Is it weird I want to leave this town because of my family, even though they love me?

[aycenonbinary]

My family loves me but I feel as if they did something wrong.

[Rick1on1]

Very interesting....what was it like growing up with your family?

[aycenonbinary in reply to Rick1on1]

they treated me like a princess, but feel like they hate me

[Rick1on1 in reply to aycenonbinary]

Do you feel guilt about being spoiled?

[aycenonbinary in reply to Rick1on1]

no i feel like they all of a sudden think im crazy and only ever bought me things so i wouldnt rat them out on the way my parents hate eachother and my sibling

[Rick1on1 in reply to aycenonbinary]

You and your family needs to have an honest conversation about what they are feeling..else time will turn your relationships toxic!

[Midori]

Can you expand on that a bit? Why do you feel that your family have done something wrong?

[aycenonbinary in reply to Midori]

sometimes just the way they look at me, say things, etc. makes me feel horrible

[Adlon57]

Yes I want to leave the place where I live, I know my family loves me, but I have made it plain I want to leave here! I have been 'here' for sixty years, but my bad health has always held me back, most of my family died or emigrated, two sisters moved and have returned back here in the last ten years. My health has always been bad, I always feel guilty about my parents, they essentially spoilt me when I was younger, the last one left in the 'fold' , the last 18 years I have lived by myself [I'm a stubborn, independent old bugger now!] one of my sisters lives around the corner, but no real sign of improving health, I reckon I will be cremated in this bl###y place!🥴🥴

[aycenonbinary in reply to Adlon57]

I feel horrible on the way they maybe might think of me. I overthing a lot of things, which isn't good. I wish to move to LA, NY, Florida, or Texas. It's super far from my home town/state. I just want to go somewhere 10+ hours away. Where I never have to see my family again.

[Adlon57 in reply to aycenonbinary]

Like yourself, a heavy thinker, I don't never have liked the country I live in, probably completely different reason from yourself, it stifles me, it goes deep, an historian, I even know the history of the place, I can see faults where probably no one else can, I know where I would like to go, it's a 'genuine' place, positive identity, real culture which I can identify with! Although IF I went there I would miss my family!

[taeh]

That's a really rough emotional place to be, but no I don't think it's weird at all. I think it's actually pretty common, whether or not someone feels like their family has done wrong by them. Family is complicated and love is not a cure-all. That's true even if you don't suffer from anxiety and depression. It's true for allosexual cisfolk. It's true for a lot of folks who don't have as many factors stacked against them as you probably do, get it? So for you of course it's going to be more palpable, more unpleasant, more obvious. At some point on some level everyone needs to get far enough away from the familiar, good or bad, to figure out who we are when we're not in their immediate orbit.

Whether you actually *leave* or just need to know you're not a bad person for thinking about it, it's not weird.

It's also not weird to feel like someone who loves you has done something wrong. Maybe they did, maybe they didn't, most likely it's more complicated than did or didn't, yes no, black white, binary extremes. Either way, there are probably factors pushing you to the realization, sooner than someone without the same experiences as you, that something about staying feels ... not great. It's important to acknowledge at least to yourself that you may have these additional challenges that make it harder on you than it might otherwise be, to stay in that town, be around that family, continue to exist in a context that maybe doesn't suit who you realize you are or need to be.

Maybe their love feels like a contradiction because the seem to reject some aspects of you, or maybe they're very accepting and the something wrong is entirely unrelated. Maybe they wouldn't see it as having treated you wrong and maybe that's the whole point and the problem and the reason you need to leave.

If you leave, it need not mean forever. You deserve the space to figure yourself out. It's hard to do that surrounded by those that have very strong opinions about who and how you SHOULD be, even when they mean well. Especially hard when they don't seem to understand who you are and how you think - and still insist that they do. It's invalidating, and infuriating, and disappointing, and it sucks. It's totally normal. You've got your stuff, they've got theirs, it's impossible for you to see each others' perspectives perfectly.

If you stay, it doesn't mean that everything is fine the way it is, or that they're right and you're wrong and you just have to accept the situation as it is, whatever that is, that's making you unhappy.

As someone who has been in some version of where you are now, and moved through variations of the same cycle of self realization in the decades since, I say no, it's not weird. It's also great, even if it sucks right now, because this is an important inner conflict to allow yourself space for. If you can hold that contradiction and not let it drive you to an impulsive choice to flee or surrender, if you can see your feelings as extension of your intelligence trying to tell you something it doesn't have words for yet. FWIW I think you're on the right path.