Fearing the worst

[Lookingforhope20100]

I went to the doctors a last week I think (slowly losing track of time) and it was for some test, I was supposed to get the results this week but I missed the call, so I called back and left a message for the doctor asking for the results they never called me back I'm going to call again today and demand the results. At first I assumed nothing was wrong and went on with day to day life putting it off well today I seen I had a voicemail and it was the doctors office. They sounded very serious and told me to call them back as soon as I could now I'm fearing what they are going to tell me... One of the test was an STD and aids test not to much to worry about there but at the same time I haven't taken the leap with my boyfriend because I want the results before I do but because no one is calling me back I'm stuck in my head playing the worst case scenarios it's literally keeping me up all night like what if there is something wrong or what if I have something I could give to him, how would he take the news or should I break my heart and cut him loose to fine love somewhere else and just never tell him or should I trust that he loves me enough to be in a non physical relationship with me. But then I have to pull myself back into reality and just hope everything is okay I've said before in prior posts that I can't lose him because he is the only one outside of my kid that shows me any love and affection but if there's something going on I will lose him and with that lose part of myself too because the truth is I've never been in love before I met him if I lose him, I lose that love I know there are plenty of people out there in the world but none of the people I have met can make me feel like he makes me feel. So I'm at a loss stuck in my head unable to talk to my family or friends about because I lied and said everything was ok but I needed to talk about my fear so I'm bringing it here the one place I hope I won't be judged.

[fromzerotopanic]

Yes, it's wonderful you are trying to be proactive and making sure everyone is safe, but in the process you're anxiety is through the roof. From the therapy I've had/ ongoing, the one thing that jumps out at me here is how many times you use the phrase 'what if'. I'm the Queen of 'what if ' thinking! I've been told though, if the sentence begins with 'what if', your brain has made up a story. It's not reality. Right now, you know nothing and it's making your head find an answer to the test results before you actually have proof of what they are. It's difficult to do, but tell yourself that until someone 'official' actually tells you the results, anything you come up with is a story. Now 'could' all of the things you mention above actually happen? Yes, they could, and you know that. But the problem is, you don't know if it's a 1 in a million chance or 1 in 10. And you can spend every waking minute trying to solve that math problem, but that's just another rabbit hole! Try hard to stay in the present moment. Because right now, you don't have an STD etc. Wait until you get a real answer from a real medical professional. And as to how your boyfriend would react if you were in fact positive, all of the scenarios above are just made up, worst case scenarios. Try thinking instead that he would be supportive. Why can't that be a reality as well as the negative? You won't know for sure until it actually happens, IF it even happens. I say this as if it's easy. It's not! But this has helped me in the past trying to stop myself from all of the 'what ifs'! I've posted it before, but if you have a chance, google the video "DARE anxiety, Michelle Kavanaugh, What if ". It's helped me so much!!

[Midori]

Get your test result before your brain goes hamster in a wheel. You may well be worrying unnecessarily. Also, if you have caught anything, it's better to know and get it treated ASAP.

Cheers, Midori