Just need to hear that it's gonna be ok - Anxiety and Depre...

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Just need to hear that it's gonna be ok

BarelyHoldingOn profile image
7 Replies

I cried today

Like a flood gate was pried open

I've been caring for my mother who has dementia for @5 yrs now .. Alone.

My husband died,

My daughter had a breakdown and her entire family came to live with me. So, no grieving for me.

My son has autism...He was fourteen when my fella passed

I lost two sisters and then my first husband (daughters father) passed.

Then my father passed away and here I am taking care of my mother.

These things all happened in the last 8 yrs

I can't catch my breath, I'm literally .. Barely Holding on.

I'm just looking for another soul to tell me it's gonna be ok.

Because I really don't feel like it is.

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BarelyHoldingOn profile image
BarelyHoldingOn
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7 Replies
Shnookie profile image
Shnookie

Hi it’s Shnookie. I’m so sorry 😐 that U have gone thru so many terrible things in the last 8 years. Things can get better 4 U and the fact that U have come on this website is very brave of U. Crying is a way of letting out your pain. It is therapeutic 4 U. I was a full time caregiver for elderly individuals with dementia for two and a half years. I understand the challenges that you face. Do U have a therapist ? R U on any meds. There R caregiver support groups. Can U afford someone to come in and give U a break. U need self care. Also I don’t know your financial situation, but if your mother has Medi Cal or Medi Caid, and medicare, she qualifies for a paid caregiver. This would give U some time to take care of

yourself. U can also learn how to do CBT

Cognitive therapy which can break down things that U needed to do. I am here 4 U and U can privately message me

Hugs 🤗 nD

BarelyHoldingOn profile image
BarelyHoldingOn in reply to Shnookie

Thank you so much for you kind words. I cried a little more when I woke to the kindness of others. I really am alone. I live in Canada, so no medicaid (sic) . Just don't know how long I can do this. My mother is so dependant on me. I no longer have my job, I had to leave it to care for my mother. It really was my only financial security as my husband passed away from pancreatic cancer just a couple of years before covid. I have siblings that live South of the border thousands of miles away. They seem perfectly happy to let me handle this on my own. I think that my 15+ years caring for dementia patients in long term care made me some kind of family expert. It was and is hard work. I can no longer go home at the end of a 12 hour shift. Now its 24/7 for one. I have my mother's annual doctors appointment coming up in @10 days. He never brings up her dementia, my struggles alone with her or her physical disabilities ( I brought her in in a wheelchair last year and he didn't even bat an eye.) I plan to be quite blunt on this next visit.Perhaps I can get her on a long term care list ( in Canada this can take months or years). I imagine a time when she will no longer be able to stand ( she has diabetic neuropathy from years of ignoring her insulin dependant diabetes). If this happens before I have long term care set up she may end up living in a locked ward of the hospital until a long term bed opens up... Again, months to a year or more. I appreciate your kind response and allowing me to bend your ear. The responses have been welcome. My problems are numerous and often overwhelming to me. I carry on. I don't think anyone in my family realises how difficult these last few years have been on me. Or, maybe they just don't want to acknowledge it as that may lead to obligations and responsibilities on their end.

Gosh, honey I could probably go on for hours. Thank you again for your support and quick response. I imagine you are a comfort to many.❤

I don't know how to send this in any private way so I'll just click reply.

socratesanne profile image
socratesanne

I think anyone coning from complicated grief has a special job to do for those of us who are only barely holding on. You are not one of them, as you have been dealing with this for 8 years. It does get easier but you are in a space where you are wanting to hold on the protect you mother and I sense your grace is your saving "grace."

Talk about all the people who fill that dark hole inside. Once you can fill that is gets easier. Losing a partner I think is the hardest for many. Even our pets can leave. dark holes which I am sensing that loss as they are so tactal.

This pandemic has caused this tremendous loss for most of us. Hugs are missing in my psyche. I wear a special watch to help me feel a gently hug just to feel some sense of that missing touch. I had touch in early childhood and it was not loving, but now I feel an even larger loss as I did not take more advantage of this physical joy more often when my loved ones were still alive.

We so often do not realize what we have until we lose it. My guess you specially know how wonderful touch is. I plan on storing it when my family visit this next month. Hope they allow it as we all have been vaccinated. Decided to assure I have to cleansed clothes when they come and same before they leave just in case so as to store up on the hugs. I shall warn them for their ease with hope of acceptance.

lisa40509 profile image
lisa40509

It will be okay!! Sounds like you need some self care. I know easier said then done. See if community services can set you up with adult day care and occasional respite care. When daughter gets on her feet train her to be your relief. Before she moves out take a small vacation by yourself or with a girl friend. It will get better, I hope it’s soon!

Warm wishes!

BarelyHoldingOn profile image
BarelyHoldingOn in reply to lisa40509

Thank you for your kind words. I shall push on through. I will be discussing respite care with her doctor soon. She is a strong personality and I'm not sure how that will go over but I plan to have a very blunt conversation with her doctor next week when I take her for her annual visit. I'm not a confrontational or strong personality so this will be difficult for me. If I don't do something I think I'll need care❤ . Thank you again.

BarelyHoldingOn profile image
BarelyHoldingOn

Thank you for your kind response. Cancer, dementia and mental illness have been ruling my life for years now. I am exhausted. I cried a little more this morning when I read the responses from the kind folks on this site. Crying is therapeutic and I guess I needed it.You sound like you have been through some of the same issues as myself. Good to know that I am not alone.. Thank you again.

Midori profile image
Midori

Gosh! I can understand why you are feeling overwhelmed.

Over the last 30 years I've had more deaths that I want to remember. My husband, father, mother, aunt, various pets. Grief interrupted can be devastating, I know. It's not a case of 'get over it', because grief will take as long as it takes.

I hope the rest of your family have gone back to their own home, I would feel invaded.

I'm feeling a little overwhelmed myself, the house is in uproar with packing boxes everywhere and Dust sheets all over, because My son (carer) and I are having an extension done to the Man Cave. I hate having strangers in the house and this is the second extension this year!

It's been nearly 3 weeks and I'm feeling like screaming! My son is hiding in his Video games!

At least they will be gone soon! Then perhaps we can get back to normal! (or as normal as my household ever gets!) ;)

Cheers, Midori

p.s. Just realised I am now the Matriarch in my family, ERK! That's a scary thought!

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