Last year was so difficult for me, I moved to a new country to study and it was so hard for me to settle in since I'm not an easy person to communicate with and also I have very low self-esteem so finding friends here seems impossible, but the thing is that I didn't have many friends even back home since I constantly think people don't want to talk to me so I do them a favor by not starting conservation with them.
the other day I was talking to someone and I was worried that maybe he keeps talking to me out of pity and deep down they don't want to talk to me so I ended the conservation before them to release them from this suffering.
last night by accident I just ran into this girl's Instagram page that my ex-boyfriend used to like(they didnt date though, since she said no) and out of a sudden I just had a huge breakdown I was in a studying room in my dorm and I couldn't just stop crying. the reason for this breakdown was that I understood that I didn't leave my old version behind when I came here and I still have all those insecurities that I had back then when I was 22, I had a really difficult year and life seemed sometimes unbearable for me and lately realized that even after all these thing that I've been trough, I still think I'm way behind this girl while logically I'm not so I decided to think of all my accomplishments and I couldn't think of anything.
I'm not a jealous person, it's not I want to have what she has... not at all... I just feel bad about myself, I feel like I didn't do anything in comparison so I started to criticize myself as usual and since I was doing it to myself and there was no one to protect me last night... I was hitting my self and it was just so sad.
2 years ago I ended my relationship with this guy since I thought that he is spending time with me just because he couldn't have the girl that I just mentioned and it was such torture( I think it's impossible that someone loves me so I don't like it when people tell me they love/like and I think they are making fun of me or lying and I don't like it when people lie to me) so ended my realationship with him and then 2 year later I still feel bad when I see this girl on Instagram... I mean what is wrong with me?
I hate the person that I am with this attitude about myself. when I look back I feel like I didn't do anything in my life and then I ask myself what else I wanted to do and I don't have an answer for that question either.
I don't know what I want and I'm tired of dealing with this crazy, low confident person that I am. I feel so alone, the kind of alone that even you don't like yourself, sometimes I can't even look into the mirror since I disgust myself. I constantly have this feeling that I didn't do anything in my life therefore I don't deserve to have a good and calm and joyful life.
I dont have anyone at times of breakdown since I dont have anyfriedns since I think they probably have better poeple to hang out with so I had to just write here otherwise I go crazy.
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Caroline_24
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Hi Caroline , sorry to read that ur suffering & that the only one to change U is U . U've come to the realisation that U've been self sabotaging & where as it was fine years ago now its not. Like it or not we ALL need somebody at times, just to help us realise we are worth it & do count . Now it's all up to U to how U want ur life to go . I will say stop hating urself as it takes up too much time & use that time to love who U are & help U to become the U that U want everyone to see & be with.
I'm always here if U need a chat , just inbox me. Now take care & start to become the new U.
Caroline , it takes years & honestly recent I was hating on myself for being broken but as much as I can hate myself , I also have to be the 1 to show myself some love first to realise that others love you too. My 2 daughters love me as I'm their daddy , my family love me & I know there are other people who give a dawn about me & I know it & always knew it . BUT for some reason I fell out of my halo OR SO I THOUGHT .
I know it's not easy as some mornings I wake up filled with self loathing or I wake in a happy mood .
What I'm hoping to pass along to U is yes it's OK to hate BUT remember the place where the hate lives is where the love lives. It's a hard thing to do & we need to work on it everyday but how we portray our aura is what others pick up or see & for the most part they walk away from us rather than being a friend & saying what's up ? Ur not ur true self.
Hey sorry you been having difficulty . Having low self-esteem and confidence is not an easy thing to deal with on a day to day basis. But it can get better , I know it doesn't seem like it when you having a difficult time. Try to take credit in all the achievements you have done , moving country is a massive thing and you should definitely be proud of yourself for it . Try to shift your attention to things that you have done even if it's the smallest thing like getting out of bed you really don't feel like it . I know it feels like you have wasted your life /time but you are still young and have plenty of time to do and achieve things . Try setting your self small goals you can do every day and writing to do lists and marking things of you have done can really help with motivation in the long run. I have been struggling with similar issues and that has really helped . Wish you the best
you are right but the thing is even when I achieve great success, I still feel like a failure, how can I reward myself for small things?
for example, if I get a good grade in university, I think that it was for the luck or the questions were easy and I never gratitude myself for achieving something good but on the other hand, if I get a bad grade I blame myself for sooo long and sometimes I tell my self that you are not worthy so you have no right to even eat food and you must suffer for what you couldn't do.
That is a very good question . Put simply it's how you view things . You can look at a getting good grades as either an achievement which will make you feel good and have positive impact on yourself esteem or you can look it at luck which will make you feel not worthy . It's up to you how you choose to view it . Focus on the positive or thoughts that make you feel better . If a negative thought comes to mind . Say thank you for that thought but this is not helpful and then focus on a positive thought . It takes a lot of practice but slowly your mindset will start to change . If you are struggling you can Google posstive affirmations and just read them . This is called reframing negative thoughts . You can try this video which explains it
youtu.be/kFYw-GWiRpc Or you can Google or search on YouTube reframing negative thoughts .
I found therapy in a nutshell YouTube channel a helpful resource.
Also I really like this app called mindshine there is a free course on there about improving confidence where like 5/10 mins simple activities you can do which will help with changing how you view things .
Hey! I’m glad you wrote. 😀. You have a lot to be proud of, from what I can see. You have the seeds of humility, integrity, and resilience. You may not be able to accept what I’m saying just yet, but I hope you don’t give up.
I used to hate myself. I finally learned in my late thirties that it was a survival mechanism that had saved my life when I was a kid. I had learned that if I hated myself, I’d be protected and survive childhood pain. I didn’t have a parent who was nurturing and mentoring. If I got rejected by friends or failed at something, I was shamed for making such catastrophic mistakes. I was taught it was all my fault and that I deserved all I got. My parents did not delight in my presence. Who could want me? So I learned to hate myself to avoid a deeper pain. My thought was, “If I don’t kick my own butt, someone else will …and it will be 10 times worse so I will just do it myself.” Can you relate to any of that?
Dear Opportunity,I can totally relate. when I was in middle school and later in high school I wasn't a good student so my dad once told me that you can never have a successful carrier because of your average grades but in the last year of high school I studied a lot and finally got accepted in one of the best universities in my country but I never feel that I m a successful person I constantly think that I'm a failure and I can never be satisfied with what I have.
I think that this idea that I'm not worthy was always with me so I have to be harsh to myself to move forward but the thing is no matter how far I go(in terms of being successful) I always feel like a failure. The thing is whenever I make a mistake I blame myself in the worst way possible and I cannot forgive myself but on the other hand when I make a good action I think that it was probably luck and I don't deserve this success.
Yes! I think you’re in the same boat as me. Welcome to the boat. 😀
There are basic things that I had to learn about how to be a happy human. These are things that parents should (in a perfect world) teach their children as part of growing up. But I didn’t get these things from my parents, because my parents were flawed, critical, and didn’t let me be me. They stifled my instincts and replaced my definitions of success with their definitions of success. As a result, I felt like an imposter and like I couldn’t function or keep up. It’s really hard to live a life that isn’t truly yours.
I won’t bore you with the details of those basics I had to learn, but I did add some info to my profile if you’re interested.
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About last night/ derealization? Please reply
Another Breakdown :’p
I don't know what to do 
Last night was a very bad night
The presentation went great. But i had therapy just after it and it ruined it all
