I don't know what to do

[jfrazee]

I have been living in fear with my depression and anxiety. This week I screwed up big time. I have been between anxiety attacks and big lows of depression. Even writing this is taking a huge effort. My medication and coping skills are doing nothing. I just want to sleep.

[WriterG]

This is the first time I've joined a group about depression and anxiety. I also have ADHD and seem to focus on that when I've been having a real hard time lately overall. I am almost 67 and went back to school at age 50, got my degree, and started a freelance writing business. I am a technical writer and Certified Professional Resume Writer. (Finishing anything was SO unlike me that going back to school was a BIG risk.) I did very well, which is likely the only reason I was able to stick it out. Had I gotten a C or D in my first class, I wouldn't be writing this! So, for a few years, things were good. I was earning a good sum of money and my self-esteem finally was on the up after getting my degree, etc. I went back to ballet classes, traveled to visit a friend, and then suddenly in 2019 the roof fell in. I very suddenly started experiencing weird physical symptoms that made no sense and scared me to death. I never felt these things before and had trouble explaining them to docs which only succeeded in some big, red flags on my ER reports. I had horrible medical treatment and never got anything accomplished other than grief. I was finally diagnosed with HBP and GERD, and was thrilled to finally know what was wrong. I thought life would go on as before but no. As time progressed I developed other things and honestly right now have no idea what is wrong with me. It's been 2 years and stuff keeps happening and messing my life up and I finally have realized that now this is just as much, if not more emotional/mental than it is physical. I've developed phobias, fears, anxiety, and can hardly work or do anything most of the time other than watching mindless TV. Money is a MAJOR issue, which is a good part of the problem and I am just very undependable because I simply don't know how I will feel from one day to the next. I feel okay right now but tomorrow that could change drastically and I feel almost paralyzed to do anything. Worse yet I get no support and when I'm not "doing" no one is picking up the slack so I worry, worry worry, constantly, about things I never even gave a thought to a few years back. I really don't know what to do because the last thing I want is to open a can of worms I can't close. I have a very hard time trusting doctors because over the years I've been so disregarded, etc. (It took me about 5 - 7 years to "convince" them I had ADHD and wasn't some other label.) I feel myself on a decline and worry if I feel this bad now what's going to happen when I'm 70, 75, etc. if I live that long. I lost one of my closest friends last year Halloween and then just about 6 weeks ago my one other dearest friend died very suddenly from what they believe was a heart attack. She was younger than me so I worry about this now. I don't know what to do but I am already taking enough prescription meds to fill me up and just want some peace of mind. Any help or ideas, please

[Dorsey in reply to WriterG]

Well written. I can relate to all of that physical symptoms taken over my life.

[IChoose]

Well, maybe you're tired. Anxiety attacks take a lot of energy.

It's just about Sunday here. Maybe take Sunday to get out in nature, take a walk, exhale. for me, I would go to Church if it is safe re: Covid. I sat alone in Church this week for the first time in 19 months. I'm still afraid of crowds. Wow, I felt like me again!! I have been having anxiety attacks and I have found prayer is helping.

I would honestly look at stressors and take a break from them today. That's what Sunday is for.

Forgive yourself for whatever you messed up. I'm sure it's nowhere near as bad or important as you think. If it is, who cares! Your sanity is more important.

Oh, and, for posting, you deserve a nice gift to self. Be kind to you, you deserve it. Nighty night, God bless. Peace and all Good to you.

[Midori]

Can you give us more information please, so we can try to help you?

Cheers, Midori

[MusicalKitty]

It really helps to talk about it, have you tried counselling sessions? xxxx

[4Penny]

Oh I feel the same...its bad when I wake up in the morning and think about how I'll be able to go back to bed in the evening...I've never been this bad. I see a psychologist and she mentioned magnet therapy for depression...it's supposed to have a good success rate. Have u ever heard of it? Hoping you get thru the day ok..I'm going to try and walk my dog. ..maybe it will help..

[jfrazee]

Thanks for the replies. My depression and anxiety go back a long way, to my childhood. I was sexually abused by janitor in elementary school. Kept it a secret all my life until recently. To cope I turned to porn. It became an addiction. Later on I also started to have fantasies about a couple of women I knew. I also changed my porn habits to match them. My wife found out about 2 years ago. Of course I lied about everything. It has taken the last 2 years for me to address everything. She has no trust in me. To make everything even worse she has terminal cancer. The drs have been trying different meds, but I don't think it is quite right. I am in therapy, but he seems to want to just teach me techniques to help with the depression and anxiety without listening to my problems. My Psychiatrist just wants to play with drugs. There is a lot more, but that is everything in a nut shell.

[Good_for_us]

Hi, jfrazee, thanks for sharing that. I’m so sorry you went through that trauma- it must have been devastating when it happened. My ex-husband went thru something similar, and turned to drugs to numb the memories. I’m glad you are getting therapy, but it sounds like it would be worthwhile to try out a few other therapists (if you have the flexibility to do so). You need to be listened to, first and foremost- the exercises/techniques can follow. I’m very sorry about your wife- I hope your therapist can help you explain to your wife how your trauma affected your behavior, so as to bring peace to her (and you), during this difficult time.

[cbgrace1980]

I struggle with this as well. Thank you for sharing with us. I know this was not easy by any means. Please talk with your doctor or therapist and make sure that they know exactly how you are feeling. The point of the meds is for them to work, and if they aren't, then something can be changed to make sure you are feeling optimal. Take care of yourself and please know we are here for you.

[jfrazee]

Thank you all