypervigiliant too. I'm trying to sleep on time and i'm getting like 8 hours of sleep but it's all full with nightmares about dad. My head hurts so much i can't even breathe. And this pain stays for days. I was getting this pain a lot when i was in my accomodation because i was triggered from the new environtment, city, people. I feel like the veins in my brain will explode. And like i'm going to kill someone.

My father ruined me in november 2020 and no matter how hard i try, the damage on me is too much. Since then this illnesses is creeping. I didn't even believe i would be alive. He doesn't even realise he ruined me. He thinks he has done nothing wrong and i'm just crazy and dramatic. Probably i'm gonna become crazy. I want to cry but i'm too numb to. Too burnt out. I'm just binge gaming to proceed being alive. I can't make it through classes, i get hypervigiliant and i start to talk and get sympthoms, teachers are tired of me. They say "You're gonna talk later" and then they say "That's all students, see you next week". Everyone is tired of me. Friends tell me i'm too much. I'm too much for even myself. My soul is in convulsion. I'm desperately searching for redemption. I would sell my soul to save it but i'm inredeemable. I used to be a good person, smart, hard working, kind, deep, compasionate, creative... Now i'm ruined. I'm litterary a vegetable that is so busy dealing with the illnesses that my trauma brought and my trauma that i'm debilitated. I feel bad for hating on mom because i'm an adult, depending on her because i'm useless. I'm ruined. I grieve myself. My dad killed me. And everything i tried since then to redeem myself, was. Idk. Idk anything anymore. My head just hurts. I can't think. I became my illness. A puppet of my demons. A slave of my parents' sins. And i'm stuck in this perpetual agony. It haunts me every night. The baby ruined my life and me. It's gonna get 1yo and i still can't proceed its pregnancy and doesn't even know its name. My sister is upset too. It's normal to be upset. My hands are sweaty writing all this, my body desperately needs the pain out but my mind is imploding not exploding. Destroying self not others. It exploded but nobody cared so it's now just slow Burn and imploding. I can be chained in Hell and i will still be a good person. But fallen. Unredeemed. Enslaved by demons. Chained and bleeding.

[Zhangliqun]

What did your father do?

[Against_the_current in reply to Zhangliqun]

Had a baby

[Zhangliqun in reply to Against_the_current]

Your father had a baby?

[Against_the_current in reply to Zhangliqun]

Yeah... I wrote a lot of posts about it

[Zhangliqun in reply to Against_the_current]

You can't really be saying your father got pregnant and gave birth. I assume you mean he had another child with your mother or some other woman?

But let's pull the camera back for a panoramic view and some perspective -- how is that some great act of evil against you?

[Against_the_current in reply to Zhangliqun]

It's from another woman. It's a long story that i feel too miserable to writr. He messed up me, mom, sis. I had to keep it a secret for so long. But it eventually came out and drive mom and sis insane. Me even more. I already knew. And their reaction. I'm feeling miserable rn. I have multiple posts. I'm sorry If i sound mean, i'm not i'm just wanting to cry but i'm too numb to. It's actually important to me for someone to care

[Genuineguy in reply to Against_the_current]

You don't need to answer any questions you aren't comfortable with. Zhangliqun has been unnecessarily intrusive. You've been through enough.

[Zhangliqun in reply to Against_the_current]

So it's a case of betrayal within the family. No light thing at all to be sure but don't let it overshadow your whole life. Work through the grief and keep going.

[Zhangliqun in reply to Against_the_current]

I had thought from what you said that it might be some sort of bizarre sibling rivalry/jealousy but it turns out that this is at least partly about the breaking of marital vows. A very different thing and a far more reasonable thing to upset about. That's why I asked the questions because otherwise I'm flying blind(er) in my attempt to help.

My father stepped out on my mother constantly, though I didn't know it at the time. He was also a drunk and just a very strange, self-absorbed man, driving around drunk with us kids in the car. Also a long story but I'm willing to tell it if you're at all interested or you think it will help.

[Against_the_current in reply to Zhangliqun]

Yeah, i understand, you don't know my situation and you want to help. It's that dad left and had a baby from another woman and it ruined me, mom and sis. Mom's also drinking. Right now i was just having heavy talk with her. Sis said she's manipulating me.

[Zhangliqun in reply to Against_the_current]

Did she start drinking as a result of this situation or was she drinking before?

[Genuineguy in reply to Zhangliqun]

Zhangliqun you're stepping over a line with your intrusive questions. You don't need to know what RealMe's father did or how this affected RealMe.

[Zhangliqun in reply to Genuineguy]

I think it's better to let him decide if he wants to answer my questions. He is free to refuse. The reason I ask questions like this is so I don't offer support or advice in ignorance that might cause him harm.

[Genuineguy in reply to Zhangliqun]

Probing questions can be a little distressing to be on the other end of, but I see your motives are good nonetheless. ✌️

[Genuineguy]

I've read a few of your posts. You seem like you're a really kind and big-hearted person but you are in a lot of pain. You are going through a lot right now that's all.

[Against_the_current in reply to Genuineguy]

Thank you

[Genuineguy]

It seems like your mother and sister are in a lot of pain too because of everything that's been happening and maybe they don't know how to handle it. Are you still with your mother and sister or did you move out?

[Against_the_current in reply to Genuineguy]

Still here. Planned to leave on 25th. I'm scared