Need some guidance, always 2nd guessing myself

[Surfwalker3]

I'm gonna crap 20 years worth of crap in a few sentences so you can understand the pattern. Every few years during our marriage my husband cheats on me I always say this is the last time hes gonna do this to me well just last week I was betrayed again but not just by my husband but a person who said they were my friend! My husband was setting up a time when I'll be out so my friend ( a man) can come over and do everything that they were sexting each other over the past 6 months . I told him I want a divorce and to go our separate ways when our lease is up, apparently I'm overreacting cuz he said he was gonna back out of the "date". 😟 I'm so lost, but now hes up my ass and suddenly has an interest in me

[Blueruth]

I would take a look at how much you care about this marriage. Then get some marriage counseling. From my perspective he sounds like a manipulative creep but as you said…20 years in a few sentences.

[KJnOTT]

Sounds like a painful situation. If he has had multiple affairs and is unrepentant, I think a separation for a period of time is in order. Make it clear that you will be ready to resume negotiations as soon as he is willing to reciprocate. In the meantime, here is a contact for a free session with a licensed counselor who can help with recommendation on marital and or personal counselling - 855-382-5433. Wishing you all the best.

[Surfwalker3 in reply to KJnOTT]

Thank you, I appreciate it. I am separating from him, I feel ashamed of myself for letting him do this for this long. He seems to be in denial and thinks it's all going to work out, I just want to be happy again.

[Hidden]

Yep. What he’s doing to you would drive anyone insane. Still, if you decide to leave what is your financial situation going to be? Look before you leap.

[Surfwalker3 in reply to Hidden]

I've figured that out, my sons are going to help out with bills and groceries. I'd rather be struggling a little versus unhappy like the past few years

[Midori]

Hi Surfwalker,

Difficult to be betrayed by both your husband and your friend. I personally would be spitting bullets.

You will need to give this some serious thought before you act. How much feeling do you still have for this serial cheat? Or for this 'Friend?'

What has kept you together up to now? Vows? Comfort? What will the neighbours think?

To me, I think your marriage might have strayed into the 'comfortable but a bit humdrum' stage that most marriages do sometimes. Not your fault, but if he feels too comfortable, he may look and be tempted, as you say he has before. If his needs are met by you, in the way of cooking, cleaning and laundry, he well may experiment.

I think your husband is currently showing interest in you because he fears he will lose his cosy excuse 'I'm married', so he can cheat with impunity, behind your back.

I'm not accusing, only you know the truth of the whole thing, but I sense that you feel betrayed, once again by him, and it's time to think 'Does this marriage mean so much that I am prepared to put up with more of the same, yet again?'

How long do you have left on the rental of your home? Could you afford to go it on your own, or move into a smaller place?

One of the first things you will need to do, is separate your income from his, and make sure he has no access to your accounts or credit cards. It would be easy for him to leave you with no money. Any savings and pensions also. These are things you need to investigate, the quicker the better,

I hope this load of waffle is helpful.

Cheers, Midori

[STEM_Dad]

It's really up to you to decide whether to stay together, separate, or divorce. People can give you advice, but they have no right to make the decision for you.

This is an apples to oranges comparison, but this last year my wife of 20 years cheated on me for the second time. The first time was after our 5th year married. The first man was a neighbor-friend (who, in retrospect, was just using her). This time, it's become apparent to me that she and the much-younger other man are in limerence for each other. I don't consider her to be a serial cheater, because these two affairs of hers were pretty dissimilar, but it's now clear to me that she has a vulnerability. (I have come to the conclusion that it's an attachment-style vulnerability with her, which I believe she could overcome with the right kinds of therapy. I also think that she has borderline personality disorder, based on a lot of factors, not just this vulnerability and infidelity. If she does, I know that treatment is available.)

Since your husband can be seen as a serial cheater, it might be he has a vulnerability towards extramarital affairs, or it might be due to a personality disorder (or, worst case, he might have a "dark triad" personality type: narcissist, psychopath or sociopath). It would take him meeting with a qualified health professional, probably over many sessions, to reach a diagnosis.

