I need some online guidance

Okay so I’m a 21 year old male, I’ve dealt with depression and anxiety through most of my life and it has basically ruined my adolescence. I’ve only gotten therapy recently this year and have been on antidepressants and currently on my 5th ketamine treatment. But I am just as depressed and suicidal as I was before all this. I have been trying everything to improve my life, I’m almost completely school, started exercising, and any opportunity to have a social interaction I would force myself out of my comfort zone and try and become normal in socialising. But I haven’t been enjoying anything lately. Socialising feels so horrible to me because I have no idea what to say and just end up saying nonsense. My head is fulled with so much anxiety and overthinking that the thought of suicide is so relaxing. Like I said I’m on my 5th ketamine treatment but that hasn’t worked at all, nor has the antidepressants. I can’t talk to my therapist about this because I don’t want to stress him out again over how unfixable I am, also I’ve noticed something off with him. Like something is happening in his personal life I don’t know but I don’t want to sound whinny to him again. I really have no one to talk to, my parents are the reason I’m here so they’re not helpful. So I really just need something

[Midori]

Hmm, if your therapist isn't working well for you, can you change? If he isn't well, then he can't give you his full attention, and that isn't good for either of you.

Cheers, Midori