Symptoms of depression and anxiety

[RCCOLA]

When I hear most people speak about depression and anxiety or rather, write about it as I don't talk to anyone about these, I hear symptoms of being sad or down or perhaps loss of interest, loss of appetite. I'll also hear self esteem issues, weight gain or loss or low energy levels as being symptoms but the common one is indeed sadness. Then there's crying and suicidal thoughts.

I'm not sure why but I don't really identify with any of these save for crying and one other. The crying thing is so pathetic that it's almost funny. I can cry at the dumbest things. If i'm watching something simple that has just a hint of sadness I have to leave the room because I start to cry. This isn't an all out wale but rather just a tear or two. Ha, and no one close to me knows this. It's embarrassing but in a dumb, almost silly way.

Okay...too long winded again so I'll get to the point. I don't feel what most people think of depression and anxiety. I identify with feeling like I'm freezing cold, like I need a blanket around me even on a really warm day. My bones ache as well, like I have the flu, my legs, arms, my back and so on, like someone punched me really hard in these areas. My stomach hurts, I have that pit, that actually hurts. You know when something bad happens or you might have a really bad argument with someone close to you and nasty things were said, and you don't speak afterwards, and you get that ache in your stomach, the one that even stays with you in your sleep. It's that kind of feeling. Then there's a feeling of overwhelming dread, no way out, and at the same time, feeling really frightened. It's even hard to communicate with others because all of this is going on and there aint no way I have enough energy to pretend I'm okay but somehow I manage to fool those around me-maybe i'm really not fooling anyone, perhaps they do sense something's wrong but they're too afraid to ask as they may get an answer that they have to deal with. I hear people talk but they come across as very quiet while things like the air conditioning or clock ticking, things that most people don't notice, seem to be loudest to me. So, I don't feel down, i'm not sad, I don't care about self-esteem. And loss of interest in things....what? Seriously?

I do apologize in a proactive sense as I'm not pooh poohing those symptoms that many identify with. I'm saying that's not what I have. It's not bad or good, it just is. Horribly written. Oh well.

[lisa40509]

I identify with all you say however I do not have a self esteem, I start many projects but never finish them, I cry at the worst times and circumstances and when I do I’m afraid I can’t stop crying. I have no close relationships other than my husband and even after 30 years of marriage I’m currently taking on the phone to my college boyfriend. Why? I don’t know, I think I’ve never stopped loving him however why the hell would I be sabotaging a good for the most part 30 year marriage? I call this disease a demon. It causes us to lie to ourselves. It attacks us all in different ways to make us feel weak. I wish we weren’t a part of such a club. The good thing is we are really in control of every aspect of our lives. We just have to learn how to combat the self doubt. If you ever need someone to talk or rant to please feel free to message me.

[RCCOLA in reply to lisa40509]

Thank you.