Can’t get out of bed. Hopeless

[Gr8ful]

Hi. This is so difficult to type because I don’t want it to be true but after a significant trauma at the beginning of 2020 (pandemic) I found myself completely alone and so depressed I could barely get out of bed to walk my dog. I have had a couple small windows where I thought I might be getting ahead of it but now it consumes my life. I am 49 years old and have had to move in with my mother. She does nothing but walk my dog and I lay in bed day often day, it’s been over a year now. I beg for help, just help to find a therapist, help get me out of bed and she ignores me. Once a very social, we’ll traveled independent woman, I’ve lost everything. I reach out to friends and I rarely hear back. I have zero support and I’m terrified for my future. It’s gone on too long. Finally my mother has hired a nurse service to come three days a week to help with basic tasks—it hurts that my mother shows no compassion. I have found a therapist but I won’t see her for another two weeks. I’m antidepressant resistant and have stopped my taper from Klonopin (the devils drug), where I’ve gone from 4mg’s down to 2mg’s. At this point I can’t continue the taper because I fear any withdrawals would push me over the edge. I’ve lost my life. I feel as if I’m screaming under water and no one hears me. I’m completely isolated, I rarely leave the house, I’m so scared. I never imagined my life would take such an awful turn and I literally have no fight left in me. Anyone??!! Is there anyone out there that can give me a ray of hope???? I’m scared. I lie in bed between sleep and awake or between full body anxiety and this feeling of holding back from running out the door screaming. I don’t feel safe or at home. I just so scared.

[DeadRose]

Oh my! Sending wishes of you getting back to your most powerful self. I have been where you are and I did it while still having to be social(going to work and dealing with family ). You are lucky you have a space to run to( your moms) where you can just get over what your feeling. Tell your mom thank you every day and let her know you appreciate everything she is doing even though she may not understand. Give her a hug. Only someone who have seen their Rock bottom can understand how you feel, but there is no where to go but up out from under that water you speak of . Look for anything to bring you up because now there’s nothing no one else can do. Your stuck inside yourself fighting with yourself. You are the key to releasing you.

[Gr8ful in reply to DeadRose]

Tears…just tears of relief to read your words. There’s someone out there…I am seen. Thank you.

[DeadRose in reply to Gr8ful]

Your name says everything. Be well.

[DeadRose in reply to DeadRose]

If you ever need to just holla at me. I really enjoy being there for people. It helps me as well

[Gr8ful in reply to DeadRose]

Thank you so much. It’s so scary being lost inside myself. What was something that helped pull you through? Did you feel dead inside too? I am trying to be grateful for the roof over my head, I don’t know where I’d be if I couldn’t stay here. I know I have to stop focusing on what I’m NOT getting from my mother and just know that I am safe and you’re right she just doesn’t understand. We’re so different, where I’ve always given too much of myself when I see someone in pain—she has just never known depression and honestly doesn’t believe it to be true. But I can’t focus on her, I have to dig deep and take care of myself, I know I do but I feel it’s gone on too long and I’m frozen. I walk outside and it’s like I’m afraid the sky is going to fall. It’s such a terrible feeling. I’m so happy you made it through. Do you feel whole again?

[DeadRose in reply to Gr8ful]

I can’t say I feel whole because the depression comes back to see if your through and if your not strong you may give in, but as you begin to know be strong and say I’m not taking this no more.... the more you are going to be able to fight and finally say not your not welcome here anymore.

[Gr8ful in reply to DeadRose]

Right in a way it is this ‘thing’, I’ve called it the monster inside of me. Yes, talking to it, saying it has no place, no home within me is something I can do. I often tell myself that mind is a safe harbor, that no turmoil, no torture, no fear, no scavengers or fear mongering pirates have a place here. Which is similar. But it isn’t just saying it, I have to believe it with every bit of my being. That’s where I struggle—it’s a constant battle. Oh, how I wish I could kick it to the curb like an old flame. I will keep fighting for peace within my mind, and my body. Any little bit of advice or encouragement is something I can hold onto, it really helps. Thank you again.

[DeadRose]

Lol at sky going to fall...... yes i know those feelings well and I’m so thankful/ Gr8ful that I can look at all those feelings as past things. I have known them when I didn’t know them and now I now them on a pass by..... Sort of like an old flame.

[DeadRose]

Be well Butterfly 🦋

[mrmonk]

Hello Gr8ful, welcome to this community, which has been a source of hope for so many (including me) and will be there for you to help through the rough times, I'm sure. Here, you will not be alone in your fear. Hope will return -- it ebbs and flows, but, like the sea, is never really gone, as Elizabeth Jennings describes in her poem called "Hope" (enlarged image displays the entire poem):

"Hope" by Elizabeth Jennings

[Gillyflower18]

Hang in there! Be sure to tell your therapist about the trauma when you do see her/him. Ptsd can be a hard thing to handle but it can be done with help. There is a ptsd group on this site too that you may want to check out. My mom never understood either and I’ve had to accept that what she gave us all she could because of her own life. I know it’s hard but try to move even if it’s only around the house or up and down the stairs. Journal how you are feeling. It really does help! You can say anything you want in a journal!

[hypercat54]

Hi I know it doesn't seem like it but your mother cares a lot for you. She let you move back in with her, she walks your dog, and she has hired help for you. If she didn't care she wouldn't do any of those things.

She just doesn't understand depression that's all. It doesn't mean she doesn't care but just that she doesn't understand it. Don't confuse lack of care with lack of understanding. I think maybe the reason she 'ignores' you is that she doesn't know how to deal with it so it's easier to ignore it. Or maybe she is worried about upsetting you? Maybe it would help if you say a couple of things to her which can help you? Small things.

It must be very hard to go from being independent to being dependent on others so I do emphasise with you on that. The thing to remember is that you are not a failure, you have an illness which is as real and debilitating and real as any physical one - or even more so. It's not your fault in anyway. You are starting to take steps to help yourself by coming in here and talking to us, and by starting therapy soon. Well done.

You are now taking the long road to healing and you will get there if you persevere. That's great. We will help you on your journey as much as we can and support you all the way.

[Gr8ful in reply to hypercat54]

Thank you so much for your kind and supportive words. ❤️

[hypercat54 in reply to Gr8ful]

You are more than welcome. We hear you. x