If he really, truly wants to stay married to you, then he ought to seek individual therapy (probably from several months, on up to years), you would most likely also need individual therapy, and the two of you together would need marriage counseling. Good therapists and counselors can be hard to find.

I've gotten a lot of good information from the YouTube channels for AffairRecovery.org and MarriageHelper.com but have also had to go through about a dozen sessions of counseling, practicing mindfulness, lots of prayer & meditation, and talking with a few patient and understanding friends.

In our case, I wanted to try to keep the marriage together, but my wife chose to divorce me. She still cares for me, but is madly "in love" with the other man. I know enough to recognize that when the limerence ends (which is typically within 36 months of when it started), their relationship will most likely fall apart. I know her well-enough to anticipate that she will be devastated by that happening, and as much as I want to save her from that anguish, it would be impossible to prevent.

You mentioned opting for separation. Often, but not always, when one spouse chooses separation due to the other's infidelity, it becomes permanent (and likely results in divorce). Do some soul-searching. Talk to an independent 3rd party, someone that you feel you can trust.

> (If I could afford it, I'd talk to one of the marriage coaches at Marriage Helper, based on my research about that organization, but they charge $150 per session and I know I'd need several sessions, if I was in your shoes. They're not counselors, but I understand they are trained to help a person or a couple talk through their options to help them understand what they want and think they can do about the marriage.)

Your decision should be based on things like: your beliefs and values, whether you think there is a possibility of recovery for your marriage, whether or not you want that, how much you feel that you and the relationship have been harmed by his infidelities, and whether you think that you will continue to be harmed if it goes on. Only you can answer those questions for yourself. After that, then consider how other factors come into play (including children - if you have any, relationships with family & friends, finances, property, etc, and I'd consider last of all "what will people think"). --- It's much more important here what you think and feel about yourself and all if this. ---What do you really want? How likely do you think it is that you can have it?

Couples who, together, work to restore their marriages can often rebuild a much better marriage than they had before, but it takes time, effort on the part of both spouses. Based on my own feelings, beliefs and values, I still think there's reason to hope that my ex-wife and I could remarry and restore our marriage, and if we do, that it would very likely be a much better marriage (and she would finally be open to getting the therapy I know she needs to heal the childhood trauma behind her vulnerability). But I'm also an idealist at heart, generally lean towards optimism, have come far in my own healing in a short period of time, I have a deep faith in God, and I strongly believe that He helps to heal hurting people & their marriages (even restoration from infidelity and divorce).

Infidelity ALWAYS hurts everyone involved. Divorce ALWAYS affects both spouses, kids and other relationships the couple has. It may be the best option for you. It may be the worst. It's not my call, because it's not me that will live with the end result. You will.

Be compassionate with yourself

Surfwalker3 .

[Bella_lee]

Hi @Surfwalker4 I'm so sorry you're having to deal with the pain of constant betrayal in your marriage. You said your husband cheats on you every few years and I guess you always forgive him but you did not say how you resolved those situations before choosing to move forward. From my own experience, it's so important to deal with the root cause/causes of why your H keeps cheating on you even if you choose to forgive him and hope it will be the last time. This is probably why nothing has changed for you or for him, There is a saying that you cannot keep doing the same thing and expecting a different result.

I know 20 years is a huge investment and I can imagine how devastating this must be for you especially with this recent betrayal with your best friend who is male. This also throws a different dimension to what is going on with your H.

I don't think you should make any major decisions while you are going through so much emotionally but I would suggest that you consider IC for yourself and let your H know that he needs to get counseling for himself as well because what he's doing is not healthy for your marriage. Please don't let him rug sweep what has happened.

Stay strong dear friend. Sending you hugs and a prayer.

[Surfwalker3 in reply to Bella_lee]

Thank you so much . I've always made an excuse for him and myself, we have 3 kids together and I couldn't do it alone. He said he would stop and hes sorry, lol. And now he thinks this time is like the others and I will let it go. Our kids are grown and very willing to help me with household expenses plus they want to see me happy again. Hearing that from them is a big wake up call. My H days hes gonna go to counseling bit I've seen no effort to do so, I have started counseling. I see a light at the end of the tunnel it's just really far away right now