I saw my ex husband to be at court yesterday. I wanted to go to him and beg forgiveness and hug him and not let go. I miss even his big ears and belly. But I cannot do that. There's an order of protection against me from him that's complicated as I was manic when I got it. I feel so at fault with this divorce I can hardly believe. I'm dying inside wanting him back and to have my family back. We have a 14 and 12 year old. I see them this Sunday for the first time in 7 months. It's a supervised visit and the kids don't want to see me. It hurts incredibly. The counseling they received viewed me as the abuser although I never abused them other than yell at my husband which they'd never heard me do. It's all a mess. I believe in God with my whole heart and if he wants me back with Shawn it'll happen I know, it's just the waiting. I can't imagine not getting back to him...I go into panic mode. I'm in an apartment alone with severe financial restrictions and I need to get a job soon as I haven't been but a stay at home Mom for 15 years. I'm on medication for newly diagnosed bipolar and having side effects.
I'm begging for prayers from believers that I hold it together and am brave and that my Shawnee comes back to me. I do truly love him. Any uplifting things would be helpful. Winter and cold is coming and it intensifies my anxiety as I hate winter cold. Shawn and Colleen...that they reunite is my prayer. God can move mountains, God can restore my marriage.
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ChristFollower
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All prayers are answered but not necessarily the way we ask. You have free will. Your ex-husband has free will. We can make of our lives what we will.
You have reached a low ebb. Now you must start to rebuild your life avoiding past errors. So the only way for you is up. Maybe the future may some day include your ex-husband. Maybe in time you can engage with your daughters anew.
Much as you would like that to happen do not make it your only option. There are many good men, many good women out there. Do not be surprised if you find fulfillment by moving in another direction as other options present themselves. That's what's so wonderful about life: the not knowing what happens next.
So show the world and your family your better side. Do not revisit old ways that have resulted in so much loss. Broken hearts and minds can be fixed. So many who have passed this way before have discovered that here.
Work is an important way forward, it stops you dwelling too much on past losses. It can be a good way of finding special friends. You are entering an exciting part of your life. I wish you God's speed towards happier days.
Hi sorry to hear of your family break up due to bipolar disorder, did you notice that your manic episodes happened just before and during your menstrual period - I ask because it may be that the drop in the hormone progesterone is causing your mania
I no longer get my periods as of a year ago in January. I wondered that too. Thanks for the consideration.
I am so sorry for you that didn't get love and understanding from your Husband and family, we are moving towards a better understanding of mental health but not all grasp this.
Hopefully your daughters will come round when they realise it wasn't you then. As for your Husband - in sickness and in health, does he remember his vows?
ChristFollower I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. It can be especially hard when we know we had a part in what happened to us. How old are your kids? One way you can receive their love again is to show that you've changed by your actions. When you see them, kill them with kindness, and even if they act bitterly toward you, show them your understanding. This will show them that you truly love them and want a relationship with them. As for your husband, that's a tough one, but I can say this: the bad news is that there's a restraining order, so apologizing would probably not be appropriate at this time; however, even if reconciliation is not possible, it is more than possible that he will eventually come to a place where he holds no anger against you. It takes a lot of energy to hold onto anger for a long time. I do hope, however, that no matter what happens, your faith will sustain you through all this and that you can forgive yourself. We all make mistakes, and those mistakes do not define us.
My kids are 14 and 12. Yes, you are right in killing them with kindness. I love my husband so much and my mistakes do not define me. I'll remember that. Thank you for your response. It helps. All your guy's comments help. Thanks again.
First, you gotta think about your kids. You know that the cycle has already done a lot of damage in your life. I don't know how long you've been diagnosed, but getting properly medicated and having a REAL PLAN in therapy has to be your goal right now. Until you do that, you aren't going to make progress anywhere else. Often, we also find we have more than one issue or we might even be misdiagnosed if we've been following treatment and religiously taking meds and there's no change, it gets worse, or new issues pile up in the old ones. By getting YOURSELF leveled out and stable, you show your ex and your children you are making THEM a priority. I'm praying for you and your family that everything will work out in God's time❤
Thank you for responding. I switched counselors to one that specializes in bipolar disorder. We are making goals right now. My family needs to know they come first and I am doing all I can to make them priority. I thank you again and too for the prayers. It means so much to me.
Sending you prayers and warm wishes. The only thing you have control of is yourself. Keep putting in the hard work on yourself and in the future your husband and kids may see the changes within you and want reconciliation. But you need to do this for you!! If things don’t go as you want you have to still be able to stand on your own two feet and succeed. Kids are much easier usually and you are their mother for life. When you see them on Sunday ask them to tell you what they need and want from you. Listen to them, keep communication open. Even if you see things a different way than they do respect their view. Keep moving forward, you can do this!! Shower your kids with love and support. Ask them to call you daily just so you can see how their day is. Be their cheerleader. Wishing you all the best!! Lisa
Thank you for your reply. You're right about everything you said. Especially what do they need from me. I will be asking. Thank you again for your support!! Colleen
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