Patience...

[RupertBrown]

I've spent a fair amount of time on here and reddit, posting and commenting on mental health forums. It's been a huge help in figuring some things out. In the absence of therapy, (cost prohibitive), it's the best I can do to manage my mental health and heal from childhood trauma. I see a lot of people say to be patient. Patient with yourself, patient with your mental health and patient with healing from trauma. I've always subconsciously taken that to mean that if I just go easy on myself and wait long enough, I'll start to feel better, start to heal. I figured i would need to keep reading and educating myself on trauma and mental health and eventually there would be an "a-ha!" moment or a proverbial light bulb and I would be right again. I am only now slowly starting to realize what is probably already obvious to you. I've got to do the work. Couple that patience with genuine, sustained effort. Be patient with the process, but also honest about it. No more cop-outs, no more excuses. I am a people-pleaser and I'm rather averse to conflict of any sort. It's more than just setting boundaries, my locus of self is totally external. I realize now that without putting in some serious work, that will never change and by extension, I will never be mentally healthy or healed from trauma. I had a run-in with a noisy neighbor last night at 1:30am. For the first time I handled the situation calmly and didn't panic or fly into a rage. Don't get me wrong, physiologically I was in full-on fight or flight mode. Despite the adrenaline and a lifetime of mismanaging these situations, I was able to resolve it like a reasonable person. Today I feel like I'm coming off a victory. More importantly, I've learned something important. That "Rome wasn't built in a day" I suppose. That my task is substantial, and it only makes sense that the effort required would be commensurate. I'm beginning to figure out what patience really means and how to apply it to myself. I say all that to say this: take those small victories. Carry them forward and build on them, and be patient with yourself while doing so. And if you've read all of this, I'd like to thank you for your patience! (Sorry, couldn't resist!)

[Hidden]

Well put! Thanks for this!

[RupertBrown in reply to Hidden]

Thanks. I have been meaning to contribute something positive back to this community after all I have taken from it. I'm not a wise man and I learn everything the hard way, but maybe, with time, I can offer something helpful to the folks here. God knows, they've helped me. Time to start paying it back.

[Hidden in reply to RupertBrown]

You're welcome! One of my landlords once told me that he isn't a wise man. It made me sad to hear him say that. If this post is any indication that you're not wise, think again. We are all wise in our own way.🙂

[RupertBrown in reply to Hidden]

You are too kind! I guess self deprecation is a hard habit to break lol. Thanks again! ☺

[Hidden in reply to RupertBrown]

Boy, do I get that about self-deprecation! You're welcome and thank you!🙂

[Imaaan]

👏👏👏 What an absolute gem of a post.

[RupertBrown in reply to Imaaan]

Thanks, Imaaan! I know we're all here for similar yet different reasons. I'm hoping that maybe once in a while I can offer something helpful, something that resonates with people. Even if it's just one person. You've all helped me so much and I feel that I have so far given little in return. I'm hoping I can work to change that. Thanks again.

[Imaaan in reply to RupertBrown]

Forgot to say earlier pat yourself on the back on your progress

[Hidden]

You are going to make it through this, Rupert. Wonderful post, thank-you. 🦋

[RupertBrown in reply to Hidden]

Thanks, snowdaze! It helps that the holidays are behind me. They really take a lot out of me. It may be slow going, but I am going to keep going. Just wanted to share some encouragement, and maybe offer some hope. This community offers so much, it's about time I pitch in!

[Hidden in reply to RupertBrown]

I agree, this community offers so much and I am more than grateful that I found it. Keep on keeping on, Rupert. ❄️

[Hb2003]

Wholeheartedly agree and well put 😊

[RupertBrown in reply to Hb2003]

Thanks Hb2003! It's painfully slow and it comes in fits and starts, but progress is progress. I have to keep reminding myself of that and keep building on the progress I've made.

[Hb2003 in reply to RupertBrown]

Your doing a awesome job ☺️

[Midori]

Yes, That's exactly what I learned.

I could mope about bewailing my woes, or I could suck it up and change things.

I was widowed with two very young kids, far from family. I had CPTSD as well, but I sucked it up and changed things, and even when I developed Fibromyalgia, I was Bl**dy-minded enough to keep on going.

I could easily have gone the other way, but I had my kids to consider.

Only you can change yourself, maybe with help, but ultimately yourself.

Cheers, Midori

[RupertBrown in reply to Midori]

Thanks for the reply Midori. A few weeks ago I heard something that really hit home for me. "You can't wait for life to be easy to let yourself be happy." I know it's an oversimplification, but there's a lot of truth in that statement. It's nice to hear about the success you've had. All we can do is make the best of the cards we're dealt and it sounds like that's what you're doing. Keep at it and I'll do the same!

[Midori in reply to RupertBrown]

It really has to come from within you. Counsellors and therapists can help, but ultimately You have to muster your inner strength to fight.

Cheers, Midori

[RupertBrown in reply to Midori]

Cheers! 🥂 And thanks again!

[live-2021]

Thank you for your post. It really reminded me that I can't give up. I'm bad about saying forget it, if I'm not seeing immediate results. I just feel I'm never going to get there sometimes. You have given me the encouragement to keep going. I'm so happy for you!!! I'm glad you're doing what you need to get better

[RupertBrown in reply to live-2021]

I am often in the same boat, too quick to give up on things. But a few years ago it occured to me that 20+ years of living in denial and running away from my problems has gotten me nowhere, (big surprise, right?). So I decided to really try something new. I know it's not that simple, believe me. But by any account I am in much better shape now than I was then. It's frustrating how long it takes to make progress. I try to remind myself that frustration does not mean hopeless. Anyway, I'm rambling now. I'm touched that my post had a positive impact. Keep pushing and I'm sending you strength and peace!

[live-2021 in reply to RupertBrown]

Thank you. You have inspired me 💜

[designguy]

Hey Rupert, good for you! One of the other very important aspects of healing is celebrating and validating our wins. Most of us were not taught to be proud of our accomplishments or were shamed or even punished for acting "boastful" but it is healthy and necessary in our self-growth.

[RupertBrown]

Thanks! I have had relearn how to recognize my victories and the progress I make. You're absolutely rightthat we're either not taught to be proud or we lose sight of how. It's something I am trying to be more mindful of.