For so long I can remember being unhappy with my life and the situations that I keep finding myself in. So many times I felt like the world would have been better off without me in it. Too many times I've hit rock bottom and had to crawl my way back up to a position where I can function. And that nagging voice inside me would boom in my ears with negativity then fade away as gently as the wind.
I had pretty much accepted my life to be what it was and that I would always be sad. I had given up on therapy but would still occasionally go through the motions when I was super low to avoid anything serious happening. I felt guilty because, at one point, my children were enough to pull me out of an episode, and in recent years it had started to feel like whatever magic was in them that always seemed to cure me was no longer potent enough to make me okay.
But I kept pushing. Some days were harder than others depending on how exhausted or empty I felt or how irritated and defeated I was feeling. I was even considering medication. My problems felt so big and heavy and I had to carry them all on my own. I mean, I still carry them all on my own. But the last time that I reached out for help, I actually found someone that actually helped. I kept dealing with therapists who either spent too much time in our sessions talking about themselves or spent too much time trying to be my friend or convincing me that my problems were either too big or too small.
My employer has an EAP that provides mental health services through Lyra Health. A perk for me, of course. I immediately scheduled a session with a therapist that shared the same first name as me. It felt meant to be! Spolier---it wasn't. I was basically told that she would need to refer me to someone else because the kind of care that I was seeking was not possible through the program. She told me that if I needed long-term care that I would need to see an outside therapist and that she could not help me. Very disheartening to someone that has been begging for help to be told that my problems are "too big" to be handled within the scope of the program.
I shut down and spiraled for about a month. Missed some days at work, took VTO (voluntary time off) when possible. Started falling behind n my bills. Isn't it amazing how depression and anxiety can make you do the very things that worsen your depression and anxiety? I kept convincing myself that I just needed another day and I continued needing another day, hour, minute, second until one day when my son (my youngest) came to me in my bed, pulled the covers up to my shoulders, and laid down next to me. He told me, "I know you feel better when I snuggle with you so I'll snuggle with you for a few minutes to make you feel better."
My son (I call him Bear) can be very rambunctious at times and difficult to calm down, but he can also be so sickeningly sweet that you just melt in his presence. And I melt down. One thing that I promised myself was that I would never allow my kids to see my episodes. I was so far gone that I didn't realize I was in bed most of the day, spending what little I had on takeout instead of cooking, ignoring my kids when they asked questions, and letting them play on their electronics for longer than the limits I set on them. When my son told me that he wanted to make me feel better, I realized my focus was not on them.
After he left my room, I tried Lyra again. I picked someone at random and explained to her when we met over video that I've had a number of bad experiences with therapy and counseling and that I just needed help but no one seems able, willing, or skilled enough to help me. She acknowledged my concerns and went into talking about CBT. I tried CBT before. With another therapist and on my own. I was becoming discouraged after she said that because if me getting better was as simple as thinking differently, I'd be better. One thing that I learned in customer service and dealing with customers is to accept that despite your experience and knowledge, sometimes you can still be wrong. I kept a bit of skepticism in my back pocket and went into the lessons and sessions with an open mind and heart because I wanted to be better for my kids.
The course provided scenarios with a few consistent characters to watch outside my sessions with the therapist. Surprisingly, the characters faced a lot of the same situations I was facing. There was a review at the end of each video and exercises that allowed me to practice the skills learned. It seemed so silly at first, but following the skills and completing the activities really helped. The compassion letter, identifying thinking traps, self-validation, three-point checks (what am I thinking, feeling, doing), mindfulness... It feels strange that something so simple actually helped.
I am currently making a plan for how to continue without therapy with my therapist. In that plan, it includes a list of things to be on the lookout for in the event I need to return to therapy. I'm not 100% myself, but I feel happy. I feel alive. I'm drawing more ( I love to draw), writing more, working hard to bring up my GPA (Graphic Design BA), and missing less work, though I still take a little bit of VTO when I need it. And my kids. My babies. They are noticing a change as well and I am noticing a change with them also. The better I am, the better they are. My son is throwing fewer fits and I have a better plan in place for how to deal with them. My daughter's grades are on the upswing and I'm having regular conferences with her teachers to address her problems subjects.
I know that I am not "cured" and everything right now isn't as rosy as it may seem. It's a lot of hard work. A lot of forcing myself to do things when my body feels like it could shatter to pieces. But that's the depression. If I stay down like it wants me to, it can get its hooks into me and feed off my sadness, but getting up takes away its food and I can starve it. It sits in the background hungry and I work hard not to give it enough fuel to take control. Managing this is not easy but knowing what is within my control is helpful. Right now, I feel alive and I am going to hold onto that feeling for as long as I possibly can.
Grateful to be alive
Be blessed to be alive 
Can’t believe I’m alive
