Partner Anxiety

I've been off this group for a while whilst I was dealing with my anxiety and depression.

I have been in a relationship for a year, things up until about 4 months ago seemed to be smooth sailing, we were in our love bubble. Then, I changed medication, my anxiety and depression spiked and I blamed it all on external controls that I felt I had no control over. We began fighting a lot, mostly because I picked fights but it's because I didn't feel secure enough in our relationship or in myself to believe that I was the one for him.

Fast forward to three weeks ago, I kept having panic attacks when I was with my boyfriend to the point that I was unable to function for 2 days afterward. I would sit there thinking, "Why am I like this? Why do I keep doing this? Why can't I be secure in this relationship? Is everything alright?" I decided to get a break from talking to him, seeing him check if it was him or I that was the cause of the issues. How is it that the man I am so in love with also causes me the greatest internal struggle? The man I picture the rest of my life with caused me to be the smallest version of myself?

After 2 weeks, we saw each other and the panic attacks and tears just erupted again. I decided that this was my body telling me I needed to take a break from being a girlfriend, I needed to look after myself. But, how do I even begin doing that? How do I know that being single is the right move?

How do you begin to be ready for a relationship when you can't even love yourself, or know how to begin loving yourself?