Work friend

[Ajb8686]

I have this coworker I’m friends and we’ve become somewhat close but I feel like it’s complicated. I’ve really grown to love her like a sister and would do anything for her. She’s told me we are good friends but she mentally can’t handle a “best friendship” right now due to what she went through in her past friendships. She has set boundaries that we are friends but she doesn’t want to be too close. While we have gotten personal at times she keeps me at a distance still. I know she cares about me and cherishes our friendship but I can’t help but think there was something I did wrong or I didn’t do enough. She has told me to not go out of my way for her so I don’t get mentally drained. I think she is trying to protect herself from getting hurt while trying to prevent me from getting hurt as well. I’m just not sure how to handle it some days and it makes me sad and anxious. She truly is a good person and wants to be in my life but at a distance. Thoughts?

[Hidden]

You can only help someone to the extent they want to be helped and some people need professional help.

[ailbegraecus22]

I’d recommend investing in other relationships. Make new friends and/or nurture preexisting friendships/family relationships if applicable. Your feelings are valid and can’t be forcibly shifted but taking space and putting emotional energy into other more receptive people will lessen the amount of time you feel badly.

[The_Color_Blue]

I appreciate that you're in an awkward situation, and I can by the way you talk about your friend that she means a great deal to you. However, I'd like to offer a little insight.

A person who is setting boundaries is NOT rejecting you. She is telling you how to love and care for her. She is telling you what her limits are. She is telling you how to have a friendship that is reciprocal and mutually beneficial. She's giving you a how-to manual for success in the relationship.These are profoundly healthy behaviors that will benefit you just as much as they benefit her. Trust me when I tell you that these boundaries are not anti-you, they are simply pro-her.

From the sound of it, your friend is healing from difficult relationship/situation. She's likely working on her style of communication, her independence, and her boundaries. While it may seem awkward, try to appreciate that you've met a woman who values you enough to be completely clear and honest with you, even when she knows it isn't what you want to her. Try to appreciate that she wants you in her life so much, she's trying to set up boundaries that allow you to be in her life while also enabling her to feel comfortable.

Sadly, it's quite common for (straight) women to simply avoid any and all male friendships when they heal. Unfortunately, it's too often the case that women are emotionally bullied into losing their independence, sense of self, and goals/priorities. Your friend is trying to prevent that - but she doesn't want a life without you in it, so she's trying to figure out a way to make it work. That says a lot about how much she cares for you.

In the end, it doesn't matter why she's setting these boundaries. As an adult she has the right to determine for herself where her boundaries are. While you don't have to understand them, I desperately hope you will accept them. Your friend needs you to accept them without argument. If you push this; if you push too hard and want more than she can give, she will very likely cut off communication to an even greater extent.

Your wants, needs, and feelings are just as important as hers. As an adult, you have a choice to make. You can decide to abide by her boundaries, or you can decide to walk away (for whatever reason). You are certainly not obligated to stay in an unhappy and unequal friendship. As a general rule, you should only invest in a relationship as much as the other person invests. Otherwise, there is a risk that you will be the one making all the sacrifices, giving up your needs and independence, and bending over backwards for someone who isn't doing the same for you. That's not fair to you. You deserve as much love, attention, and compassion as you're willing to give. And if your friend isn't ready to receive that right now, that's ok. There is someone out there who is ready and who can fulfill your needs.

The reality is that these boundaries will likely change as your lives change. But if there is ever a future in which she allows you to get closer, it will require that she trust you. For her to trust you, you have to be willing to accept the conditions (boundaries) of her friendship... even if those conditions mean stepping back a bit. She has to know that you'll listen to her wants and needs, and respect them without pushing back, making her defend, explain or feel guilty for her choices, or otherwise decide to disregard the boundaries you don't agree with because you believe you know better and you can "prove" it to her.

My sincere hope is that you do what she asks. And if you find that the relationship is not enough for you, find someone who is willing and able to meet your needs. You deserve to be happy - and you deserve to define your happiness for yourself.

...and so does she.

[Ajb8686 in reply to The_Color_Blue]

Wow. That’s an great reply. Of course I’ll respect her wishes and be understanding of the boundaries. I’m just the type of guy who always wants to help where I can. I do understand this is something I can’t help with. I can be there to be supportive when she needs it of course. You’re right it should be equal and she has said that as well. I know that’s why she said don’t bend over backwards for her so I don’t get hurt. She’s only 23 (I’m 35) and she is level headed even while being in pain. I’ll be here when she’s ready and I’ll definitely keep my distance for however long she needs. Good people are hard to find that’s why I care for her so much

[The_Color_Blue in reply to Ajb8686]

You’re a good guy. One of the rare ones. She’s lucky to have you - but remember to care for your own happiness as well. You deserve it too.

[Ajb8686 in reply to The_Color_Blue]

I’m simply doing what a good guy/friend should do. While doing the right thing can be painful but that won’t stop me from doing it. She’s an amazing person so she’s worth it. I’ll definitely need to work on giving myself that same happiness.

[Jeff1943]

This relationship will bring you no joy. You both "love" each other but won't engage due to previous bad experiences. You are going nowhere, this relationship will bring only pain. Nothing will change, nothing will be resolved.

Do the hard thing, end it now. There are plenty of other "friends" who won't mess with your head like this. Give her a smile when you see her and a "Hi!" but nothing more.

Her loss not yours.

[Hidden]

What I'm thinking is it might be possible that she does have strong feelings for you, but if you both work together she doesn't want to jeopardize her job and have your co workers gossiping about you two being the so called " office romance". I really don't know, maybe if you're ever just alone with her you could ask her if that's why she's keeping you at arms length.